Brian Meets Al Borges
(A satirical comedy by: maizenblue92)
(Brian upon having a scheduled meeting with Michigan OC Al Borges wanders down the halls of Schembechler Hall until he sees the name placard with the information he is looking for. Brian enters a room with only three lights overhead creating a well-lit center of the room and shadowed corners. There is only a white board on otherwise plain walls. Al Borges sits alone on one of two bean bag chairs in the room, sipping on a Zima, and facing the doorway. Two large guards stand in each corner behind the bean bag chair designated for Brain.)
Guard One: Borges, your guest has arrived.
(Borges speaks in an agitated, yet methodical and confident tone. Kind of like the villain in any given movie)
Borges: Ah, yes the man who keeps sending people to ask me about bubble screens at pressers.
(looking around at the office, taken aghast)
Brian: Wow! This was not what I was expecting.
Borges: Welcome Brian, I have been expecting you. Please have a seat.
(gesturing toward the bean bag chair)
Brian: Yeah, you should have been expecting me; I set up a meeting with you like two weeks ago. Do I have to sit on one of those to? Do you have anything else to sit on?
Borges: No, now please take a seat so we can talk.
(the two guards each put a hand on Brian’s shoulders forcing him into the bean bag chair)
Are you thirsty Brian? Would like a Zima to quench your thirst?
(Borges gestures a bottle toward him)
Brian: No thanks. Wait, did you say Zima?! No one has had one of those since, like, 1995. And no one with taste buds has ever had one. And do we really have to have these two guards here? They don’t really seem necessary.
Borges: The Zima is non-negotiable and yes, the guards are necessary. In case you haven’t heard, I am not a very popular man at the moment in Ann Arbor and I think it best I don’t take chances right now.
(muffled so Borges doesn’t hear, but so he kind of does)
Brian: Sounds like your offensive game plan.
Borges: What was that?
Borges: So, Brian, what would like to talk about?
Brian: Let’s start with the obvious. Why don’t you like bubble screens?
Borges: Ah geez, not this shit again. We just don’t run that play.
Brian: But why? It gets the extra man out of the box. It is easy yards most of the time. And they keep hits off of your QB. And don’t try to give me some sorry excuse that they don’t belong in a pro-style offense. Every goddamn NFL has them!
(Borges says this with a completely straight face and takes a sip of Zima)
Borges: You want to know the real reason? Every time a bubble screen is run Santa gets a titty-twister. And I will not aid in Santa’s torture.
(Brian facial expression is one of disbelief and shock)
Brian: What are you talking about! You can’t possibly be serious! You are fucking with me right? This is a joke, right?
Borges: ‘Fraid not. That is what I believe. That and running into 9-man boxes.
Brian: But…that doesn’t make…any sense.
Borges: Still probably the best reason you have heard for an OC not running bubble screens in today’s college football.
Brian: Actually…yeah…it is. Probably because there is not a logical reason not to.
Borges: Can we move on?
Brian: Fine. What is up with the 2-man routes with max protect and play action?
Borges: Well you see, with the respect our run game deserves opponents have no choice but to bite on play action. They never see it coming.
(Brian is becoming very irritated)
Brian: Are you serious? Not one thing you just said is true.
Borges: How so?
Brian: One, our run game is terrible. Old nuns with osteoporosis could stop. Two, no one has bitten on it yet because, three, all of your plays are tipped. Quite badly tipped. There are 6-year-olds calling out the play before it happens. That is not a joke, that is actually happening.
Borges: That is why I put in that veer thing that no one ever sees co-
Brian: I am going to cut you off right there. When you run veer, it is so obvious that teams are blitzing two guys into the exact hole. Another thing, why do you keep running such deep routes when we can’t block anybody? Devin Gardner is getting killed out there!
Borges: We just need to go out and execute better. We have a solid game plan. Just need to execute.
Brian: Oh no. You are not getting away with that Hoke press conference, cookie-cutter crap answer. You did not and have addressed a single point I have made.
Borges: What about the Santa answer?
Brian: Forget about fucking Santa!
Borges: Looks like someone is not getting presents this year.
(Brian fights with all of his might to restrain himself from doing something stupid)
Brian: I mean an answer that makes sense!
Borges: You haven’t had any of your Zima.
Brian: Because I don’t want a goddamn Zima! I want real answers!
(Both individuals are becoming more adversarial)
Borges: Fine, if you are so critical of my offensive game plan. Nay, genius! What do suggest I do?
Brian: Well, you have an O-line that can’t protect very long, a mostly accurate QB, and pretty good weapons on the outside. So, a quick, no huddle passing spread. It hides your flaws and accentuates your strengths.
Borges: Why the fuck would I run a communist system like that?
Brian: Because when you fall behind and go to it to get back in the game the offense has been pretty successful with it. You had your deepest drive of the game against MSU with it. It worked on Nebraska and you used some of those elements well against Notre Dame.
Borges: Eh, no.
Brian: What? Why?
Borges: Because it is important to establish a downhill run game and establish the line of scrimmage. Because that is how we play at Michigan!
(Borges is becoming defiant in his defense of MANBALL!!!)
