dear god darren rovell why

Ace: It’s an emergency. We have to talk about this.

Seth: OH, LET'S GO right here!

BiSB: You could do a Gimmicky Top 20 about this video, and there would still be grievous omissions. It contains multitudes.

Ace: Let’s set the stage: Darren Rovell is playing his first online poker game ever. This surprises me, since I assumed he’d be one of the types who watched the World Series of Poker in 2005 and got obsessed because it was sports with money and that’s Rovell’s entire life. They’re playing Texas Hold ’Em and, in this video, he’s dealt a great hand: Ace-Queen suited (both diamonds).

Importantly, this is the table just prior to the hand being dealt. Rovell, naturally, is “DMoneyWinz,” and we should note a couple more things here:

He’s the short stack at the table. By a lot.

He’s also the big blind for this upcoming hand, so more of his waning money is going in the pot no matter what. Over 11% of his chips will be going into this hand before a card is dealt.

BiSB: Also, notice the chat, where he offers the insight that, quote, "I have no money left."

Ace: The first line of this is what some would call “foreshadowing.”

Brian: Darren Rovell is essentially my age, which means he is in the Has Watched Rounders 50 Times, Ten To Fifteen Of Them On Purpose age bracket.

Ace: This age group extends down to my generation thanks to Chris Moneymaker.

Brian: Every American male from my age to Bill Simmons's has a dusty DVD on a shelf somewhere.

Seth: /raises hand

Videocassette.

BiSB: John Malkovich should have won an EGOT for that role.

Ace: It’s almost impossible for someone anyone near his age/demographic/job not to get some poker knowledge by sheer accident.

HE COVERS THE CROSSOVER BETWEEN SPORTS AND MONEY.

Sorry, I’m getting prematurely upset.

Brian: Right. This is just setting the cultural context stage. Everyone on earth knows how to play Hold 'Em now. Let us embark.

BiSB: So, he at least recognizes that suited Ace-Queen is good. Bonus points there.

Seth: Should we discuss his choice of avatar?

Ace: I think it’s a default, another player has it too.

Brian: His alternatives appear to be a turtle, a fox, and an anime lawyer so I get the stogie chomping guy as an option. Turtle is tempting though.

Ace: Rovell also gets a little credit for taking coaching to heart and knowing he should fold the vast majority of his hands.

Brian: DOES HE

Ace: Now, does he apply this knowledge well? Stay tuned.

[After THE JUMP: The flop, the turn, the flop]

Programming Note

For the sake of helping to bring all the good stuff to the fore, we're going to start using the hashtag #MGoTWIT. If you see anything particularly noteworthy (or, more realistically, scornworthy), tag it with that hashtag and the internet hamsters will stop by to collect it. As always, feel free to send any TWIT-worthy content to @Bry_Mac.

Hoosier (Can No Longer Become a) Daddy

On Tuesday night, Michigan State faced off with Indiana in East Lansing. It was a matchup of Top 5 teams with serious implications for the Big Ten regular season title, as well as NCAA seeding and the overall future of mankind. Blah blah blah LET'S TALK ABOUT THE GROIN-PUNCH. Late in the 4th quarter, Cody Zeller threw an elbow to the nether-region of Derrick Nix en route to the bucket. Nix was displeased because, and I quote, "mmmmmnnnnnggggguuuuurrggggggghhhh [/labored breathing]." So shortly thereafter when Nix was defending Zeller in the post, this happened:

Congratulations Cody Zeller, you have joined the same exclusive club as Brian Cook's soul, Corey Liuget, and 80% of America's Funniest Home Videos participants. The video evidence is pretty damning, so let's consider how Sparty might respond:

DOOR NUMBER ONE: Blame the victim

Some believe that Zeller did this to himself; he pulled Nix's hand into his own manflesh in an attempt to draw a foul. [ED-S: Must include gif:

]

This is an interesting take on the classic "quit hitting yourself" employed by older brothers everywhere, but I'm not sure I buy it. For one thing, that's not a very effective way to draw a flagrant call; it's just too difficult to expect a ref to see that. Moreover, can anyone point to any time ever that someone hit himself in the dangly bits? Have you ever encountered a moment in your life when you thought to yourself, "if I can just rack myself in the huevos right now, everything will work out." The theory doesn't pass the smell test, and I think this is one of those situations where slow motion muddies the water a bit; remember when Michigan fans were all saying that Watford shoved GRIII's arm when GRIII decked Hulls, but a better angle showed that to be inaccurate? I think this is that. But I suppose the video COULD (through bleary, homer-tastic eyes) support that theory. So let's look at...

[After the thing where you do the JUMPING]