The difference between this season and 2009-'10: 100 percent more Jug.}
Photo: Eric Upchurch.
[ED: LATE BREAKING is this week's edition of Pick Six.]
Michigan is 5-0 and beat a Big Ten team 58-0. The only thing tempering effusive celebration and Pasadenic predictions right now is Michigan made it to 5-0 last year too. Quick this year v. last year table (EDIT: now FIXED):
|W 30-10 v UConnn||W 34-10 v WMU|
|W 28-24 @Notre Dame||W 35-31 v Notre Dame|
|W 42-37 v UMass||W 31-3 v EMU|
|W 42-35 @Indiana||W 28-7 v SD State|
|W 65-21 v BGSU||W 58-0 v Minnesota|
I realigned '10 a bit to kinda sorta match the level of competition (so like beating up on BGSU = beating up on Minnesota) but last year had two road games. It also had an FCS team put up 37 and Indiana put up 35, while the season on the right side seems to keep getting better as it goes along. "This isn't last year!" was this week's rallying cry in the diaries, where justingoblue is trying to figure out how tough the schedule has been so far, and 909Dewey is taking way too small sample sizes to put 58-0 over Minnesota in the context of Michigan 2005-present.
Blazefire is preparing himself for a "Rationality Juncture," ie the swings that sports fandom brings:
We are fans because we believed that a five foot ninja could stop North Dakota. We are fans because we believed Darius Morris would shoot successfully. We are fans because we believed in 30 seconds.
This one paragraph puts him in the running for Diarist of the Week. Of course he wouldn't have a chance except BlueSeoul is exempt from winning. That does not exempt you from reading his latest masterpiece Game Wraps:
Little Brown Jug Total Gopher Destructo, with pics:
MSU-OSU Total Rival Self-Destructo, with pics:
How we know it's not 2010: Michigan State actually played Ohio State.
While we're on the subject of Mansmash vs. Brotough, see if you can guess which of the following names are 2013 prospects recently profiled by Ace, and which are MST3K space jocks:
|Laquon Treadwell||Fist Rockbone||Brick Hardmeat||Lump Beefbroth|
|Blast Hardcheese||Stump Beefnoss||Taco Charlton||Shaq Wiggins|
|De'Niro Laster||Smash Lampjaw||Wit Slagcheek||Touch Rustrod|
|Slap Bulkhead||Punch Rockgroin||Punch Sideiron||Reif Blastbody|
|Bold Bigflank||Buck Plankchest||Gristle McThornbody||Big McLargehuge|
|Splint Chesthair||Stump Junkman||Blake Fistcrunch||Jake Butt|
|Flint Ironstag||Dirk Hardpeck||Buff Hardpack||Smoke Manmuscle|
|Bolt Vanderhuge||Tom Tyner||Bob Johnson||Beat Punchbeef|
|Thick McRunfast||Rip Steakface||Blast Thickneck||Hack Blowfist|
|Buff Drinklots||Blake Slamrock||Crunch Buttsteak||Roll Fizzlebeef|
|Grunt Slamchest||Rod Bonemeal||Slabs Quadthrust||Jus Gritzer|
Big McLargehuge has camped at Michigan but needs to improve his shape before he earns a Michigan offer. This week's points bonus opportunity goes to whoever can best apply the above names to characters from this year's OSU-MSU debacle. Last week's goes to Gwhizz for his chewbacca costume.
After the jump, more evidence that 2011 =/= 2010, and more diaries.
Title ref (this time with apple flavor cause L'shana tovah)
We have waited far too long to recognize Blue Indy for his wallpaperin' ways. The above background has been maized to remind you it's Maize Out week. There's a wallpaper too from cjm but no I'm not putting a naked gopher with a tattoo on my work laptop again (long story).
Plus man I am drinking down a pitcher of that myself. Not about the 4-0 start and a 4-point come-from-behind win over Notre Dame—we've seen that before. About this coaching staff. Whatever nits we pick around here, an overwhelming majority of Michigan fans are in agreement that our coaches are all of the following: top-of-line recruiters, good teachers, competent playcallers, sound schemers, and good guys. We've been demanding that combination so long it's easy to not fully appreciate how rare it is.
Okay BlueSeoul diarist extraordinaire, about those nits:
It's 3rd and Fricken 1!!!
He doesn't much care for flipping the front 7 to keep SDE and WDE accurate. Any other complaints?
