This is the man I want as our next football coach:
Or maybe even this guy:
Now don't get me wrong, in no way am I advocating genocide, the atocities they caused, or the innocent people they killed. I'm just saying that I want the next head coach to be crazy. Like completely batshit crazy. I want a paranoid schizophrenic that thinks the alumni and fans are out to get them from day one. Because, simply put, for whoever coaches here that isn't named Jim Harbaugh, they will be. I want someone that has their finger on the button and doesn't give two shits what the rest of the world thinks, they'll start WWIII just for kicks. The uncertainty as to their next move will keep opponents afraid and on their heels, and we will move in and attack the jugular.
If that kind of crazy comes in the form of the Mad Hatter, grass eating, voodoo practicing Les Miles, so be it. Do what you have to do, and bring the witch doctor with you from the Bayou. But man that voodoo better be strong when he shows up in Ann Arbor. If it comes in the form of the Mad Scientist, lock players in dark enclosed spaces and lose your job Mike Leach, I'm fine with that too. If it comes in the form of practicing at unheard tempos to DJ'd music and other distractions so that you melt the brains of opposing teams come game time a'la Chip Kelly, even better.
I want someone who doesn't give a damn about the possibility of losing their job. I want someone who will pull out all the stops, throw in trick plays out to wazoo, like lining up offensive linemen as WR, fake punts, going for it on 4th and 3, statue of libery plays, and anything their wild minds can devise. I want someone with nothing to lose.
(Insert cheap cliche' line about dog in backed into corner being dangerous) I don't want that dog simply to be dangerous. I want that dog to be fucking rabid. I want to strike fear into the hearts of teams that oppose us. Uncertainty will be the weapon we use from here on out. Fear will keep the Big Ten in line, fear of our football program.
So according to a completely unfounded rumor on twitter Bob Stoops has been offered the Michigan job.
Arguably the most tradition-rich program in the nation, Michigan should leave no slippery rock unturned in its return to prosperity. It is for this reason that I choose to examine some of the lesser-known candidates. In addition, most people on this board are currently barking mad and could use a step back from the Heath Ledger. Without further ado, a list of unworthy candidates!
Experience: Offensive Coordinator Jets/Patriots, Notre Dame Head Coach, Your local buffet.
Pros: Weis would put Michigan on the map. Literally.
Cons: University is not big enough for both him and Barwis, but mostly him.
Interest: Rumors claim that his dream job is to consume a collegiate offensive line.
Little known fact: Once sued doctors who performed a gastric bypass on him and lost.
Outlook: Probably the best candidate on this list. Wow.
John L. Smith
Experience: Head Coach of Idaho, Utah State, Louisville, and Michigan State.
Pros: His special teams unit at Arkansas came close to icing a game against Ohio State.
Cons: Known for giving away games against Ohio State.
Interest: Telling people to "snap out of it"
Little Known Fact: Climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and ran with the bulls.
Outlook: Would likely continue current status of the program. Seasons would begin on high notes and end with suicide notes. Hopefully that would represent a decline, but I don't know anymore.
Experience: Attained "tenure" as Head Coach of Penn State
Pros: Big name, iconic coach who has a proven track record of occasional success.
Cons: The shock of receiving the offer and the ferocity of the response will definitely kill him.
Interest: Calling recruits to inform them that he is still alive.
Little Known Fact: Died three years ago.
Outlook: Poor. Paterno is likely to have trouble noticing that Denard Robinson exists, considering the speed of his movement. On a positive note, he would (in this hypothetical situation) deny his request for transfer.
Experience: Midwest connections, Predicting Les Miles to Michigan
Pros: Would finally have inside information on Michigan's next coach
Cons: Would probably still announce Miles to Michigan
Interest: Ohio State, eating Musburgers, secret Les Miles infatuation.
