horses

10/14/2023 – Michigan 52, Indiana 7 – 7-0, 4-0 Big Ten

Another week, another slight update to the bolded line you see immediately above. Increment the date, barely adjust the score,—this time I got to leave Michigan's entirely alone and subtract three points from Opponent's line—increment the wins but not the losses. I am aware that this bit of the column has been fairly boring this year, but I can't wax rhapsodic about Yet Another Game Against Opponent. It is not possible. I already used the "lol cut and paste" column conceit this year... in week two. 

The only deviation from the overall narrative of the season was the placement of Michigan's two unsuccessful drives and Opponent's two successful ones. All of those came right at the start, so there was a momentary flicker of… not exactly doubt. Something more than annoyance. Peevishness. Yes, folks, I was peeved.

Then barely more than a quarter later it was 35-7 and I was invested in two things: Michigan continuing their season-long third quarter shutout streak and being up by enough that Jack Tuttle got to play in the third quarter. Check and check. Michigan has still not been in a football game this season.

This has been a positive development for our collective blood pressure and results in a lot of fancy graphs where Michigan is at one end and Iowa is at the other:

Iowa is going to make the Big Ten championship game because of course they are. Michigan, meanwhile, has two giant hurdles to clear before they can say the same, and two more games against deeply overmatched opponents before the first of those hurdles shows up on the schedule. It's natural for a team, and a fanbase, to sleepwalk through a rainy Saturday.

At this point, though… I'd like to be a little nervous. College football is not supposed to be an exploration of the Washington Generals' alternate uniforms.

--------------------------

At least this week is Michigan State week. Even when Michigan State is abjectly horrible the history of this game brings enough intrigue to separate it from the Indianas and Rutgerseseses of the world. And MSU is abjectly horrible. They're coming off a double Sparty No loss against Rutgers that caused Graham Couch to post a video titled "Michigan State football's epic collapse at Rutgers continues the season from hell" that is, hilariously, on the Detroit Free Press channel. Former beat writer Matt Charboneau ended up in a Twitter fight with MSU fans who thought his Katin Houser take was bad…

Imagine watching your team do this today and your move is to find a post … from April … and act superior. Hilarious. Keep the faith there, big fella https://t.co/ECegJZpNkG

— Matt Charboneau (@mattcharboneau) October 14, 2023

…after Houser threw for 4.6 yards an attempt. His main asset relative to Noah Kim is that when he tried to turn the ball over, Rutgers politely declined.

It is likely that Michigan stuffs Michigan State in a trash can this weekend, but 52-7 hits different when it's Michigan State a year after eight guys got suspended for jumping Gemon Green and Ja'Den McBurrows after a noncompetitive loss. It's not going to be 52-7 because MSU will pull out all the stops as they chase the one thing that could somewhat redeem this karma-laden season, but what's MSU's best-case scenario here? It doesn't have the word "dignity" in it.

That will provide some grim satisfaction, and then one more tune up before Armageddon November.

AWARDS

Known Friends and Trusted Agents Of The Week

[Fuller]

you're the man now, dog

#1 JJ McCarthy. Sometimes the sheer lack of attempts for McCarthy keeps him out of this slot, and you could argue that a guy throwing the ball 17 times probably shouldn't be up here. But when you complete 14 of them for 222 yards, okay. McCarthy also had 50 yards rushing. He did take a sack or two that was on him, but offset that with multiple escapes that set Michigan up for big plays.

#2 Michael Barrett. A blitzing tour de force from Barrett, who had a sack, strip, and fumble recovery on one thunderous blitz; on a second he forced the QB into the waiting arms of Jaylen Harrell; a third forced a rollout and throwaway even though he drew a blocker. Barrett was able to attack half a man and push through anyway. Michigan has been holding their water with Barrett all year—just 18 pass rush snaps per PFF. Might be time for him to get nosier.

#3(T) AJ Barner, Max Bredeson, and Colston Loveland. Barner and Bredeson continue to plow opponents; Barner also turned in a nice back-shoulder catch. Loveland isn't as forceful of a blocker but led Michigan with 80 receiving yards, including an important conversion on Michigan's third drive and a long improv touchdown. Two points each.

Honorable mention: Blake Corum continues to do Blake Corum things in relatively slim at-bats. Ben Hall led Michigan in rushing and set expectations for next year real high. Jaylen Harrell had a clean-up sack and a strip sack that set up a Mason Graham recovery and club-forward turnover buffs photo. Mike Sainristil deflected a pass that ended up being an interception and had great coverage on a couple other incidents.

KFaTAotW Standings.

(points: #1: 8, #2: 5, #3: 3, HMs one each. Ties result in somewhat arbitrary assignments.)