Who does this band director think he's fooling? [pic]. There are: 1 Drum Major, 4 Twirlers, 24 Flags, 12 Piccolos, 24 Clarinets, 12 Alto Saxophones, 12 Tenor Saxophones, 48 Trumpets, 12 Horns, 33 Trombones, 4 Bass Trombones, 12 Euphoniums, 14 Sousaphones, 6 Snare Drums, 4 Bass Drums, 4 Cymbals
AND NONE OF THEM ARE LOOKING AT YOU!
NCAA Rule 448: All band leaders think they're Professor Harold Hill. The other 60% of the weekly breakdown is breaking down wonderful happy things like the sprint option and Craig Roh using an OL's extension against him. Bonus: BlueSeoul did one for EMU too.
Tailgaters: Send in Your Photos and Recipes
Some dude posted a forward from his wife in the diaries looking for tailgate recipes and photos to be made into a cookbook sold for charity purposes. Since it's for a good cause, and the dude's name is eerily similar to the one on my paycheck, I'll abide by not calling "kiosk" this time.
What Kind of Rivalry are You? Since this is a "rivalry" week, turd furguson's deep thought is timely. He breaks the nation's collegiate rivalries into those where you love the rivalry more than you care about the rival, those where you just hate those guys, and those where somebody gets noogies. He does a good job at categorizing but I think there should be way more to it. Like what about the one where you have an annoying little brother who's actually sometimes really sweet? (chicken soup diary by Shaqsquatch). I maintain a more interesting theory of rivalries is to make them analogous to relationships that 4th graders have. 100 pts. to whoever makes the best Brown Jug rivalry analogy between South Park characters. Bonus points for incorporating MIT vs. Harvard-Yale.
Bust on through into the backfield (post jump) and I'll show you the diary of the week, the weekly things, and shed light on a few memes from the depths of the board.
Remember the South Park episode after 9/11 where Sharon Marsh is left drooling on the couch watching CNN? That aired almost exactly 10 years ago. That's also pretty much how the MGoDenizens felt all week through another round of conference realignment that didn't quite match galactic expectations. Raise your hand if you could identify every player on the above telly prior to this week.
Those pics (all the little icon in the middle) are the cast of Hardware Sushi's Diary of the Week-winning report on EXPANSIONPALOOZZIZZA 2011. A taste:
Texas: Anyone interested - $10 for an HJ, $20 for a BJ, $40 for a ZJ, $300mil for an LHN. If you have to ask about the ZJ, you don't want it. Anyone?
Mizzou: We so want the B12 to survive COUGH ess eee see COUGH big ten COUGH COUGH
Jim Delany: Harumph and so forth. Big Ten likes twelve members. You will receive my condescension and be grateful, peasants.
The boards had a good expansion thread a day (best one linked) until the Pac12's sudden aneurism of sense.
For those of you who chose the Renaissance Festival over football last Saturday (what's the point of having a blog if you can't troll your friends), our resident Gonzo jhackney provides assurance that Ann Arbor was hardly different, except at ours they let Sir Lewan out of the jousting ring after half-time, and several burros died:
After halftime, Michigan had a fire lit under their ass and the lighter fluid to ignite it was the usual brand, Denard Robinson. The defense also stepped up their game to begin to look respectable, but the rushing attack by the fighting EMU’s still plagued them. Denard galloped his way on his feet, which I am convinced are small unicorns blessed by the Pope.
The second half renaissance was good enough to earn some high first quarter (of the season) marks from Maize_in_spartyland, and get StephenRKass to wonder aloud if defense and special teams are maybe making their way to the positives column.
Other stuff too good to put in an etc. section: wlubd put together the 2013 offer list. Right now it's 22 guys but that will get to over 100 by March. This will be in the Usual Stuff tab and updated.
Lanyard Program is creating a Mini Program you can print on Game Days. Sample page:
Chris of Danger… Danger of Logic made picture pages move:
And cjm made a wallpaper for SDSU week.
Don't change the channel! Coming up after the break it's the weeklies and best of the board.
Note: You can always find the most recent diaries here. Long DD thanks to ludicrous amount of great user content. [Ed: Seriously. User generated content FTW.]
Last week I used this space to make light of the Under the Lights hype, figuring an 8:00 start would be the only real difference between this and any other ho hum game at Michigan Stadium against a ho hum opponent. Well ho, hum.
I should have remembered whose house we were lighting. Today I'm looking up at Fielding H. Yost in football's Valhalla and saying "Thank you, Fielding Yost! Thank you Fielding Yost for that one!" In 'the hole that Yost dug, Crisler paid for, Canham carpeted, and Schembechler filled,' Denard finally hooked up with Roy Roundtree to cap a night that will be heard until another 132 years of Michigan football is played.
