don't we all
This is the 2nd half diary, in the normal style.
5:29 – Bret Bielema is wearing sunglasses that make him look like a chubby Agent Smith from The Matrix.
5:30 – Kickoff to Odoms, who has a nice little runback. For the record, I would sell Cat32 for a win. Actually for a touchdown. Who am I kidding, I’d sell her for a first down. Any takers?
5:31 – Carlos Brown apparently wants Cat32. The crowd, tiring of boos, openly mocks the offense by applauding the first down. For some reason, this irks me more than the booing. It’s not like they’re dogging it folks.
5:36 – The drive breaks down and we punt. Wisconsin has bad field position for once, here’s hoping the D can get the offense in scoring position. I don’t have anything funny to say here, we need a miracle.
5:48 – Wisky picks up a couple of first downs, but the defense continues to do a good job overall. Bret, you keep calling ISO plays. I don’t think that play does what you think it does. Wisky punts for a touchback.
5:55 – Greg Matthews snags a couple passes, showing some life in the offense. Then on 4th and 1, Kevin “short yardage” Grady comes into the game and does what he does. (No, it did not involve a breathalyzer.) Am I the only one who notices that he turns around a lot toward the end of his runs?
5:58 – Touchdown Michigan! Threet to Koger. Rodriguez is shown on the sideline asking Calvin Magee what the hell a “tight end” is, anyway. I breathe out a huge sigh of relief and marvel at the 80-yard drive. Cat32 was pawing at the offense’s dead corpse, and jumped straight up when it twitched.
6:00 – I tell the cat that UFR will show something changed in the offensive line, because it looked like a switch had been flipped. Quick math shows we’re only two scores down, and I did that without benefit of a calculator. C’mon D! Get us good field position.
6:04 – The defense forces a 3 & out on a great 3rd down effort, with Evridge recovering his own fumble about 10 yards behind the line. Bielema suddenly looks like he’s thinking “Me no like Blue. Dis not plan.”
6:07 – 3 & out Michigan. Bret: “Dis plan.” I’m trying to muster some serious dislike for Wisconsin, but I just can’t. It’s Wisconsin, and even in this game they just happened to be standing around when we turned it over 5 times. How pissed can you really get at people who wear cheese on their heads, by choice? They know it looks silly and do it anyway, while happily snacking on heart-attack food. Guess I’ll have to hit a game at Camp Randall to make it personal.
6:16 – The defense forces another 3 & out. Have I mentioned how badass they’ve played today? I’d like to nominate the entire D-line for that GM scholarship thing. I don’t even have a joke here, I’m gaining hope for the rest of the season. On the down side, we have the ball in terrible field position yet again, our own 15.
6:23 – On 3rd & 15 Michigan, Wisconsin makes the most boneheaded play of the entire fall and rough the passer. Interestingly, the penalty was so dumb the ref announced it as “Sarah Palining”. Thanks Badgers, you’re on the Christmas card list now.
6:24 – Martavious Odoms catches a pass, and I find myself holding my breath every time he touches the ball waiting for him to do something spectacular. He’s like Steve Breaston in that respect. Even Cat32 finds nothing to disapprove of. We’re at midfield.
6:26 – And just like that, Brandon Minor has a long run for a TD! After the worst offensive half since probably OSU 2001, we’re only a score away with over 10 minutes on the clock! What has two thumbs and is really happy? <<points to self with thumbs>> This guy.
6:28 – OMFG we have the lead! I see a +4 in Thompson’s future. Defensive players were in a pack hitting anything in white rumbling into the endzone. Wisky looks like a deflated balloon. Also on the play, Ezeh was blocked in to Bret Bielema, severing his knee. OK, I made that up, but that would’ve made this the greatest play ever, no?
6:29 – Let’s just recap the last 7 minutes of game time. First, an offense with more plays than yards in the first half takes off the Clark Kent outfit and puts together 2 80+ yard drives. Everyone stayed mentally into the game, kept fighting. The defense stayed hot, and then delivered the play of the game. And. Michigan. Leads. Whatever ends up happening, let’s all admit that’s a good 7 minutes.
