mike vrabel's itchy bucknuts
This Week in the Twitterverse takes a look at the social media happenings of the previous week, or whatever else I feel like talking about. Mostly I make fun of people who are better at things than I am. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited. Consult your doctor if this column lasts more than four hours. If you come across anything you think should be in next week's column, send it to @Bry_Mac.
The (fourth of like eleven steps toward the) Handpocalypse is nigh, and Michigan fans are joyous. The Victors Valiant are among Da'Shawn Hand's top three, and presumed co-frontrunner Virginia Tech was, shockingly, not. There has been much red wine sipping and golf-clapping. The finest cheese plates have been prepared, and nary a glee club sits silent.
But lo, while this son of Virginia has brought sunshine to our glorious summer, fresh snows have fallen unto the winter of Blacksburg's discontent. And if there is one thing we know about recruiting, it's that fans can't help themselves when this kind of thing happens. They flock like the swallows of Capistrano to the intertubes and share their angst with the wind. So, let's check in on these poor Hokies as they rage against the dying of the light:
Like always, these grown men have no perspective, and are berating an innocent...wait, wut?
Seriously, THIS is the worst thing I found:
Bravo, Hokies. Other than the whole “tweeting at recruits” thing we talk about every week (to summarize: DON’T), this is pretty good behavior. I don't know if this is because you guys actually have some perspective, or because Da'Shawn Hand lives near you and he could consume your soul and shed a double-team at the same time. Either way, I applaud your reasonable and measured response, especially given how big a gut-punch this must have been.
Maybe we've turned a corner on the Internet, and from now on we oh, never mind, here's a bunch of people being racist about a Mexican-American kid singing the national anthem before NBA Finals Game 3.
Didn't we almost have it all, Twitter...
[ed-S: After the break: APR scores released, Michigan rivals hail attendance-based metric, fail at algebra and reading comprehension]
Pork and Beef
This week, possibly in response to Mitch McGary’s fabulous work on Instagram, the football team pretty much decided to made the un-moving pictures their donkey. And per Brian’s instructions, we begin once again with Dr. Hamlet III:
And since I’ve been making an effort to be more informative and less snarky, this presents an opportunity to analyze the…
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- These linemen have a much more forgiving landlord than I had in Ann Arbor. They can have a pig. I couldn't have a fish.
- It's really easy to get into Michigan's Med School if you're a legacy, and even easier if you're a second-generation legacy.
- P1G, like the B1G, seems to have the most success with small bowls.
- If Lewan had ONE more season in Ann Arbor, I'm pretty sure we'd see this at some point next offseason:
Before that, though, several members of the offense took last week’s ManBearCrombie to the next level, and presented us with an overload of OMG Shirtless:
NOT PICTURED: weakness of any kind
THINGS WE LEARNED:
- Adidas apparently makes all of Michigan's workout apparel, too, and like the rest of the Adidas stuff it all fell apart and left the athletes shirtless. New shirts will probably be delivered by early December.
- Michigan's football team, despite their shoes, can receive no service. They can't figure out why.
- If you want, you can play tic-tac-toe on Taylor Lewan's shoulder (PROTIP: The only winning move is not to play).
- Sione Houma may or may not be Tongan Steve Breaston.
- Fitz Toussaint once killed a velociraptor.
- Michigan's offense is composed of very large men. And Jeremy Gallon.
Your parody account is bad and you should feel bad
Most of you have probably heard of a young man from Grand Rapids named Drake Harris. Mr. Harris said a while back that he would spend a few years at Michigan State playing kicky-throwy ball AND dribbly-shooty ball, but then he changed his mind about the dribbly-shooty part and decided to play his kicky-throwy ball at Michigan. This did not go over well in East Lansing, and elicited a pile of the usual Twitter crap. But that was six weeks ago, so the iron has cooled considerably.
But don’t tell that to the creator of what is almost certainly the worst parody account in the history of mimicry:
Yep, it’s an account dedicated to Drake Harris’s Ego, which Sparty* believes to be a thing. Setting aside the fact that this guy created an account mocking a kid, this is just a terrible account. First, I don’t think he knows what “ego” means. But more importantly, he failed to meet the first (and really the only) rule of parody accounts: they are supposed to be funny. I mean, objectively speaking, who is going to find that funny?