Sometimes a UFR and a Picture Page will tell you all you need to know about a certain play. This week even those of us from the School of Gary Gray Can't Cover ought to take a cue from diarists like Michael Scarn and appreciate how unbelievably great it is to be a Michigan Wolverine:
That’s how last night is for me. I need to do write about it and hope that I can do it 100th of the justice it deserves, so that maybe one day I can look back and remember just the amount and consistency of the emotions I felt.
So felt pretty much everybody, since pretty much everybody wrote a diary. Michael's is titled "Trying to Take a Picture of Big Foot" and used the tag EEEEEEEEEEEEE. Another tag rediscovered this week: HOLY @#$%, by Foote Fetish in New Friends. Even our resident oddsmaker jamiemac got home and just needed to exhale about letting good times roll.
Lordfoul has been haunted for years by the number 72, or more specifically the absence of it. While the rest of us sweated out the last two noisy drives, LF knew that Smith's score at 72 seconds signified the W was secure. MAgoBLUE watched the game in a Boston sports bar fresh from saying goodbye to the person who introduced him to sports fandom. It's stories like these that remind Enjoy Life and the rest of us to feel sorry for folks who don't care about sports.
Posts With More EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
This is the evidence jhackney gave for how he knew ND was bound to lose:
His gonzo take is gonzo (read: awesome) but what's this about not being able to see the first couple of plays for the end of Georgia-S.Carolina—did anyone else have trouble finding the start on ESPN3 (ESPNews)?
BlueSeoul (+200 pts.) took us on a rollercoaster of a game wrap with time stamps. YOU MUST READ THIS because it is like a complete game journal except with % chance of winning (in head) give every few minutes. Promise you'll click the link and I'll let you relive the last part (language NSFW):
Riddick TD. FUCK! Fuckity Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, FUUUUUCK!
Incomplete. We spent 7 seconds for zero yards.
Gallon WIDE OPEN!!! HOLY SHIT! WE CAN KICK A FG TO TIE! Oh shit. Not a field goal....
OMG IT'S A JUMP BALL! NOOOOOoooooooo
OMG HE CAUGHT IT, YES YES YES, OMG!
Fuck, they're reviewing it
THE_KNOWLEDGE goes here.
(More analysis, aesthetics, best of the board, and Diarist of the Week after the jump.)
IN A WORLD WHERE AN OKAY BIG-TEN TEAM VS GUYS WHO JUST GOT BLANKED BY USF AT HOME IS A HUGE DEAL…
Interior: Pentagon [yes, I completely copied parts of that link]. In a huge dark room full of computer screens and a huge mega screen in the center, displaying a large American flag. It is the operations center for the secret government agency for counter-nuclear robot space terrorism. A beautiful woman is at her station: platinum blonde with a huge rack. She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world.
Sir, you'd better come take a look at this.
We pan to a man in his mid-50's and an expensive tailored suit (note: can we get Jon Voight?) He is the head of this super-secret operation and utterly ruthless.
What is it agent Scarbo?
There's been movement in the tree sector alpha.
Just a blip on the screen; it was moving so fast.
But it was blue and maize had a dilithium signature
of one dash six. Sir?
Oh. My. God.
Sir, do you know what this is?
Agent, I want you to forget you ever saw this.
Send me your files then never speak of it again.
Sir? Sir do you know what this is?
Kelly is already on his phone, ignoring Agent Scarbo.
Get me Agent Te'o. It's back.
So if you haven't heard, this game is gonna be epic. The two winningest (this is not a word) teams in college football, the biggest stadium in the game, kicking off at the timeslot calculated by secret government operatives (note: cast secret gov't operatives) to be the most epic possible moment to kick off a football game. It has its own name "Under the Lights," its own logo, and outfits, and Web site, not to mention a squadron of jets which will transform into Decepticons and battle Space Bear at half-time. It's not just gonna be epic (cjm) …
It's gonna be monuMental!
Imminent Threats to National Security
So long as BlueSeoul has screen capture, Microsoft Paint, and time on his hands, it's going to be hard for anyone else to win Diarist of the Week. He gets it this week for the EPIC scouting job on ND, but so this doesn't become a '90s Florida State in the ACC situation, every time he posts one of these I'm just gonna award him 200 points and give the DotW to someone else.