6:30 – Michigan doesn’t convert a 2-point attempt. I’m normally not a fan of going for 2 until there’s less than 5 minutes left in a game. If this is one of the trade-offs for the new coaching staff, I guess I’ll shrug and accept it. Hell, it might even be the right thing to do.
6:38 – I should just put this on a hotkey: “The Michigan defense forces a 3 & out.” This one was really close, but there’s the punter.
6:42 – Threet just rushed for 58 yards. I am officially hoarse. I am also going to stock up on canned food, just in case that was one of the seven signs. Seriously, the Wisky DB’s were catching up, but *slowly*. His acceleration might be on the lower end of the scale, but give him a few seconds to achieve top speed and you’ve got a big play. Wow.
6:46 – McGuffie scores, 27-19 Michigan. 27 straight points. The Threet run is a nice echo to another big comeback, the 2003 Minnesota game where Navarre rumbled for a long TD on the throwback. Let’s hope this one has a happy ending as well, which with an 8-point lead and the defense playing pretty saucy, I’m feeling good about things.
6:53 – Wisconsin builds a long drive where they look as good as they have all game. Then Evridge fumbles, and it’s recovered by Taylor. Evridge is actually lucky he fumbled, because if Wisconsin scored Cat32 was going to eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
7:02 – OK, we run 3 straight times and punt, leaving Wisky 1:42. I want to say “that was nice of RR to let Lloyd call a drive” but I probably would’ve done the same thing.
7:08 – Wisky scores. Cat32 added fava beans to the grocery list. When we needed to really get pressure on the QB, we only rush 3-4. Can’t wait for the UFR on this one, seems like we changed what we were doing more than Wisky did anything different. This drive and the last that ended with a fumble gave me déjà vu for the 2006 ND drive to end the 1st half. The game comes down to one play.
7:10 – Obviously I’m delighted that Wisky didn’t line up right the first time and missed the 2nd attempt on the 2-pt conversion, but I think we’d have beaten them in OT anyway. Easy to say now, but I really believe the D would’ve changed things up in OT.
7:11 – This is one of the greatest games, especially the 2nd half, I can remember watching. The highs and the lows were gigantic. My guess is it’ll be on Rich Rodriguez’s Top Ten wins list for his whole Michigan career.
7:12 – Thanks for the memory gentlemen, and I, for one, loved the heart and toughness showed in not folding.
Note – The first half nearly broke me. I was in the fetal position for most of it, with visions of 3-9 haunting my every thought. Needless to say, Cat32 disapproved of everything that happened in a massive, epic way. But the second half was so redeeming, and they showed so much heart and resilience that I just can’t bring myself to adequately describe the suckitude of the first half in my own words. It would just be something pathetic, like “well that sucked.”
Therefore reader, you get two diaries… Since the first half was basically a Shakespearian tragedy, this first half diary is done with occasionally edited Shakespeare quotes. You’re a smart audience and can handle it, I think. The second, wonderful, glorious half will be done later in the week in the normal style.
· 3:30 – Game is about to start. “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. Each have their entrances and exits, and each in his time plays many parts.”
· 3:35 – Kickoff. “Cry Havoc! And let slip the dogs of war.”
· 3:36 – The dogs of war allow a 55 yard kickoff return by Wisky. “Oh, that way madness lies. Let me shun that.”
· 3:41 – Wisky misses a FG. “Blow, blow, thou winter wind. Thou art not so unkind, when you push Welch’s 34 yard attempt wide left.”
· 3:45 – Threet fumbles. Wisky ball. “O, woe is me, to have seen what I have seen, see what I see.”
· 3:53 – Wisky kicks a field goal. Good job to hold ‘em D. Some advice Badgerfan: “Glory is like a circle in the water, which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, till by broad spreading it disperses to naught.”
· 4:02 – On a five play Michigan drive, three plays lose yards and one is an incomplete pass. “Something is rotten in the state of Michigan.”
· 4:11 – The defense does a great job stuffing Wisky on 3rd and 1. Then Thompson gifts them a 1st down by jumping egregiously offsides on the punt fake. “Off with his head!” (Cat32 picked that one out.) “Every man has his fault, and punctuality is his.” (Mine.)
· 4:18 – The defense recovers nicely, and forces a Wisky field goal. 6-0 WI. “Now is the winter of our discontent.”
