datbull fo life fo fo life
Typically this column tries to grab a cross-section of the happenings of social media. But sometimes an event is so all-encompassing that we can’t look away. No matter how hard we try to move on, a big ol’ train wreck will always grab and hold our attention. Fortunately, this one comes with actual trains:
[NOTE: The magic men behind this video have been trying desperately to pull these videos down as fast as we can bring them up, so if it gets pulled down, don’t worry. The Internet never forgets.]
There are just so many things going on here. Matt Painter makes a half-assed cameo. They attempt to rhyme “outdone” with “Boiler Up” (among about thirty other failed rhymes). The Lonely Island beat. The guy in the tuxedo. The overreliance on the inherent awesomeness of having a big drum. The sunglasses. The lyrics. Ooooooh, the lyrics.
As you can imagine, many people have put in their two cents on the topic. Among the suggested reading:
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Sports Illustrated transcribed the lyrics, and in doing so realized half-way through that they were doing the work of the devil.
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Purdue blog Hammer and Rails created a breakdown pointing out a number of factual inaccuracies, as well as to the general WTFness.
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Spencer Hall over at EDSBS provided a helpful how-to guide for making team-themed music videos. The takeaway: don’t.
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Adam Jacobi at Black Hearts Gold Pants showed how Kirk Ferentz would have thrown down, which… just read it.
The only remaining question is where exactly this video falls in the Pantheon of the Pathetic. Let’s take a brief run through the history of terrible team tunes:
[AFTER THE JUMP: Yes, of course there will be Freekbass.]
By now everyone has heard the saga of Jay Harris. The former Michigan State wide receiver commit out of Pennsylvania has parted ways with the Spartans to pursue his rap career. There are varying accounts of exactly what happened; Harris claimed it was a mutual decision, and MSU sources are indicating they dropped him like... well, like a Michigan State wide receiver would drop something. But with all the drama of how this went down, one thing got lost in the shuffle: the music.
[Caution: lyrics are very much NSFW]
Harris put together a this epic music video, so it's only fitting that we analyze said video to try to unlock the genius within.
0:00 - 
We open on the most hardcore of all yard equipment storage structures, the shed. This particular shed is especially thug, because it is tagged. On the inside. So whoever was inside the shed would know whose shed it was. A lone young man sits, and while we presume him to be our protagonist, but he has not yet told us his name.
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0:04 - 
Oh damn, there goes that scholarship. Oh well. Now we can move on to our hero's true talents like...
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0:07 -
...being a fire-breathing dragon.
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0:10 - 
"Datbull fo life. Fo fo life. I'm Datbull fo life. Fo life..."
Finally, a flicker of insight into his identity. Yes, our hero has a name. And like most males, he will go by that name for the rest of his life. But apparently he has had trouble in the past convincing people of either his identity or the vehemence with which he will stand by that identity, so he repeats himself several times to drive home his point. He is Datbull, and he shall remain as such for life.
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0:14 - 
He seems to have lost focus, though in fairness it seems to be through little fault of his own.
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0:17 - 
Mr. Bull has surrounded himself with a group of likeminded compatriots, but one (who may or may not be pre-weight loss Jonah Hill) has been ostracized from the group. He is made to stand behind a gate. This seems unfair, but perhaps there is a good reason. Only time will tell.
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0:27 - 
"I'm Datbull fo life. I take yo wife. Take his b*tch and his b*tch..."
Our scene shifts to the pavilion at a local park. Pavilions, of course, are among the thuggest of the open-air structures. What, were you gonna say that pagodas are harder? You think a weak-ass gazebo could survive in the rap game? Hell no. But I hope they reserved that pavilion, because if that Boy Scout Troop shows up, they'll kick you out again. They plan ahead.
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0:40 - 
"She dancin' [in close proximity to my genitals] like she practicing that ballet"
That's... sir, that's not a nice thing to say about his wife.
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1:19 - 
"And there's mollys in the building so you know I'm popping three..."
We return to the safety of the shed, and we are led to notice the amount of seating available. How many gatherings are you hosting in this shed?
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1:29 - 
[I have no idea what he's saying]
This is a tactical error by the director. This large pile of money is barely noticeable. That should be fanned out and/or made to rain. This is standard protocol.
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1:34 - 
[Something about being Van Gogh if Van Gogh smoked weed]
Another embarrassing mistake with the vehicle shot. We clearly see our cameraman's hand on the 'oh shit' handle.
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1:38 - 
Dude, you just got your own words wrong. We need to get out of this car. Go back to the shed. Or the the street. Things were going pretty well in the street.
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1:45 - 
"I'm like Jordan to the game but you can call me DB..."
Thank God, we're back on the street. And it appears that Datbull has carried on the recent tradition of Michigan State wide receiver commits, in that he (a) enjoys basketball, and (b) won't end up playing wide receiver at Michigan State.
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2:02 - 
Ja
They've finally let Jonah Hill out from behind the gate, which DAMNIT JONAH GET YOUR HAND OFF OF YOUR JUNK. We're filming a goddamn music video here. I mean...you know what? No. Get back behind your gate.
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2:08 - 
"...you can call me Datbull. Fo life. Fo fo life. Fo life. You know. You know."
The lyrics conclude. But there is still a full 1:18 left in the video. I'm not sure how we're gonna fill that time, but whatever. Once you’ve made your point, there’s really no point in continuing. And I think we’re all pretty clear about the message. Datbull. Fo Life.
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2:15 - 
Drugs are bad, mmmkay?
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2:22 - 
The group gathers once more under the pavilion. Jonah has been forced to stand to the side. This is for everyone's safety (see: 2:02).
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2:29 - 
We fade to black. There are still 57 seconds left in the video. It's clear now how we are going to fill the remaining time: by not.
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2:46 - 
And now we're completely dark. Do... do we leave now? I mean, there's still some sound, but it's like they forgot we were still here. Oh well, let's wait to see if there are some special features at the end, like Datbull and his friends eating shawarma.
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3:00 - 
Not looking promising.
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3:26 - 
Nope. Just a bold and unconventional artistic choice by the artist, as if to say, 'I don't need graphics or lyrics or sounds of any kind. I'm Datbull. Fo life. You know? You know."
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