In other explosive semi-regular posts resurfacing from offseason burial on the moon to wreck havoc upon the Earth, remember when Chris Danger Logic Danger of Danger is Dangerous or w/e would put Brian's picture pages to video? He's back at it, at least for the freshman vs. power running Picture Page earlier this week.
Also in helpfulness, michiganfanforlife has made a handy Game Chart I guess you're supposed to fill out like a box score. If people were to do this and post it that would be pretty epic. The point:
You can then create statistics that will tell you things like, "On first down, the opposition runs 75% of the time." Or, "This team likes to run the ball in their own territory and pass more in yours." There are endless ways of breaking down the small amount of columns I used.
The Biggest Most Ever Thing Ever or
What to Read While Waiting All Day for a Football Game
Because of a bunch of pencil-neck bastards (production note: we need to cast some pencil-neck bastards for this movie) at NCAA might not count stats accumulated during the Western game (I have a question in to Ablauf) this MASSIVE EPIC HUGE AWESOME ALSO HUMONGOUS Almanac of Records by Communist Football that took him all of offseason might still be up to date.
Aliens from the Future Are Omniscient Gods
The great thing about a badly written movie is that the bad guys will tell you every thing about their nefarious plans. And so it was that Irish, our friendly neighborhood green (sometimes navy and gold – really what the hell are ND's colors?) alien gives us the breakdown of his entire evil secret government organization, split up nicely into:
And then our own resident future alien from the future (line breaks followed by periods are for hiding the lasers for stealing souls), THE_KNOWLEDGE has his thing.
Massive Planetary Storm
Last week a meteor the size of Charlie Weiss struck the Earth at the exact same time as an earthquake along every fault caused 40 tsunamis. This combined with the unfortunate simultaneous explosion of every Iowa running back, every ACL in West Lafayette, and a strange phenomenon scientists (note: cast scientists) call a "Kovacsian Sack" to create a supermassive storm capable of leveling entire football quarters. Various accounts from the survivors follow:
Please help us rescue jhackney, who has been trapped under the ice with nothing but Dick Cheney and a video of the Gator Bowl. Every time Michigan runs POWER ISO out of the I-formation, j is an inch closer to freedom. We did manage to rescue Lordfoul but he's still jibbering.
This thing from Erik in Dayton where he watches the D in slo-mo and takes notes is kind of like a defensive UFR but way shorter and kind of useful for getting a feel for the flow of the game on that side of the ball.
Best of the Board Before EVER!
You know what our epic movie still needs? A David vs. Goliath effect. That's a bumped-to-diaries post by Maize_in_spartyland of best dogs each week. If you'd like a preview of the sequels, he also put together a list of potential snackycakes of the future (THE FUTURE!!!)
For those wishing to re-live the events of the day after a week ago, the Boyz n da Pahookee provide Michigan v. <---Michigan, every snap of the first two quarters (and you can find the 3rd pretty easy in YouTube). And karpodiem posted ND's offense vs. USF, every snap.
Moe's got his weekly contest going again. The Men's Hockey Team is offering the best job ever. Last chance to help Brian wipe the mat with other metro-D bloggers. And a bunch of people posted the Under the Lights hype video by Old Hat Creative, which is the company that makes a lot of the CGI stuff you see at stadiums, and which knows how to make shit epic. Just look:
Michigan Hockey: Epic.
Michigan Volleyball: Epic.
Kids Quoting Bo: Epic.
Michigan players who actually made it to the Ohio State game in 2009 without transferring: Epic.
Iowa State Football season tickets for under $100: TOTALLY EPIC!
...more day until the Michigan Wolverines run out under their banner into the hallowed field with a single goal. The field will be Yost's. The helmets will be Crisler's, the philosophy Kipke's. They'll come, athletes with the grace of Oosterbaan, the decency of Elliott, the humanity of Carr, and the heart of Bo.
This team was built by the game's greatest living engineer, who failed in part because he didn't pay homage to the foundation he was building upon. It is now led by a man who married the only girl he ever wanted and after he took the only job he ever dreamed of, she asked him how much he will make and he realized he hadn't even thought to ask.
What legacy will Brady Hoke leave at Michigan? What attributes will he contribute to this program so great that its fans are best known for their arrogance, and that each time Fielding's giant room is expanded, nobody need bother to ask if they can fill it? You are welcome now to ask if the variegated bricks left by Hoke's predecessors are truly attributes you'd choose, or if the moral relativist landscape of college football makes all this talk of morality pure hypocrisy. You probably think Kipke's "the best offense is a good defense" needs to be simplified to "score, and don't be scored upon," in much the same way as Aristotle's "it wants to be on the ground" got dropped for Newton's "everything falls."