· 4:23 – Michigan does a fairly ugly 3 & out. “Be great in act, as you have been in thought.” End of quarter. How does Threet look to this point? “I am not bound to please thee with my answers.” OK, but how would Sheridan have looked? “I dote on his very absence.”
· 4:28 – We punt, then Evridge’s first pass is intercepted by Charles Stewart! Hey Evridge: “Tremble thou wretch! Thou hast within thee undivulged crimes, unwhipp’d of justice!”
· 4:34 – And we take good field position for the first time all game and promptly go 3 & out. “We do not keep the outward form of order, where there is deep disorder in the mind.”
· 4:35 – “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Nothing football here, just good advice.
· 4:39 – Wisky does some good things, has a nice big pass play, but then Evridge takes far too long to throw on 3rd and 5. “I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.” Mouton causes a fumble, recovered by Michigan. The Michigan defense did come to play today. “Thou art all the comfort the Gods will diet me with.”
· 4:40 – 4:45 – Threet fumbles on first down, Michigan recovers. “Assume a virtue if you have it not.” McGuffie has his perhaps only productive play of the first half, not that the offensive line was helping him. “Be not afraid of greatness. Some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some men have greatness thrust upon them.” A punt from Zoltan.
· 4:49 – The defense rises up yet again, and forces a Wisky punt deep in their own end of the field. “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.” Then Greg Matthews fumbles the punt. “O, my offence is rank, it smells to heaven; it hath the primal eldest curse upon ’t, another fumble.”
· 4:50 – A brief, non-Shakespearian message from Cat32: HOLD ON TO THE #$@%!! BALL ALREADY.
· 5:04 – (I paused the game here for a few minutes to collect myself.) Wisky has a long run down to the Michigan 5 yard line. “True is it that we have seen better days.”
· 5:05 – Wisky punches it in for a touchdown. “How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man’s eyes.” 13-0 Wisconsin. Bonus coverage: “Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble.”
· 5:08 – Mike Hart is interviewed by the sideline reporter. The ABC cameraman does a good job correctly framing his halo. He says, and I quote, “This Michigan never did, nor never shall, lie at the proud foot of a conqueror.”
· 5:09 – We fumble the kickoff. I’m not even making this up. 2 quotes, mine first then Cat32’s: “If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.” Cat32’s: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
· 5:13 – Wisky kicks a field goal. 16-0 WI. They show Rodriguez scowling. “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.”
· 5:16 – ABC points out that 45% of Michigan’s offensive plays this season have gone for zero or negative yardage. “I pray thee cease thy council, which falls into mine ears as profitless as water in a sieve.”
· 5:18 – The defense forces another 3& out. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, and close the wall up with our Wolverine defense.”
· 5:22 – Threet throws an interception. “When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions.” The crowd is booing fairly loudly. To the crowd I say, “A wretched soul, bruised with adversity, we bid be quiet when we hear it cry.”
· 5:27 – Wisky kicks yet another field goal. 19-0 Wisky. They show Rodriguez again. Two quotes are appropriate: “A first down! A first down! My kingdom for a first down!” and “Come not within the measure of my wrath.”
· 5:32 – Threet caps the half off with another interception, thrown with 10 seconds on the clock. “The attempt, and not the deed, confounds us.”
· 5:33 – Wisconsin quote: “They have been at a great feast of turnovers, and stolen the scraps.”
· 5:33 – Halftime. What to say about that? “This half’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his half-hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
If M Played West Virginia on Saturday
Note – Since Michigan had a bye and West Virginia lost to Colorado on Thursday night, I thought I’d do a running diary for an imaginary game against the two on Saturday with M playing the part of Colorado. M hosts so I don’t have to make up an entry on how the coaching staff was “shot up like a varmint!”
3:25 – We’re here LIVE! at the Wolvrine32 entertainment industrial complex. Diet coke is in place, hastily made shrine to Stephen Threet is in place, the cat is curiously absent. I’m wearing a #3 jersey, which used to be Marlin Jackson when originally purchased, was Kevin Grady for a brief time, and is now Stevie Brown. Hmmm, the Diet Coke is tasting a little flatter after typing that.
