attempted humor

Thank you all for meeting on short notice.

: Is everyone here? We have a lot of things to discuss, including some pretty big news. Also, is everyone alright if I take off the mask?

: Go for it Kevin. People know by now anyways.

: That feels so much better.

: All hail Fox. Glory to Fox.

: Sorry I'm late. Had a big interview with Fox to be their new lead anchor.

: My fist pumpeth for thee! Fox, ye told me not thou w'art raising Urban o' th' Grind?

: Uh, I didn't know that either. Who did you talk to?

: (whom).

: You know, Jason.

: Jason…Caneira? Not Eric or Mark?

: I'm bad with names. Eric Ormark sounds right.

: It would have been Eric Shanks.

: ..anks, yeah, that's the guy.

: I'm sorry, did you say Fox? I meant ABC.

He pieced it together on stage.

"Chillax," the swarthy little beast who described himself as an "intergalactic space badger" and managed to pronounce the air quotes in his name, sat in the front row. He uttered some words of encouragement. These were exactly the same words he'd heard in a similar context a long time ago on a bus trip that seemed to take months. Another life.

A key turned in his mind. The nagging familiarity of everything that had happened to him over the past month fell into place. "Chillax" was the goofy sidekick constantly getting himself and everyone he knew into trouble. By virtue of being British, Idris Elba was the philosopher of the group. Prince, naturally, was the ring leader and emcee. That made Matt LeBlanc the damaged but beautiful love interest?

[After THE JUMP: the reveal!]

Author’s note: This is a fictional attempt at humor, not an actual transcript of the Big Ten’s most recent online meeting. Only P.J. Fleck really did say all of these things. Previously.

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Anonymous has joined your meeting

#PANDEMIC OF CONFIDENCE #CoVidCanT! has joined your meeting

Scott Frost has joined your meeting

Brohm.0 has joined your meeting

Coach Mel Tucker||CUBuffs|| has joined your meeting

TuddiesU has joined your meeting

: Ski-U-Mah let’s WRECK this!

Lock Dog has joined your meeting

: FIRST!

Patrick W. Fitzgerald NU’97 has joined your meeting

LovieLovesHisLinebacking has joined your meeting

: I was the first to talk in this channel.

Urban_Legend has joined your meeting

Barry Alvarez AD has joined your meeting

ferentzk @ uiowa.edu has joined your meeting

Tom all in Allen erase Tom Allen write Tom Allen submit f**** has joined your meeting

ferentzk @ uiowa.edu has left your meeting

Scott Frost: Wazzzzzzzuuuup!

: I am PUMPED. We can do this together!

BriKelJoJaSteGoIowa! has joined your meeting

Kevin Warren: I think we’re just waiting on a couple people.

Jay Harbaugh has joined your meeting

: Now you just hold the phone and talk.

: How do I know if they can hear me?

: We can hear you.

: Can they hear me or am I muted?

: It’ll show you who’s talking, just talk. Got it?

: Okay okay. Who’s got it better than us?

: Just…do your meeting.

: WHO’S GOT IT BETTER THAN US, Jay?

: Hnnnnrrrrhh. Nobody.

: Good boy.

: Don’t touch anything else on my phone!

[After THE JUMP: A conspiracy].