Little Known Fact: Aspires to have the hair of GERG
Outlook: Destined to become the Lou Holtz circa ESPN of Michigan. Will predict Michigan to win twenty national titles in sixteen years, or some shit.
Experience: Great hair and hides a gut like a true professional.
Pros: A Michigan man of the coaching pedigree of Rodriguez
Cons: Likely costed Rodriguez a job and fueled the fire of this coaching change chaos
Interest: Collecting tears of distraught Michigan fans
Outlook: Robinson just can't be as bad as he was at Michigan. Was it the result of being underpaid? Was it the schematic conflict with Rich? He sure does look good though. Should make silver fox cubs with Anderson Cooper.
We have come to the winter of our discontent. We are headless as a program, in shambles by means of personnel, and facing a mass recruiting exodus the likes of which haven't been seen before, and looking a decade of straight losses to those-who-must-not-be-named to the south.
Alas, yet we are Michigan. We survived The Horror to defeat the defending National Champions and their golden boy Heisman trophy winner. We overcame a 19 point deficit at halftime to then-ranked number 9 Wisconsin to emerge victorious in the 500th game in the Big House. We retained the Brown Jug. We are Michigan, and we will rise once again. The only ones who can defeat us is ourselves. Perhaps a scene from one of the greatest movies of all time says it best:
"What, over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"
"Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"
-"Germans?" -"Forget it he's rolling"
"And it ain't over now!"
'Cause when the going gets tough...
(Patriotic instrumental music)
the tough get going! Who's with me?
Let's go! Come on!
(Tense instrumental music)
What the fuck happened to the Michigan l used to know?
Where's the spirit?
Where's the guts?
This could be the greatest night of our lives...
but you're gonna let it be the worst.
"We're afraid to go with you, DB. We might get in trouble."
(Shouting) Just kiss my ass from now on.
Not me! l won't take this! Tressel is a dead man!
-Dantonio: dead! Paterno---Dead.
DB's right. Psychotic...but absolutely right.
We got to take these bastards.
We could fight them with conventional weapons.
That could take years...cost millions of lives.
In this case...
I think we have to go all out.
I think this situation absolutely requires...
a really futile and stupid gesture...
be done on somebody's part.
We're just the guys to do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do it!
Go! Go! Go!
We all need to run screaming out of that house, build our death machine behind whoever steps up to lead this really futile and stupid gesture, and take the fight back to the field. We are Michigan. HAIL
Damian Shepard, who apparently is a sports marketing guy (and a former Auburn mascot?) tweeted this:
Over the past week, I have spoken with a bunch of friends - most avid college football nuts like myself. One thing that has surprised me is that as a group, most view the Michigan job as far less desirable than I would have imagined.
Friend 1: Nebraska fan - "Why would PEline ever leave Neb. for M? Equal prestige, Nebraska a farther along in the rebuild and we don't have an insane fan base that will throw him out after 2-3 years."
Friend 2: PSU Fan - "I don't see you guys getting any top coach, other than Miles. Your program is a mess, and in recent years, you have no more prestige than any of the programs you would poach from. The Michigan job is not such a hot job these days."
Friend 3: Wisconsin Fan - still thinks that our job is a big deal and that we can attach, but "your disloyal fanbase is a problem - you have pretty much run two straight coaches out of town." (not correct about Lloyd, but many outsiders do view his retirement as avoiding firing)
Friend 4: No team, CFB nut - "You guys are no different than ND - aside from 1 or 2 good seasons, you have been irrelevant since your split NC. Why would a top coach come to M? Gruden is not coming - he loves being on ESPN. Miles is going to play you guys for even more SEC $$. Harbaugh is going to bold for the NFL (a few days before it happened). YOu will probably end up with that Hoke guy from San Diago."
The quotes are not exact, but are pretty damn close. Depressing.
Also, the general opinion was that our AD is a job and has screwed this up as badly as possible.
On a positive note, my ND friend is scared of us getting Miles because he thinks tat Miles can out-recruit anybody.