3:31 – Did you know that Rich Rodriguez came to coach here from West Virginia? No way! I only needed ABC to tell me that 5 billion times before it sunk in. On a lighter note, the pan shot of the visiting West Virginia crowd had three Rich Rodriguez dolls hanging in effigy. The Vegas over/under on RR dolls having something done to them in effigy was eight, so we’ll keep our eyes peeled.
3:36 – Erin Andrews just asked Bill Stewart what it would be like to coach against his former boss. “I really wish he’d gone to coach Temple, Erin.” Then he gave her a giant bear-hug. Tarnation!
3:43 – Kickoff. Pat McAfee kicks off to Boubacar Cissoko and my spell checker just lit up like a Christmas tree. M ball on the 17.
3:44 – The Carson Butler Memorial False Start Penalty (and my string of profanities) attracts the cat, who looks on Carson with disapproval. How can you false start when even the defense knows Michigan doesn’t hike until after “getting the clap?” Hee-hee, getting the clap.
3:49 – Major 3rd down pickup by Threet and Hemingway, 23 yards. Threet and Hemingway sounds like a trendy clothing store. RR is still abusing Butler on the bench, state services might be getting involved soon.
3:52 – TD Michigan! Threet and Hemingway again, 38 yard TD pass. Disturbing lack of rushing on this drive, but I’ll take it. Threet looked like a genuine Div-IA QB on this drive, and didn’t fumble which is key.
3:53 – Barwis ran across the field and stared down Coach Stew into the fetal position. It only took .6 seconds. Ewww, he just wet his Depends, then he found the 4th string cornerback and gave him an uncomfortable to watch man-hug. This game is messing with Coach Stew. Of course, all games mess with Coach Stew.
3:59 – Fumble Starks, recovered by Thompson! Michigan is in business on the WFV 28. RR looks so happy, he’s like Joe Biden being told he actually gets to debate Sarah Palin.
4:03 – TD Mich! 14-0. I’m light-headed from the giddiness. Also, WFV had to call a timeout on the extra point because they had *13* guys on the field. Insert “ha-ha WFV can’t count” joke here. Even RR was a little embarrassed for Coach Stew.
4:05 – Pat White assumes control of the team and pronounces himself player-coach. Uncomfortable-to-watch bear/man hugs all around. He then rushes for 44 yards to the Michigan 9. What happened to him throwing more?
4:15 – Pat White rushes for a TD. 14-7, M. I want to be upset, but I keep picturing someone like him in Michigan’s offense in 2 years, and the little thought bubbles over my head have lots of !!!’s.
4:19 – Know what a West Virginian says before he dies? “Hold my beer and check this out.” (Yes, I used this in another diary but it’s still really funny.)
4:21 – 5:00. Nothing interesting happens. Nothing. Well, except Warren actually calls for a fair catch, McGuffie picks up some yards, some WVF guy named “Tito” gets a couple penalties, and Sheridan came in for a series to throw a pick so ugly it made plants die. Nick Sheridan, I banish you. You are banished. Halftime.
5:01 – <<roll scary music>> “Lloyd Carr never used the spread offense. His entire tenure was really Bo Shembechler’s third term. With Lloyd Carr, you’ll get more ‘three yards and a cloud of dust.’ And I hope you like cronyism.” <<happy music!>> “Rich Rodriguez knows how to run a spread offense, and will bring much needed Change to Ann Arbor! He will restore our image in the college football world, and fix what’s wrong with our program. I’m Rich Rodriguez, and I approved this message.”
5:02 – I nominate the Big Ten network’s creepy coaches recruiting you ad as the creepiest piece of work ever. The more I watch it, the more I get the willies. And creepiest performance ever goes to Joe Paterno’s constipated “come to Penn State!” It’s so over-the-top it’s an otherworldly form of creepy. Just buries the needle on the creep-o-meter. Creepy.
5:13 – <<roll scary music>> “Rich Rodriguez is The One? The one with a risky spread offense, maybe. He has only recruited three 4-star athletes in his brief time as a major college head coach, and had a messy divorce from his last position. Even the WFV governor says he ‘wouldn’t be asked back, ever.” <<happy music!>> “Lloyd Carr has the experience, winning a National Championship and five Big Ten titles! His experience, and plan to put Michigan First, will keep Wolverine football on solid footing throughout the college football world. I’m Lloyd Carr and I hate Jim Brandstatter.”