Oh, hey there one time Michigan State commit and current UCLA Bruin offensive lineman Caleb Benenoch. To summarize: a guy who decommitted from State loves that there is an account dedicated to the ego demonstrated by a guy who decommitted from State. I can’t even begin to unwrap the Spartyness of this tweet. It’s like a mobius strip of Spartyfreude; it just folds back into itself until you don’t know where you started but god this thing is nifty.
*And yes, this was the doing of Sparty. A confirmed State fan created the account, and then allegedly turned over control to someone else. I won’t out the creator, but mostly because I don’t feel like chasing down the details because I don’t much care.
Speaking of things about which you should feel bad
In related Drake Harris news, he continues to catch crap on Twitter for choosing a college, including a concerted effort from one guy in particular who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “boundaries.” Harris finally called him on it:
Sure enough, I looked through Doug E. Fresh’s Tweets, and an uncomfortable percentage of them are to Drake Harris. Add in the alleged Facebook stalking, and we’ve got ourselves a Stage 5 Clinger. And then there’s the text of the message itself, in which this guy blames Harris for all of the hate he’s receiving because he’s “living with the consequences” of his decisions. It’s your classic “he was asking for it” defense, except here the “asking for it” was in the form of “selected an institution of higher education.”
This should serve as a reminder to the scores of you who still contact recruits through social media that it is a terrible, terrible idea, and not just because of the creepiness factor. They might see your comments, call you out, and make you look like a maroon in front of the whole internet. This guy is a real estate agent who uses his name and business information in his Twitter profile. And I will remind you that Michigan fans buy houses in west Michigan, as do people who don’t like being creeped the hell out by awkward people. So, congratulations, Mr. Ditmar, I dub thee TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK.**
**This name probably won’t stick. Also this probably won’t be a regular thing.
[ED:BiSB - The purpose of this section was not to encourage people to seek retribution. People should not attempt to contact or further escalate the situation. Let the Universe unfold of its own accord.]
[/Insert words here]
I don’t want to talk about this. But I think you have to see it, so… here it is. Warning: it’s slightly Not Safe For Breakfast.
(H/T @LandGrant33, and by H/T I mean Y U HATE MY EYES?)
Bucknuts. That is all.
Car washings is serious business
NCAA rules are dumb. But until now, we didn’t know just how dumb:
Yup, a University had to report a secondary violation because an athlete washed her car with University water. According to Lost Lettermen, the full story is about as dumb as you would expect:
A WCC school self-reported an extra benefits violation to the NCAA when university officials caught one of their women’s golfers washing her car on campus, according to the source. The NCAA ruled a secondary violation had occurred because the water was not available to regular students and demanded the golfer pay back $20, which was deemed to be the value of the water and use of the hose.”
It was a violation because the USE OF A HOSE WAS AN IMPERMISSIBLE BENEFIT. And she had to PAY $20 because the hose wasn’t available to the general student body. In other words, this thing that is generally unavailable to the general student body is fine:
Ross Academic Center
And this will lead us slouching to SMU:
Once again, fine:
Save us Obi-Wan KenO’Bannon. You’re our only hope.
(NOTE: the second violation, while less funny, is probably worse. How can someone make some kind of impermissible contact with a recruit when he doesn’t know who he is talking to? We lawyer types call that “mens rea.” Everyone else calls it “holy itchy Gold Bond balls, use some common sense you ridiculous tools”)
Ohio: Worst State Ever, but improving?
The University of Cincinnati baseball team had a rough year, finishing just 6-18 in Big East play, which is probably because baseball isn't any of the players' first loves. They were born to be swimmers:
or explorers, Roman emperors, big game hunters, or… well, swimmers again. These gentlemen will be going professional in something other than sports. Unless that swimming thing works out, in which case that'd be sports.
Rock Bottom Update
Look, Amanda, you seem like a nice girl and all, certain amazing but somewhat NSFW headlines notwithstanding. But this is about the point in your life when you are going to want to reconsider some stuff.