Those bricks are set; they are part of the edifice's charm, and those perceived as trying to change them will be dealt with severely. They are our traditions, like Denarded being there when the bell tolls to let us know how long until the Michigan Wolverines run out on the field again.
The 19th bricklayer leads the 133nd team into its 132nd season. Each of those players are here because they chose to be. They wanted to play in that stadium, to wear those helmets, to follow that philosophy. They wanted to be counted among the great athletes, the good guys, the smart guys, the victors, the best. They came for the system; they came to become legends. As much as we may click our tongues at mention of the nebulous "Michigan Man," this is what they have come here to be, and this is what Brady Hoke has come here to define. This is our team. Hail them.
Your Diarist of the Week WolverSwede with a sing-along, No Laces Tied. It may speak for itself:
Look at me, look at me
Scoring and I won't stop
And it feels so good to be alive and top
My speed's unrivaled
My likeness, a blur
My moves are humbling
My passing is pure
It's also kind of ironic since the Flobots song is about arrogance and how it can corrupt you, while Denard is the least arrogant thing about our whole operation. I still loved it.
I also loved this personal Wolverine history of gobluehtown:
Things were never the same after that trip to Eugene. Rumors about Lloyd’s health. Chris Webber in federal court. Tommy Amaker. Antonio Bass’ knee. My freshman, sophomore against Ohio St. Football Armageddon. Bo gone. Freep Derp. My senior year was the worst. The Horror, Oregon, Losing Chad, Wisconsin, and Ohio St. The rain, the score, Tressel: it all was a massive dong punch.
That's it for the emotional stuff. Now for the helpful: NStank made a trip to Canton to watch Michigan RB target (and OSU commit) Bri'onte Dunn, coming back with the best scouting report I've yet seen on him. He even got us some video.
Last week Bocheezu was writing up summaries of Brian's WTKA show in the thread and in this space I suggested he do a weekly write-up. And dude—he listened! Awesome follows. There's some good stuff in there that hasn't been on the main page.
stubob is back with his Ugly Game of the Week. With so tune-up games against bodybags that pretty much means the whole schedule. This is where I mention I'm pissed I couldn't get the 'Cuse/Wake game last night – it looked pretty exciting on my sports app.
I wrote an addendum to Ace's Thursday Recruiting to predict who would get left out of Duane Long's Top 50 players in Ohio. Spoiler: Wormley and Kalis are probably in, Gant no.
Best of the Board
IS IT DA NA NA NA NA NA NA or DUN DA NA NA NA-NA?
Bdsisme is trying to get the cadence right for the bell cheer:
I've heard it so many different ways in different parts of the stadium but I agree it sounds like a beat's missing there. Anyway you gotta love a thread where this is peoples' replies:
Side question: For the last verse are you in favor of the seven-hit version:
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun
Or the the nine hit version:
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun-dun-dun, da-dun.
I've always favored the simple seven hit version because I think the last rendition is aimed at getting the fans to clap and shout and I don't like the cowbell taking away from it.
THE MICHIGAN DIFFERENCE
Michigan's got by far the best school ads to play during games – I actually walked down the aisle at my wedding to that xylophonic version of The Victors from the hospital commercial. M-Wolverine found the new ones for this year.
THE ART, THE ART, THE ART?!?
Whatever shall you make your wallpaper this year now that monuMental has chosen to have a life instead of making cool backgrounds for us? It took two more threads but the MGoDenizens have managed to create a gallery of options:
HOW THE BIG TEN BREAKS A TIE:
Thank Everyone Murders for finding out how the Big Ten will decide divisional ties, and then fixing it when Alton discovered ESPN had this totally wrong. How it breaks down:
- If it's a 2-way tie, Head to Head. In a three-way tie:
- In-division record (so beating Ohio State doesn't count as much as beating MSU /shakes fist)
- Compare records against next highest placed teams (so beating Iowa matters more than beating MSU)
- Records against all common conf. opponents
- Highest team in BCS (first one at end of conference season /shakes fist at SEC coaches who use their votes to manipulate things)
- If the two highest teams are ranked next to each other it's the team with the best winning % not counting "excluded games" which I think means MAC teams count but FCS schools don't so DON'T SCHEDULE FCS TEAMS
- Random drawing (i.e. they pick the team that'll get higher ratings)