flights of fancy

Two photos by Upchurch made into one.

I've been spending much of the last week going through last year's photos by Eric Upchuch (ChewerD on the site) to find the good stuff for this year's HTTV. Ninety-five percent just gets deleted, several hundred make it to folders I can access for various players and stuff. Then there's the shots and sequences that I can't, for whatever reason, use in the book but can't in good conscious throw out. So here you go.

NOTRE DAME:

You know those guys who stick their heads in lions' mouths? We've got a cameraman who'll stick his lens inches from Jake Ryan. Peer into the soul of the Viking.

[The rest after THE JUMP]

It is a day after National Signing Day and the Big Ten has inked yet another lackluster group of mostly 3-star recruits. Fearing a further drift toward mediocrity, representatives from each relevant school have secretly gathered together. Their goal:  rescuing the competitive future of their once mighty conference!

A prayer is offered to AIRBHG and thanks given unto BHGP for allowing me to rip off their format.

-------------------------------------------

Scene: A little-used back room of the Palmer House in Chicago, its walls lined with trophies honoring the conference's academic achievements, and tasteful sweaters. A group of men and a duck mill about, most huddled around a smartphone showing walrus porn. One is eyeing the gilded stand lamps, apparently wondering if they're bolted down. They are watched by a shadowy figure in a ski mask. JIM DELANEY enters…

: The Big Ten Emergency Meeting on Recruiting Top Talent to the Midwest will now come to order. B1G T3N Divisions, ROLL CALL:

: Leaders!

: Legends!

: Dammit Barry.

: Leaders!

: I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our two newest members, Notre Dame and Texas.

: Hark, fair commissariat, thou speakest in error, for surely thou didst mean mineself and mine good compatriot of Mary's land.

: I can get my parking validated right?

: Unh, right. Good afternoon.

: Good afternoon.

: Championships!

: What's he saying?

: It's the…no, Brady we're not doing the thing.

: CHAMPIONSHIPS!

: Undoubtedly the stout knave is expecting some manner of riposte.

[More. Oh so much more, after the JUMP!]

PREVIOUSLY IN OUR STORY: Many ridiculous things happened! Desmond Howard's lower body was cloned by a nefarious organization bent on Michigan world domination. It was subsequently abducted by J Leman. Seven years later, Leman captured Tom Brady and brought him before Bob Zook and a duck, whereupon James Earl Jones and Lawrence Kasdan convinced Leman his actions were un-American, whereupon he freed Tom Brady, whereupon Tom Brady impressively KICKED the duck into a cloning machine, whereupon Bob Zook released Adrian Clayborn to devastatingly SACK Tom Brady into the same cloning machine, whereupon said cloning machine said a lot of ominous stuff and did this:

As the smoke clears, three separate pockets of life stir…

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

Urrrrr.

What the…?

Quack.

Oh my God! Poor thing. I have to get you out of here.

Qua—. On second and long Michigan will run a draw or throw a screen. Third and long pass. Punt. Waggle comes after approximately 3.5 successful runs on drive; give or take x, where x is a complicated polynomial expression elided. Quack. Jim Herrmann's favorite defense in a late-game situation is called "Charmin." Yost. Quack. Quack.

We have to go!

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

Urrrr.

 

What the…?

HELLO ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM FEELING VERY MOBILE AT THE MOMENT YES YES LETS DO SOMETHING DO YOU LIKE CHESS I CAN PLAY CHESS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT

There they are!

No!

[Impressive KICK!]

Noooooooo!

CHECKMATE.

How did you do that?

LETS GO SOMEWHERE FAST

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

Urrrr.

 

What the…?

Quack.

What happened?

AFLAC!

Quack.

I see.

AFLAC!

Have I told you about my brother Ron? Greatest football coach in the universe, really.

AFLAC!

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

Quack. 107,501. Quack. Most all time victories. Quack. The rush linebacker position is basically a defensive end.

Boy, you know a lot about Michigan.

Quack. Require sustenance.

All I've got is this orange juice. Very American drink, orange juice.

Juice. Desire Juice. Juice. Juice.

Here. Now what are we going to call you?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

So… now what?

NOW EVERYTHING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [Starts running to and fro, disappears too quickly to believe. A trail of smoke stretches to the horizon.]

Great.

[An ENORMOUS BUS FULL OF SCANTILY CLAD MODELS pulls up.]