35: JJ McCarthy (#1 ECU, #1 UNLV, #2 Rutgers, HM Nebraska, #2 Minn, #1 IU)
22: Kris Jenkins (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 BGSU, HM Rutgers, #1 Neb)
14: Mason Graham (HM ECU, T2 UNLV, #1 Minn, HM IU)
12: Mike Sainristil (T3 ECU, HM BGSU, #1 Rutgers, HM IU)
10: Blake Corum (HM ECU, HM UNLV, #2 BGSU, HM Rutgers, HM Neb, HM IU)
9: Roman Wilson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, #3 Nebraska)
8: Mike Barrett (HM UNLV, T3 Rutgers, #2 IU)
7: Braiden McGregor(T3 UNLV, #2 Nebraska), Cornelius Johnson (T2 ECU, HM UNLV, HM BGSU, HM Minn)
6: Kenneth Grant (T3 ECU, T2 UNLV),
5: Junior Colson (#3 BGSU, T3 Rutgers), AJ Barner (HM BGSU, HM Neb, HM Minn, T3 IU)
4: Ernest Hausmann (T3 ECU, T3 Rutgers), Max Bredeson (HM Rutgers, HM Neb, T3 IU)
3: Will Johnson(#3 Minn), Colston Loveland (HM Rutgers, T3 IU), Derrick Moore (T3 UNLV, HM Neb), Jaylen Harrell (HM UNLV, HM BGSU, HM IU)
2:  Josh Wallace (T3 ECU)
1: Tommy Doman (HM ECU), Donovan Edwards (HM ECU), Tyler Morris (HM UNLV), Semaj Morgan (HM Rutgers),Quinten Johnson (HM Rutgers), Kalel Mullings (HM Minn), The Offensive Line (HM Minn), Keon Sabb (HM Minn), Josiah Stewart (HM Minn), Ben Hall (HM IU)

Who's Got It Better Than Us(?) Of The Week

Tyler Morris fields a punt over his shoulder after a weird bounce, dodges the two gunners, and rips off 30 yards to set Michigan up for a late first-half TD that allows Michigan to dominate the "middle eight."

Honorable mention: JJ-Edwards flip, Barrett sack-strip-recover, JJ-Loveland improv TD, Graham one-hand fumble recovery.

MARCUS HALL EPIC DOUBLE BIRD OF THE WEEK.

Keon Sabb bites on a trick play, allowing Indiana to go up 7-0 near the end of the first quarter and asking momentary Questions.

Honorable mention: Colston Loveland drops a ball on Michigan's first play from scrimmage, which helps create a three-and-out.

MORE LIKE COME PLAY WITHDRAWN FORWARD FOR JURGEN KLINSMANN

O reader, I bring to you a topic of great significance. The blogosphere has been riven by controversy after a horse tried to play football on twitter. Should horses play football on twitter? Should horses not play football on twitter? This is the great modern give-and-take of discourse. This is the First Amendment. This is America.

The Anti-Horse Alliance is led by one Adam Jacobi, an Iowan who loathes all hooved mammals you cannot eat. I must agree that a thousand pounds of lovely-seeming meat just, like, composted or whatever is a waste and is hateful. In addition, he says the idea of horses playing football is anathema. He has many fine reasons for this take.

Horses can't understand football. Horses aren't completely stupid, and their skills at dressage lead me to believe that an end zone celebration involving a horse hot-steppingcould be PHENOMENAL, but football is a very complicated sport with rules and regulations governing virtually everything, and I just can't imagine that a horse would be able to abide by the rules of the line of scrimmage and the snap. False start penalties everywhere, even for just a twitch of the tail. "Set" means "set," horsie.

And so forth and so on.

The Coalition of the Horse Willing counts the esteemed Spencer Hall in their ranks.

Horses can qualify academically in the NCAA. Provided they get a learning disabled qualification, a horse should be able to stay eligible at several SEC schools. Auburn and Ole Miss come to mind first, but let's not single out those schools alone, but yes, mainly Auburn and Ole Miss. Horses may also succeed--neigh! even thrive!--at the C-USA, Sun Belt, and MAC level.

I fear that both these men have missed the mark on the original question so badly that they have embarrassed themselves in the manner of a 50-year-old white Christian male who demands credit for such, also on twitter. They will live down their shame in time.

That shame: by debating whether or not horses should play football they fail to ask the question "what sport should horses play?" Football is an ill fit. Basketball is preposterous, hockey promising but problematic, track and field faintly ridiculous, and horse racing completely out of the question. It's obvious, though. It's right in front of your face, and thus two or three feet below a horse's face.

Horses should play soccer.

THEY HAVE MORE FEET. More feet equals more skill. Leo Messi in fact has a foot that branches just below the ankle into ten toe-sized feet. Horses cannot match this, but with four feet they have double that of the average American, and are therefore twice as good at soccer than said average American, four times better than many World War I veterans, and eight times better than Robbie Findley.

PREHENSILE LIMBS NOT REQUIRED HERE. The McDonalds inside of which horses play soccer beautifully has a sign outside that says "NO SHIRT NO SHOES NO FINGERS NO PROBLEM."

HORSES CAN UNDERSTAND SOCCER. It's mostly a matter of booting a ball around without whistles and the like. Much simpler than football. Also, horses came from Europe! QED.

While I think a horse hockey team would be pretty good since the goalie would occupy the entire net, you'd probably have to shoot it. I digress.

TURNING HORSE ANKLES INTO A MIST OF TENDONS AND DEATH IS SANCTIONED IN SOCCER. In football, exploding someone's ankle is not a penalizable offense except in certain situations. Anyone turning a leg into a spray of horror gristle in soccer is generally shown a red card. The tendency of horse legs to fall off with little provocation is an asset to the team, if not the horse in particular. Go team.

SOCCER DEVELOPMENTAL PROGRESS GENERALLY AVOIDS THE NCAA. Horses do not have to take tests to sign with Liverpool or whatever.

POOPING ON THE FIELD IS PROBABLY STILL NOT GOOD. But they do play on actual grass. The cost savings. Think of them.

AMERICA CAN USE THEIR ATHLETES ON AMERICAN SPORTS. Horses are a great untapped resource in our race to dominate the globe's favorite sport, allowing us to  both have LeBron James and LeHorse Soccer.

-----------------

This is the First Amendment, that I can say that horses playing football is a terrible idea… unless it's the other football.

"Don't tread on me"

–Horse America.

See you at the World Cup final. Bring carbonated oats, baby.