5:16 – Erin Andrews uncovered RR’s notes on what would lead to Nick Sheridan playing in the 2nd half. They are “Threet dead, Threet decapitated, Threet spontaneously combusts”… and that one was scratched off.
5:18 – Does anyone else find the name “Flomax” funny? If that’s the way all drugs were named, do the math and come up with what “Viagra” should be called.
5:20 – Kickoff. It’s returned to the 20, and the Michigan D gives us a three & out. Looks like the cheat sheet provided to Scott Shafer is working like a charm.
5:25 – We see WFV’s three & out and raise them. Ugh, that was some bad offense. My notes for the drive, with apologies to Dr. Seuss: Stink / stank / stunk / punt. Did WFV adjust to us? Is that even possible for them?
5:26 – After a brief discussion with Cat32, we decide we want more Martavious Odoms. Something good almost always comes from him touching the ball. Oh, and we want less fumbles and more Friskies. (Cat32 has a bit of a weight problem.)
5:32 – WFV counters with a four & out. A nice run to start by Noel Divine, but the beer truck was pulled over on the interstate by Officer Ezeh.
5:35 – Erin Andrews interviews the president of West Virginia wandering the stands looking for another nice old man to give millions of dollars too. (Want another eerie parallel for Bobby Williams and Coach Stew? Bobby Williams beat The Old Ball Coach himself in a bowl game, just like Coach Stew beat Bob Stoops. Kind of an oddball highlight of career / lowlight of career situation revisited, eh?)
5:40 – John McCain declared that our offense is fundamentally sound, right before Molk’s fanny tried to take the handoff.
5:48 – White rushes for 39 yards and a TD. Tied up. This sucks worse than losing to a really fat arrogant guy and a QB with girlie hair. OK, not really. Also, Pat White looks like the Tasmanian Devil Tornado when he runs. I really want someone like him now please.
5:50 – Somehow the WFV fans snuck a couch into the Big House and set it on fire. In a touching display, the RR dolls are being thrown into the fire. When I think West Virginia, I think rafting, and then drinking. But after that I think class.
5:55 – 6:37 – Nothing happens again. I mean, really really nothing. No turnovers, nothing interesting of any kind. It’s like watching the Ohio State offense. (McGuffie was used extensively here, and has 160 yards rushing on the day. That snuck up on me. He’s been solid in this game when called upon.)
6:42 – Coach Stew mangles the clock, then he wastes about 30 seconds debating with himself how to continue destroying the clock, then he brings in Donovan McNabb as a consultant on clock management and 2-minute drills, Donovan vomits, then he hires Bob Davie to run things. Strangely none of this works well and WFV doesn't score at the end of the game.
6:49 – We’re headed to overtime! Someone told Coach Stew he still has a chance to win, and he looks happy. Kinda like he just made a poopie. With what I just witnessed from our offense, I don’t feel good about OT. Then again, M is undefeated in OT…
6:53 – WFV forgets how to pass, rushing exclusively down to the Michigan 4 yard line. They attempt a field goal, essentially an extra point, and MISS!! The lack of uncomfortable to watch bear/man hugging for kicker McAfee is staggering right now in it’s breadth and epic nature. I mean, NOBODY is doing any hugging of any kind.
6:58 – Put in field goal position by the rules, we rush a couple times and kick a field goal. Ballgame! Incompetence is defeated! Lopata is a mini-god! Sad Mountaineer fans are rushing to their dial-up internet connections! Michigan has a better record than WFV! Dogs and cats, living together, mass hysteria!!
7:00 – I realize that this game didn’t really happen, and that I didn’t feature Cat32 nearly enough. Sigh. But on the bright side, Michigan State just beat the stuffing out of Notre Dame.
Note – I am blatantly ripping off The Sports Guy. I don’t feel bad about this for a couple of reasons, the first and most important is that I’m unpaid. Secondly, he doesn’t cover college sports. Lastly, his teams are winning everything lately, and mine just lost. So screw him and I hope this takes some of the edge off.
Post is rated PG-13 for some offensive language.
