imbibe this terminology

Previously: The Story 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008. Preview 2011.

Sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause what's a hero? But sometimes there's a man … and I'm talkin' about the Dude here… sometimes there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there.

-The Stranger, The Big Lebowksi

I construct the preview every year from the bones of the previous one, and when I took my first stabs at organizing what I was going to say about the secondary I ran across this, because obviously:

How long ago was that? A hundred years.

Joe Paterno was still Penn State's coach, and wonderful. JT Floyd was unable to stay within ten yards of a receiver. Michigan's football program was riven with factionalism. Craig Roh was some sort of linebacker and Kenny Demens was lining up an inch from the nose tackle. Rich Rodriguez had hired Greg Robinson, and this was Greg Robinson burning the world in response.

How long ago was this?

Bathrooms had not yet been invented. Top hats were all the rage. Punting was a good idea. Pterodactyls were the hot new species. It was a long, long time ago, October of 2010. A long time ago.

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It was college, so we did ridiculous things. In my sophomore year one of those was having a fight about who the "real William Carlos Williams" was. William Carlos Williams was obviously the real William Carlos Williams but somehow Kit and Sunil contrived to have a dispute about which one of them really was the real William Carlos Williams anyway. This was settled the way these things always are: with a poetry-off.

We met with great solemnity in Ryan's dorm room. One of us had found a recipe for a drink that supposedly tasted like apple pie. I was still in the phase where changing my state of mind with alcohol was something beneath me and did not partake. I do remember there being whipped cream from a can. It was drinking in a dorm room. Of course there was whipped cream.

Embarrassingly sweet drinks were consumed as the festivities progressed until the poetry-off. Kit and Sunil would be given a topic and asked to compose a poem on that theme in the style of William Carlos Williams. The topic—revealed with the allez cuisine flourish of an Iron Chef ingredient—was red-haired women.

When the allotted minutes had passed and time was called, Kit went first. Kit had prepared. His poem was a mélange of repurposed WCW lines that he'd memorized and crammed together into a surprisingly coherent Frankenstein of a poem.

Sunil was next. He'd had far too much to drink and was showing it. Sitting on Ryan's bed slumped over, he roused himself. He looked down at what he'd written, and started.

"I love red haired bitches
they say 'whatever' and 'like'
how easily we imbibe their terminology
…"

At this juncture Sunil toppled over backward on the bed and said no more. The panel of judges unanimously declared him the Real William Carlos Williams. Sunil celebrated by throwing up into the trash.

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I think about Sunil's poem whenever someone other than Brady Hoke calls the Great Eye of Columbus "Ohio." This is all the time. Kit assembled a frankenpoem from someone's else's mouth; Sunil just said stuff. One of these things stuck. There's an "imbibe this terminology" tag on this blog.

Brady Hoke dropped the "State" from Ohio and drove the Buckeyes to distraction to the point where the program—not just the fans—celebrated the return of "that school up north" like Terrelle Pryor welcoming an auto dealer into his tattoo-artist-sponsored apartment. Hoke dropped "This is Michigan" in his introductory press conference and tacked on the "fergodsakes" that made it immortal. He called last year's outfit Team 132, and now this year's outfit is team 133 and the ridiculous recruiting class that will enroll next year is shooting #team134 hashtags back and forth across twitter.

Hoke didn't seem to mean anything by any of it. He just talked, and though he tried to press-conference it things slipped out sideways. We imbibed them.

That's marketing. The rest is just repetition.

A year ago—or a hundred, whatever, I can't tell anymore—I wrote a story about the 2011 season that focused on how it was a damn good thing that Denard and Mike Martin and Ryan Van Bergen and Kevin Koger were around because I'd been in the stands when they were losing to Purdue and some guy kept screaming "they don't have any HEART" and heard tale after tale of shameful behavior directed at Rich Rodriguez—if you can't recall, he was the head coach at the time—by program alums.

A year later, Brady Hoke has every last Michigan fan marching behind him, not to mention Greg Mattison and a heaping handful of the country's best high school football players. This has just happened, you know? It is of course planned and difficult and meticulousness is required, but on one level Hoke just vacuumed everyone up because he is who he is.

Last February I was in a hotel in Grand Rapids where people had gathered to talk about football. I'm in the very corner of this room and I've got longer hair than any five other people in it put together and a goatee and I look like I do, you know. Like a guy who has trouble crossing borders sometimes. I could have been wearing a sequined dress and heels and not have looked less like a football coach than I did.

Hoke is standing two feet in front of me.