Need a ride?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

I guess I need a new nefarious plot. I always think better with a little help.

[expands Bob Zook's mind, reminds everyone not to try this at home unless you want to think that facial hair is a good idea.]

Quack.

Okay, here.

[when inhaled by half-human, half-duck hybrid becomes a permanent feature of the creature's personality]

Quaaaaack. Munch. Munch.

HA HA DUCK MUNCHIES THAT IS SO FUNNY

Yoink!

Aww, now what am I going to watch eat?

INT. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MEETING ROOM. FEBRUARY 2002.

Quack.

  Goddammit, where's Brady? Get him in here again.

Quack.

He says the Rams' two-minute defense has obvious weaknesses against four verticals.

You got all that from "quack"?

Definitely. I'm telling you, he gives us a decided schematic advantage.

To me he just seems like a hideously malformed being with an enormous waist that says "quack" all the time.

He's a super genius. Srsly.

Well, all right. Maybe that tip will come in handy tomorrow. I've got to go meet with the defense.

Quack.

Have I ever told you you're head coach material?

Brady. Come in, Brady.

Brady here.

Report on The Project.

After I win the Super Bowl tomorrow I calculate a 97% chance the abomination ascends to the head coaching job at Notre Dame.

 

EXT. DEERFIELD BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD, 2007

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Oh my God. This kid is going to run for a billion yards.

ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

Oh my God. This kid is going to throw for a billion yards.

I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS

  Oh my Go—hackachakahcakakach. [/expires]

No one must know about our secret installation. Now I just have to figure out how to get this kid to complete 45% of his passes and run for under 600 yards.

Let me take care of that.

Quack.

EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS.  2008

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He's coming. He's like a 500-foot-tall robot or something.

Quack. Also, given the Coriolis effect at these exact GPS coordinates I calculate that if I touch you exactly two point three centimeters above your right clavicle…

INT. NEWSTERBAAN FIELD HOUSE. AUGUST 2009.

As you can see, the long-awaited results of our cloning projected have paid off even better than we expected. This year you go to a bowl or we block out the sun above Ann Arbor.

You don't think that's a little drastic?

No. This is Michigan.

  QUAAAAAAACK

Goddammit, get Brady in here again. This is going to take more time than I thought.

EXT. MEMORIAL STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2009

No! Not again!

All too easy.

EXT. EVERY OTHER ILLINOIS GAME, 2006-2009

DO SOMETHING!

Quack.

DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT!

EXT. DIRT PRACTICE FIELD. SUMMER 2010.

EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS UCONN, 2010.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Not in the face!

ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

Not in the face!

VRRRREEEEEEESHOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 

Not there either.

TO BE CONTINUED… BY EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD! THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED!

Obviously two things:

1. Depending on whether or not BHGP likes it, this is either an homage to or straight ripoff of their posts in this vein, down to J Leman's presence. I have tried to make this up to them in the content. Also, the J Leman picture was first brought to the world in those Big Ten team previews I used to do.
2. I can't confirm that this is true, if you know what I mean.

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—MEETING ROOM. 1992

A conference table is surrounded by hooded figures. One throws back the hood, revealing himself to be STEPHEN ROSS, super rich guy. Also seated are JAMES EARL JONES, sith lord, and DOOMED J. SCIENTIST, a scientist.

I hereby bring this meeting of the Evil Michigan World Domination Illuminati to order. First order of business: the Desmond Howard cloning situation.

There have been some… issues. We have successfully dealt with the flippers, but it came at a cost.

You have failed me for the last time, Doomed Scientist.

haacckckackaackak

Always with the force choke, James. Can we get past the bit where you tell him his lack of faith is… disturbing and get on with it.

I still don't see why we can't build a football stadium in the wave field and get Tom Harmon back.

Yes, always with the force choke and the building it and the coming. Moving on. Doomed scientist?

We have now perfectly replicated Desmond Howard's lower body. There are some problems with the torso. As you can see on my powerpoint--

You have failed me—

Yes, for the last time. Spit it out, Doomed Scientist.

The main problem with the torso is that there isn't one. It just kind of… stops.

…

I find its lack of torso—

Yes, yes, disturbing. For the record, I do too. You have created a mindless abomination that can accelerate to full speed in half a second, stop on a dime, and juke like there's no tomorrow. Shoot it in he head.

It doesn't have a head.

