100% complete insanity

I'm sorry to descend on you with this but this makes me utterly livid. They are the all-CCHA teams:

First Team 

Position        Name, Year, School      First   Totals
F - Reilly Smith (JR, Miami)               10      50
F -  Tyler Gron (SR, No. Michigan)         7       42
F -  T.J. Tynan (SO, Notre Dame)           5       40
D - Torey Krug (JR, Michigan State)        10      50
D - Chad Billins (SR,, Ferris State)       9       48
G - Taylor Nelson (SR, Ferris State)       6       34

Second Team

F- Justin Florek  (SR, No. Michigan)       4       34
F- Cody Kunyk (SO, Alaska)                 2       23
F- Jordie Johnston (SR, Ferris State)      3       22
D- Dan DeKeyser (SO, W. Michigan)          2       20
D- Matt Tennyson (JR, W.  Michigan)        --      20
G- Shawn Hunwick (SR, Michigan)            2       24

Hunwick got two first place votes at goalie and lost out to Taylor Nelson of Ferris State. In CCHA play Hunwick had a .937 save percentage to Nelson's .927, had a 1.93 GAA to Nelson's 2.08, and played about 430 additional minutes.

You know what they say about the Gong Show and the CCHA: one is an unfunny joke begging to be put out of its misery, and the other was a syndicated 1970s amateur night featuring absurd prizes. It's no wonder that the competent teams all fled as soon as they could find a way to.

With apologies to Black Heart Gold Pants. And all of you.

This space has remarked on how deeply uncomfortable linebackers coach Mark Smith appears in all photos before. In this he is the opposite of Tim Hardaway's photogenic appeal.

This here is a Mark Smith keeper from Michigan's latest trip to Colerain:

Unfrozen Caveman Position Coach is confused and frightened by this camera business

Colerain is LB commit Joe Bolden's school, FWIW. I like to think his recruitment went like this:

Ladies and gentlemen of the Bolden family, I'm just a caveman. I don't know much about this modern world of yours, but I do know how to hunt and eat wild game. As your position coach I will teach you to hunt and eat the king of game: man. Did you know man is the sweetest of all mea—

Well… what Mark's trying to say is that Michigan's unmatched tradition and the superior technique coaching you will receive make Ann Arbor the best place for you. He is not talking about killing and eating your opposition, except—and I want to make this explicitly clear—in a metaphorical sense.
I am 100% sincere about eating the still-beating hearts of opposing running backs.

Well… no, he's not. 

I'm in.

Together we will suck the marrow from the bones of the Midwest.
METAPHORICALLY FERGODSAKES

[two hours later, just outside of Dayton.]

I told you good cannibal-bad cannibal would work.
This modern contraption frightens and confuses me!
When we get to Wormley's house, I get to be the unfrozen caveman.
The sweetest of all meats. …

All meats.

Well… you're probably right. You've got that bit down. And that says something coming from me.

SCENE