3:25 – We’re here LIVE! at the Wolvrine32 basement entertainment industrial complex. Diet coke is in place, remote is set up to flip and pause/rewind appropriately, hopefully lucky jersey is on and lucky.
- 3:27 – The cat is looking at me with disapproval. I’m strongly considering a little cat ritual sacrifice to the football gods. Couldn’t hurt.
- 3:28 – Someone tell John Saunders that Michigan has played many, many other games than Appalachian State. Also, Craig James picks USC/OSU in the title game, and also takes Obama in November and Germany over Poland in WWII.
- 3:32 – If the first play of the Rodriguez era is zone left, I’m sending him a photocopy of my butt.
- 3:37 – A quick pan of the cheerleaders reveals the one hot cheerleader is gone, and apparently not replaced. We’re changing so much, can’t we change *that* tradition?
- 3:42 – We do not run zone left, and Rodriguez is spared the photocopy. However, we do not gain squat and punt.
- 3:43 – We recover the fumble on the punt! Brigham Young just rolled his eyes in the grave. Hee hee.
- 3:47 – Touchdown Michigan! Shaw from Sheridan, first TD of the RichRod era. The cat didn’t like my celebration lap around the basement. I point out there are a lot of Chinese restaurants around here, and she should keep quiet.
- 3:48 – I’m sorry, I drifted off there into daydreaming about Nick Sheridan’s Heisman trophy acceptance speech. Let’s listen in:
“Thank you Heisman voters for recognizing my contributions to the Michigan football team. Thank you Coach Rod for giving me the chance to start. And a very special thank you to Wolvrine32 for wearing the lucky home jersey, instead of the unlucky road jersey. That was key for me during the Utah game, where this crazy journey began. Oh, and eat it Tim Tebow.”
I’m choked up right now. Cat32 is licking herself.
- 3:56 – Huge Utah pass play. I dare you to use “Stevie Brown” in a sentence without the word “clusterfuck.” (See? I couldn’t.) He was flat-footed on coverage. The cat is looking at Mr. Brown’s clusterfuck with disapproval.
- 3:57 – TD Utah, but Mike Barwis scores a point as a 30 lbs. lighter Terrance Taylor blocks the extra point. Thanks Mike.
- 4:02 – Sheridan throws a pass like a girl. With her left hand.
- 4:06 – KC Lopata connects on a 50-yard FG! John McCain just asked him to be his running mate.
- 4:15 – The GM Scholarship thing is null and void if they are bankrupt prior to the end of the 3rd quarter.
- 4:24 – Utah kicks a field goal. The backup TE for Utah just waved in the crowd to his three wives. He does look like Bill Paxton a little.
- 4:36 – Scott Shafer abandons aggressive, attacking defense in favor of passiveness and timidity. It doesn’t work and Utah picks up 38 yards. I think, all things considered, I prefer aggression in my defense.
- 4:43 – The Ryan Mallett Memorial Fumble on the center exchange.
- 4:45 – The color guy, David Norrie, is just slobbering over Nick Sheridan right now. I am wondering if we are watching the same game, and then he almost throws a pick. I also think Farrara Ferere Farre, screw it, the DE-guy is on our O-line right now. Hold me. (Tighter.)
- 4:51 – Utah, tiring of passing all over us, decides to run all over us. Here kitty, kitty….
- 4:53 – From Wikipedia I learn that Utah’s two most famous draft picks, Alex Smith and Andrew Bogut, were both drafted #1 in the same season, the only school that can claim two #1 picks in the same year. Funny, it did not mention that they were colossal busts who suck so hard they shift the universe out of alignment and basically stole millions from dumb owners who don’t pay their scouts enough.
- 4:56 – Trickeration! We hike the ball and no one moves. I am officially trying to decide between describing it as “that shit is fucked up” or “that is some fucked up shit.”
- 4:57 – Rich Rodriguez has kept alive another Michigan tradition, the Carson Butler false start.
- 4:58 – Nooooo! Minor drops a TD pass. Cat32 looks at him with disapproval. I look at him with disapproval.
- 5:00 – ABC shows a graphic with changes RichRod is implementing, and the last one is “no showboating.” Did I miss the moonwalks, spikes, and gang-signs for the last 20 years? Was Chad Johnson a Wolverine?