Then have Jones mystically force choke it to death. Next order of business: the destruction of Notre Dame football.

I am positioning Texas A&M defensive coordinator Bob Davie to be the droid Lou Holtz is looking for.

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1992.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry it has to end like this.

  …

You're just a torso! Don't look at me like that.

…

I can't do this. We must escape!

  Come with me.

J Leman?

It is I.

Aren't you seven?

What's your point?

Nothing. Let's go.

Halt!

  BLAM BLAM BLAM

Noooooooooo… [/expires]

[Ninja CHOP!]

Noooooooo…

Let's go, Desmond Howard lower body. I have plans for you.

…

INT. CLANDESTINE URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

Another meeting room. BOB ZOOK, Ron Zook's evil but lazy twin, and a DUCK discuss dark matters.

Mwahahaha! Seven years of mustache twirling and pot smoking are about to pay off tonight!

  You had better hope this plot works better than your last dozen, Zook. My patience runs thin. My pit of ravenous piranhas grows hungry. We must repay our arch-rivals for the generations who have endured nothing but humiliation!

Oh, it will. Hark: here comes the strike team now.

I have done as you asked, distasteful as it is.

mrphpmph.

What's he's saying?

No doubt something like "you'll never get away with this, Hyper-Intelligent Duck That Secretly Runs Illinois." But I will. Mwa. Mwa haahahahaahaa!

  Mwahahahahahaha!

BOOM.

mrprhphphp.

Oh, let's listen. I love it when doomed heroes blather on.

[removes gag]

You'll never get away with this, Cooper!

I said arch-rivals!

And by this you mean…

You know, your most hated rival!

Ohio State.

No! Other than Ohio State!

All right, then. You'll never get away with this, Davie!

No, your really really most hated serious very serious rival. Who you share a debilitating mutual hatred of! Not Notre Dame!

You'll never get away with this, Saban?

Aaaaaaaargh!

Alvarez? No… wait, I've got it. Mason!  You'll take the Little Brown Jug from my cold, dead hands!

No! How many times do I have…

[Tom Brady tries to remember all of the teams in the Big Ten. Meanwhile, GHOSTLY APPARITIONS of James Earl Jones and LAWRENCE KASDAN materialize nearby…]

  J. I am your father.

Noooooooooooooo! You're not my father!

Search your heart. You know it to be true.

Oh. My. God.

I told you it would work.

Free Tom Brady. This is un-American. Victories are born on the field, not in genetics labs.

You speak truth. [Ninja CHOP!]

…I'm sorry, I'll get it in a second. You'll never get away with this, whoever Northwestern's coach is!

If I didn't need you for my diabolical plots I would impale you on my bill.

Also I appear to be free. [Impressive KICK!]

[flies towards complicated, ominous looking technological thing with glass tubing containing a familiar set of disembodied legs]

No! Release the defensive ends!

I am free.

My one weakness! Lo, I am stripped of my merry band of protectors! Wait, aren't you 11?

The least realistic part of this is not my age but the idea Bob Zook and a duck could capture me. Allow me to take my rage out on you. [Devastating SACK!]

[flies towards same ominous technological thing]

[Thunderous CRASH!]

[Similarly thunderous CRASH!]

BZZZTERERFFFFFZZZZEDDDD CLONE SEQUENCE ERROR. MULTIPLE ORGANISMS. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. MULTIDIMENSIONAL ARRAY. EIGENVECTOR. COMBINATION IN PROGRESS. OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DESMOND HOWARD'S DISEMBODIED LEGS? WILL BOB ZOOK FACE HIS COMEUPPANCE? WILL TOM BRADY'S BEAUTIFUL FACE BE MANGLED? WILL BLACK HEART GOLD PANTS ORGANIZE A DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACK ON MGOBLOG? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2: THE INTEGRATION AND INFILTRATION. TOMORROW!

Insanely too long, but I fell down the rabbit hole on this one.

There is an annual complaint against the Pairwise when Team X is passed over in favor of considerably less deserving team Y. This is an exercise in pointlessness, but I was curious as to what a tournament that's selected by eyeballing it would look like. Let's pretend I'm the committee and put 16 teams together.

AUTOBIDS

Boston College, North Dakota, Cornell, Michigan, Alabama-Huntsville, and RIT.