I have this completely insane fear that somehow Hoke will recognize me even though he knows nothing about me. He may not even know what the internet is. But this is an insane fear, remember. I don't want to make eye contact in case he says "you're the one who wrote a post called 'Profiles In Cronyism' about me, and several other uncomplimentary things besides" and this will spur the rest of the room to toss me bodily out of this hotel. But I'm staring at him all the same.

Borges is there, too. He's talking a couple rooms down but has stopped in for a visit. In an hour I'll sneak over to his talk and listen, enraptured, for an hour as he describes Michigan's passing concepts, and feel embittered when he has to stop instead of continuing on for another four. Before he gets into it he'll tell the room that it is great working for "Brady" because he trusts you to do your job, unlike some coaches he's worked under. When he says it, it sounds like he's saying no one will ever leave him, because why would you?

Right now Borges is surveying a room packed from stem to stern for Hoke and making a self-depreciating comment about the lack of people in his much smaller room. Brady grins, and says "Nobody cares about offense, Al. Who cares about offense?" He says it again. He laughs, and is completely at ease as myself and a half-dozen other star-struck folk file this interaction away in our brains. He walks away and we fall into line behind him, like so many others.

A note on ads. Unfortunately, the ads on the sidebar are items I don't have a lot of control over. If I did I'd axe the increasingly booby Evony ads for a multitude of reasons. One is that the site is run by a Chinese gold farming company and does malware things to your computer. Don't click the Evony ads.

A note on diaries. We're pretty lax around here about the quality required to start a thread on the message board once you get to the magic 20 points. Diaries have no such restrictions because a lot of people who have never posted email me stuff that I say they should post as a diary, and that content is usually very good. The tradeoff is that some low-quality stuff ends up there. As the season kicks off and diary frequency increases, low quality ones will get bumped off the front page or deleted wholesale. FWIW. Note that any diary complaining about the fact that people around here don't like you is by definition low quality.

Photos! Paul took  bunch of media day photos. Enjoy:

Fred Jackson watches a lot of ESPN. Yesterday this space noted Fred Jackson's tendency to say Player X is the MOST EVER SOMETHING when he followed up his McGuffie most evers with some directed at Denard Robinson*, noting that when someone is always going for the superlative it reduces the high. Ask Don Gately.

But Fred Jackson isn't done:

Jackson said he never has had a speedier group of tailbacks while at Michigan, and he never has had a more physical back than senior Brandon Minor. … "I've coached a lot of tough guys, but I'm going to say right now, (Minor's) probably the toughest back I've ever coached physically," Jackson said.

Fred Jackson uses the most mosts of anyone I've ever read a lot of quotes from, and I've been doing this for years. He would be outstanding on one of those shows where wizened old sports columnists yell inanities at each other.

This is the part where I talk about the content of the article but does it need to be said that Fred Jackson has nigh ludicrous praise for his charges?

"In this group right here, if you miss Carlos Brown on the 1-yard line, he'll go 99 yards; if you miss Shaw, he'll get it around the 20," Jackson said, trying to explain how to gauge their speed. "If you miss Vince, he'll get up to the other team's 40."

I would have pegged Shaw to get a bit farther, but maybe there are still lingering hernia effects.

(BONUS: Is Jackson imbibing blog terminology?

Jackson said he has a "play-selection type thing in my mind" and said specific backs will be used in certain situations.

Inquiring minds!)

*(Weird flow of information note: apparently Media Day was the official start time for Denard Robinson shoelace mania, despite the fact that people have known about this thing since he was an uncommitted recruit. All I want to know is "how do the shoes stay on?")

HA! Awwwww, hamburgers. Quick, enjoy a brief moment of schadenfreude that Comcast is having a nasty carriage fight with DirectTV over the status of Versus. DirectTV is talking tough about dropping it. Now stop as you remember where Stanford 24, USC 23 was broadcast. (Also hockey, Tour de France, and uh… rodeo?). Anything that removes the possibility you'll be able to see a ridiculous upset is bad, even if that ridiculous upset is broadcast by evil.

These things always sound worse than they are, though. Before the Big Ten Network came to an agreement with Comcast the two sides' rhetoric could have been confused with Ohio State fans talking about that guy who hit Tyler Moeller. It might not be so grim underneath the posturing.

Etc.: I have some quibbles with Wojo's latest—Rodriguez didn't exactly "drive away" Mallett or Mitchell or Ciulla—but it's a fair assessment of where Michigan stands and accurately diagnoses the subtext of "All In For Michigan." He's the Detroit area's best columnist. Also, FA interviews baseball/volleyball SID Matt Fancett for anyone interested in the PR side of things.