- 5:04 – Sheridan throws a bad, bad, bad interception. Seppuku anyone? One sec while I clean off the dried blood from the cat.
- 5:05 – In a bizarre commercial, Joe Paterno sounds like he is imploring his reluctant bowel movement to “COME TO PENN STATE!”
- 5:10 – TD Utah, then a 15 yard penalty to start the 2nd half (thanks McAvoy.). Welcome to Wolvrine32’s totally free football consulting service: I don’t need Powerpoint for this à Coach Rod, that whole end of half play sequence sucked donkey balls. Halftime.
- 5:11 – I know I said not to overeact to the first game in an earlier diary, so I’m going to go not overreact with my head in the oven. Back in a jif.
- 5:27 – Flutie: “Nich Sheridan isn’t Pat White.” Thanks Cap’n Obvious. Also, they show a highlight of Terrell Pryor cashing his paycheck.
- 5:36 – Now Norrie is demanding a Threet replacement of Sheridan. Additionally, he also decides on reflection that his Pontiac Aztec is kinda ugly.
- 5:43 – McGuffie fumbles, Utah ball. Sheridan held the ball on the handoff. The cat looks at the offense with condemnation. If Cat32 were calling the shots, people would be dying. That’s the way she sees it.
- 5:46 – Interception Ezeh! Tip by Brown! Woot!
- 5:47-9 – My exact notes: Threet/suck/suck/delay of game/hurried punt. That is some rompin’ stompin’ football there folks.
- 5:55 – Utah channels Reggie Ho’s kid Sakoda, and he connects on a field goal. Anyone left for another round of Seppuku?
- 5:59 – I swear to God I saw Barwis wearing a headband and carrying a knife in his teeth, stalking Utah’s offensive coordinator.
- 6:03 – Offensive series here an unmitigated disaster. If incompetence were people, our offense would be China. Like the stadium, the offense is clearly under construction. Can you tell yet that this series sapped my will to live?
- 6:12 – Minor fumbles. Thus far, this is not a candidate for Big Ten’s Greatest Games.
- 6:22 – Sakoda hits a 60 yard punt under pressure. Honestly, it was badass. Rejected Utah nicknames: Polygamists, Choirboys, Fightin’ Bigamists, Smiters, Latter-day Utes, Ragin’ Prophets. I’m lashing out.
- 6:30 – Threet looks more discombobulated on a screen than John McCain picking a running mate.
- 6:36 – WE BLOCK A PUNT! Joseph Smith’s ghost is looking at his team with disapproval. Cat32 does not approve of him taking her schtick.
- 6:37 – Threet to Hemingway, touchdown Michigan! That deserved some third person: Wolvrine32 LOVED that play! Wolvrine32 wants MORE of that play! Wolvrine32 is JACKED!
- 6:40 – Donovan Warren is on a guy like white on rice in a glass of milk, on a paper plate, in a snowstorm.
- 6:42 – FUMBLE UTAH! MICHIGAN RECOVERS! AUSTIN PANTER! I CAN’T STOP WITH THE CAPS OR THE !!!!!
- 6:43 – Two neighborhood kids just ran by the window. What is wrong with parents today? Don’t they know their kid should have been properly brainwashed to be sitting inside watching college football instead of running around outside exercising? It’s tantamount to child abuse. Someone call state services.
- 6:46 – We run the “pass interference offense.” I sing The Victors. Cat32 doesn’t know the words. Right after we find out in three words why Threet didn’t start: “Human Traffic Cone.”
- 6:48 – Huge touchdown run by McGuffie! I paw-bump the cat. Cat32 looks happy for the first time in years. We might win this damn thing!
- 7:00 – I stopped taking notes for a bit. It’s official, I hate Mormons, Mormonism, the stupid choir. Grrr. I even, in retrospect, decide I hated the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. Take that Utahfan.
- 7:06 – Ballgame. Wife32 appears with some cookies, I annihilate them like our O-line was annihilated all game.
On the bright side, I thought our defense flipped a switch at halftime and could grow into a decent unit. The offense, yikes. Guess that’s pretty much where we all thought we’d be and hoped for more. Nope.
I am sad, but at least it’s football season. Bring on Miami, and Go Blue!