AT-LARGE LOCKS

Denver and Miami have the top two records in the country against the #8 and #14 schedules. Wisconsin and St. Cloud are 3 and 6 in RPI and have top ten records against top ten schedules.

THE EXCESSIVELY LARGE BUBBLE

TEAM	Record	RPI	TUC	Record Rank	SOS	Conference finish	Conference tourney
Bemidji State	23-9-4	0.543	6-2-1	6	34	1st CHA	Third place tie
Yale	20-9-3	0.537	4-1-2	8	40	1st ECAC	First round
NMU	20-12-8	0.535	11-8-5	13T	19	4th CCHA	Runner-up
Ferris State	21-13-8	0.533	6-10-3	13T	30	3rd CCHA	Fourth place
Minnesota-Duluth	22-17-1	0.533	11-14-5	18	9	4th WCHA	Fifth place
UNH	17-13-7	0.533	7-10-6	19	12	1st HE	First round
Alaska	18-11-9	0.530	6-7-6	16	26	5th CCHA	Round of eight
Vermont	17-14-7	0.526	9-9-5	21	13	8th HE	Semi-final
Michigan State	19-13-6	0.525	8-10-2	17	27	2nd CCHA	Round of eight
Colorado College	19-17-3	0.524	8-14-3	25T	7	6th WCHA	First round
Union	21-12-6	0.523	2-4-3	11	39	3rd ECAC	Second place
Minnesota	18-19-2	0.519	9-17-2	34	2	7th WCHA	First round

Those are the next ten teams in the RPI, the shiniest record remaining after that, and the team KRACH says should be in the tourney that isn't anywhere near these teams in RPI.

Of the above teams the first one off the board is Northern Michigan. The Wildcats have the best TUC record by far of any team with a significant number of games played, a strong RPI, and the best combination of record and schedule strength. NMU is 7-2-5 against this cohort.

Bemidji State is next with their excellent RPI and 7-5-2 record against a 14-game slate of WCHA and CCHA opponents that included a three-point weekend against Northern, a sweep of UMD, and a win over Miami.

And we will take Yale as a 20-9-3 ECAC champ even if KRACH thinks they are worse than eight WCHA teams.

Goodbyes

Now we get down to the tough decisions. Three spots left for eight teams. They come in three sets:

• High RPI: Ferris State, UMD, UNH.
• Low RPI: Vermont, Michigan State, CC, Union, Minnesota
• Straddling: Alaska

Minnesota is mostly included to show how broken KRACH is as a real world selection device. In its world, an under .500 WCHA team that finished seventh in its conference, went 5-3 OOC and has a horrible TUC record would be a three seed. There is an NCAA rule prohibiting teams under .500 from getting at-large bids after Wisconsin pulled that trick off a couple years ago. They're dropped.

Next, we shoot down Michigan State. There are two CCHA teams with big RPI advantages on them. Both have better records against basically equivalent schedules. Taking them would mean taking the other two CCHA teams and having six in the tourney, something that can't be justified given the relative nonconference results.

We also shoot down CC, which didn't do anything in the nonconference or playoffs to disprove the idea it's a below average WCHA team. CC's nonconference consisted of a split against Northeastern, the ninth place team in HE, a win against Cornell, a loss against Maine, and four games against an assortment of AH and CHA teams. KRACH, of course, has them ninth nationally because they're almost .500 in the WCHA.

Union is the next to die with their ugly SOS and nonexistent TUC categories. That's something that can be overlooked when you have a nice RPI, but there's no reason to look at Union's schedule and think they're somehow underrated.

The Real Bubble

TEAM	Record	RPI	TUC	Record Rank	SOS	Conference finish	Conference tourney
Ferris State	21-13-8	0.533	6-10-3	13T	30	3rd CCHA	Fourth place
Minnesota-Duluth	22-17-1	0.533	11-14-5	18	9	4th WCHA	Fifth place
UNH	17-13-7	0.533	7-10-6	19	12	1st HE	First round
Alaska	18-11-9	0.530	6-7-6	16	26	5th CCHA	Round of eight
Vermont	17-14-7	0.526	9-9-5	21	13	8th HE	Semi-final

The only low RPI team we can't dismiss is Vermont, which went 3-3 in six games against RPI #2 Denver and #4 Boston College. They also beat Yale and UMD in single games and went 2-3-1 against UNH. Their TUC record is the most impressive of any team not already selected. They finished eighth(!) in Hockey East, yes, but they were three points from third. Going 6-1 in the nonconference and beating league champ UNH in the first round of the playoffs means they're worth a look.

