opponent watch

Hi, it’s me again.

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Bryan Mackenzie is taking a hiatus from Opponent Watch (hey should we change the title, by the way? It sounds so self-incriminating these days), so I volunteered for backup duty. Bryan, I gotta say, I really love what you’ve done with this piece. I apologize for all the gimmicky prompts you’ve faithfully preserved all these years (“Michigan can sleep soundly about” just screams undeveloped prefrontal cortex), so please feel free to change them when you return. I do hope you return. You’re the Blake Corum of college football humor.

Anyhow, it’s been a hot second since the last time I posted something here, hasn’t it? I’m doing great, if you were wondering. After writing for mgoblog, I decided to become a urologist. I moved to the west coast for residency, and now I’m in my last year of fellowship training. My passionate disdain of rocks and rock-like objects led me to pursue a career in endourology, which is a fancy way of saying I remove kidney stones for a living.

So in that spirit, we’re doing kidney stone analogies today.

About last week:

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Ten years ago I was in East Lansing for the -48 yards rushing game. After the game Ace Anbender and I happened upon a bottle of Buffalo Trace in my trunk and played a game of “what is the saddest song you can think of” as State fans paraded around us. It started out funny and ironic, but eventually it just became sad. We settled on the Jeff Buckley version of “Hallellujah.” Chantel Jennings found us in an emptied parking lot about an hour later and drove us home.

I wasn’t in East Lansing last weekend, but I like to think that somewhere in that parking lot there was a Michigan State fan listening to Jeff Buckley and singing along to a cold and broken Hallelujah.

[After THE JUMP: Diagnoses]

About Last Week

Some of you said that Mason Graham played like a man possessed. Or that he played like a man who was angry that he’d missed two games. Or like a man trying to make up for lost time.

None of these theories was exactly correct.

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Barron

Mason Graham was playing with the fury and desperation of a man who badly needs to scratch his butt, yet cannot. And he knows that only by ending the game can he remove the club and end his suffering.

Mason Graham hates the Red Hat Media Timeout Guy more than anyone.

The Road Ahead

Indiana (2-3, 0-2 B1G)

Last week: Bye

Indiana - Wikipedia

Indiana

Recap: Some folks take the bye week to rest and recover. Some folks use the bye week to apply the full catalogue of ACME products to their offense. Tom Allen woke up last week and chose ACME.

Out: offensive coordinator Walt Bell, a guy dedicated to the idea that you can pester a defense into submission one three-yard screen pass at a time. In: former Temple and NIU head coach Rod Carey, a guy who, in the past, ran an offense that was actually based on the principles Bell’s offense was SUPPOSED to be based on: spreading teams out and running the dang ball. From 2012 through 2018, NIU finished 2nd, 1st, 1st, 1st, 1st, 3rd, and 3rd in the MAC in rushing attempts per game.

The only catch is Indiana’s offensive line. Which is very very very bad. Indiana finished under 3.2 yards per carry (and either last or second-to-last in the Big Ten) against FBS teams in 2020, 2021, and 2022, and they’re currently last in the conference at 2.6 YPC this season.

This team is as frightening as: Giving a 7-year-old the first shot in a game of H-O-R-S-E. Yes, they get a momentary tactical advantage. No, it won’t matter. Fear Level = 2.5

Michigan should worry about: Indiana has had two weeks to implement an offense Michigan hasn’t seen yet.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Against FBS teams, Indiana is 14th in the conference in yards per play allowed (6.5), yards per carry allowed (5.3), passing yards per game allowed (259), sacks per game (1.0), and scoring defense (28.8). As you may be aware, there are only 14 teams in the conference.

Even if the offense they come up with is “put Patrick Mahomes in glasses and a fake mustache,” it probably won’t matter.

When they play Michigan: If you can’t run the ball and you can’t protect the quarterback long enough to throw the ball down the field and throwing the ball short is what got you into this mess and you can’t stop the run and you can’t stop the pass and you can’t score and you can’t stop the other team from scoring, your strategic options are limited.

Next game: @ Michigan, Moderately Sized Noon Saturday, FOX (IU +34-ish)

[AFTER THE JUMP: y no one play?]

About Last Week

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This happened. [Barron]

The Road Ahead

Minnesota (3-2, 1-1 B1G)

Last week: Beat Louisiana, 35-24

Recap: They got back in the win column, but it wasn’t pretty. Minnesota trailed 17-14 at halftime, and didn’t get their lead out to multiple scores until the fourth quarter. They were outgained by 1.4 yards per play by the Ragin’ Cajuns.

The offense looks more like what we generally expected entering the season; after running the ball on 36% of plays in the opener, they’ve run the ball on 70% of plays in the intervening 4 weeks, including 78% this week. But it’s the defense that is the real cause for concern; in the last two weeks, they’ve allowed 6.2 yards per play to Northwestern and 6.7 yards per play to Louisiana.

This team is as frightening as (Cinema Edition): The shark from Jaws. Yes, it’s formidable, but its options to go after you are SUPER limited. If it tries to attack through the air, it’s mostly just gonna flop around. Fear Level = 5

Michigan should worry about: Minnesota is, statistically and in terms of eye test, the best team Michigan has faced thus far.

Michigan can sleep soundly about: Freshman Darius Taylor, to whom I attribute 73% of Minnesota’s run game improvement, missed last week’s game with a leg injury. I haven’t seen anything about his return, but even if he does, it’s likely that he won’t be 100% a week after having to sit out.

When they play Michigan: For some reason, the last three games between Michigan and Minnesota have all been night games as well:

  • The one game in 2020 where Michigan looked like a competent football team
  • The one game in 2017 where Michigan looked like a competent football team
  • The 2015 goal line stand game

The Brown Jug games in 1991, 1996, 2002, 2003 (the Buffalo Stampede game) and 2006 were also night games, all of which Michigan won.

Next game: vs. Michigan, 7:30 p.m., NBC (Minnesota +19)

[AFTER THE JUMP: Everyone is on a bye next week]

Meet me in the octagon, octogenarian...

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Opponent Watch ends, but the Iowa Is Bad will never die.

The night was windy.

Rutgers Week is Rutgers Week. Which, Rutgers Week.