Brian: But you don’t have the people to do that! You can’t block! You are running the ball with 7 blockers and 9 defenders.
Borges: Eventually…we will run through it. And break a long one. Then play action will work.
(an angry tone shifts to one that is almost pleading by the end of the statement)
Brian: Ahhh! Listen here you little fat man! It is getting to a point where I have to root for Michigan, my alma mater, to fall behind in games. Why? Because when they do fall behind you have no choice but to abandon your futile run game. And call nothing but passes. Not just passes, but short passes on every down and it works. And why can’t we do that every drive? Pass on almost every down.
Borges: Because then we would be predictable.
Brian: GGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I’ll kill you!
(Brian loses control and lunges at Borges. This knocks over his untouched Zima, spilling it all over the floor. No sooner than Brian gets out of his chair do the guards in the office grab him and throw him back onto his beanbag chair. They continue to hold him there for a few moments until he has calmed down.)
(Brian now sits there bleary-eyed and disoriented from rage.)
Borges: Alright, let’s wrap this up, there is a Golden Girls marathon on in 15. Anything else you want to talk about?
(Brian’s voice and facial expressions are completely devoid of any emotion)
Brian: No. No. ‘Cause if I keep talking…to you…I will probably try and finish the job.
Borges: Alright I gotta go prepare for…uh…ah shit who is it again? Eaaa-? Weee-? Nooorr-?
(Brian answers in a whisper as he slowly stands and heads for the door; not sure this is even still reality)
Borges: That’s who it is, thank you. Well, see you around Brian. Good talk. Oh, actually, one more thing Brian.
(asking out of morbid curiousity)
Borges: Would like a Zima for the road?
Brian: (muffled grumble sounds)
(Brian also lets out an anger twitch at the request. Followed by him slowly turning and heading down the hall)
Borges: Nice guy.
(from down the hall)
Brian: Your beer is shit!
*Some of the formating got messed up copying this over so bear with me if there was some difficulty reading it properly.
It’s been over a day now and I’m still really freaking out about Michigan’s WR situation since Darboh went down. I mean, I can’t even get any work done anymore. How has Michigan been so unlucky this offseason with injuries, position switches, everything? I mean, the coaches are still switching people’s positions two weeks before the season! Gah! Anyway, I’ve looked over the WR core again and again on mgoblue and I just didn’t see anyone that could be that big bodied WR like Darboh could. I mean, I know Darboh probably wasn’t going to be Braylon this year, but he was primed to help take Michigan’s passing attack to the next level.
But then I got to looking, and I couldn’t believe no one had brought it up yet. Scanning over the entire rosters, there is one person that can be a similar, probably even better WR than Darboh would have been this year: Devin Gardner. Gardner showed great flashes of being a capable WR in high school and early last season. That sort of playmaker would garner huge success for this offense IMO. The obvious solution is to put DG at WR.
Why not just throw Morris into the fire. Morris has a high ceiling and a really strong arm. He’s a lot like a freshman level Chad Henne. It worked great back then with him and Braylon, and I’d expect similar results this time around. Morris to Gardner, I think that’s the answer. So, fellow MGoBloggers and Michigan football crazies, what do you think of moving DG back to WR and throwing Morris into the fire?
Sports Pickle is a sports satire site that recently posted a piece about the recent arrests at Ohio. Short, but funny.
(If someone with better computer skills than I wants to blockquote the whole thing feel free)
Okay, this is kind of crazy and nutty, but I thought at least some of you might enjoy this college football riff on Les Miz.
Mod edit: Added to the title to head off some of the same comments we got in the last thread with a similar title. JGB.
Edit II: Woah, completely missed the joke in there. Sorry.
[Comrades / Friends of the Revolution / Proletariat brothers],
[money stained hands of capitalism / cowardly bourgeosie / makers of substandard Vodka]
[false campaign of imperialist propaganda / corrupt hearts / capitalist lapdogs]
[quell our revolution / overtake the people’s hearts / drink all of our Vodka] !!
Insert picture of [Rodriguez as Stalin / Barwis as Mao / Will Campbell with a non-Thor people’s hammer / Randall from Clerks wearing a CCCP hockey jersey]
Rumors of the previous year’s
[less than adequate performance / minor setback on the road to true communism / failure of the new regime]
Have been spread by
[enemies of the revolution / shameless bourgeosie / misinformed unicorns].
Take heart!! These liars and thieves will be sent to
[Siberia / the darkest Gulag / East Lansing],
And their ramblings will be proven wrong! For next season our
[people’s army / revolutionary zealots / glorious proletariat]
[purge the capitalist insurgents / sympathize with the people / fix a random number of tractors / increase production at the exclamation point factory !!!!!!!]
[proving the worth of the revolution / sucking out the festering rot in their souls / winning more games for the motherland].
Unicorns rule! Far more than [insert your favorite mythical creature]
[Comrades / Brothers / Friends of the revolution],
Comrade Rodriguez will rise up
[from the muck of the Russian Steppe / to heights undreamt of by the shameless capitalists / like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV]
And conquer all!
[Viva le revolucion! / Death to dirty capitalists / Drink Wolverine brand vodka!]
Lather, rinse, repeat.