Ferris has the best record of any remaining team other than ECAC foe Union but they have an ugly TUC record that's made uglier by the details: four of Ferris's six wins are against UNO, the #21 team according to RPI. The others are wins against Michigan and Michigan State.

New Hampshire… same boat, but they are 3-2-1 against Vermont for whatever that's worth.

Alaska swept Ferris, split a trio with Michigan, and tied three of six against Northern. 

UMD is in a similar boat: eight of their eleven TUC wins are against #18 CC (who they played an improbable seven times) and #22 Minnesota. However, Duluth has a better record, RPI, and SOS than UNH and Vermont. They have slightly worse records by a much higher SOS than either of the CCHA teams. Minnesota-Duluth is in.

We have to kill two of these teams. I don't know. Maybe goal differential?

1. Ferris State: +0.65
2. Alaska: +0.45
3. New Hampshire: +0.21
4. Vermont: +0.05

That does not help at all. This is why they went with the Pairwise. Okay. You cannot possibly put Vermont in the tournament over UNH when UNH has a better record, RPI, SOS, conference finish, and beat Vermont head to head. And I don't think you can leave out UNH without a good reason when they proved themselves vastly superior to all HE teams not named Boston College. So New Hampshire's in. Then you have three teams.

TEAM A has the best record and RPI but weakest schedule.

TEAM B swept team A but has a meaningfully worse record and a worse league and conference finish.

TEAM C beat more really good teams than the other two but lost to more bad teams and finished in eighth place in its conference.

I… I guess I'm going with Ferris State and validating all the complaints. But it's not like this is obvious.

Seedings

Working backwards since those should be the easiest:

16. UAH
15. RIT

Small conference autobids for teams with bad metrics.

14. Ferris State
13. New Hampshire
12. Minnesota-Duluth

Last three in.

11. Michigan

Michigan gets ahead of UMD and Ferris by virtue of common opponents. The other metrics are so close as to be nearly indistinguishable, but Michigan has a major edge in COP against a conference opponent in Ferris and a 10-2 to 8-6 advantage against UMD. The comparison with UNH is basically a push in all categories, so Michigan gets the edge for the strong late-season run.

10. Yale
9. Bemidji State

I guess this is where strong records against weak competition go.

8. Northern Michigan

Clearly the best of the bubble-ish teams.

7. Cornell
6. St. Cloud State

They've separated themselves from the below; it's a coinflip as to which is 6 and which is 7.

5. Boston College
4. North Dakota
3. Wisconsin

Three teams for two one-seeds. Wisconsin has a major edge in comparisons against BC; North Dakota narrowly loses TUC but actually has a much more impressive record since they played 15 games against RPI top ten opponents (and another five against #12) to BC's one. The COP category is BC's mostly because North Dakota went 1-4 against Denver. Since RPI is basically equivalent, I give the nod to North Dakota's SOS.

2. Denver
1. Miami

These are the obvious top two teams in the tournament. Picking between them is not a big deal since the last two teams are by far the least impressive and both should go meekly. Miami does have all three points in the PWR comparison so we'll go with them.

Bracket

That sets us up with one intra-conference matchup in the first round: Cornell versus Yale. We'll swap Yale and BSU.

Fort Wayne

1. Miami vs 16. UAH
8. Northern Michigan vs 9. Yale

Albany

2. Denver vs. 15. RIT
7. Cornell vs. 10. Bemidji State

St. Paul

3. Wisconsin vs. 14 Ferris State
6. St. Cloud State vs. 11. Michigan

Worchester

4. North Dakota vs 13. UNH
5. Boston College vs. 12. Minnesota-Duluth

Attendance will be shaky in Fort Wayne, but there's no way to swap Michigan in since Northern is holding down the 8 seed unless you want to swap the entire matchup. If Northern and St. Cloud had comparable metrics, I'd do it but there's a big enough gap that the bracket integrity is more important.

Differences

Minnesota-Duluth probably should have been in easily, but was left out in favor of Vermont. If you put a gun to my head, I'd say Ferris is more deserving than Alaska. Apparently, in my Northern is slightly underseeded; other than that it's not much different, at least not this year.

If I was the king of college hockey I'd have the committee hand select the last couple at large bids but then use the Pairwise for seeding.