in town for free camps
This is the man I want as our next football coach:
Or maybe even this guy:
Now don't get me wrong, in no way am I advocating genocide, the atocities they caused, or the innocent people they killed. I'm just saying that I want the next head coach to be crazy. Like completely batshit crazy. I want a paranoid schizophrenic that thinks the alumni and fans are out to get them from day one. Because, simply put, for whoever coaches here that isn't named Jim Harbaugh, they will be. I want someone that has their finger on the button and doesn't give two shits what the rest of the world thinks, they'll start WWIII just for kicks. The uncertainty as to their next move will keep opponents afraid and on their heels, and we will move in and attack the jugular.
If that kind of crazy comes in the form of the Mad Hatter, grass eating, voodoo practicing Les Miles, so be it. Do what you have to do, and bring the witch doctor with you from the Bayou. But man that voodoo better be strong when he shows up in Ann Arbor. If it comes in the form of the Mad Scientist, lock players in dark enclosed spaces and lose your job Mike Leach, I'm fine with that too. If it comes in the form of practicing at unheard tempos to DJ'd music and other distractions so that you melt the brains of opposing teams come game time a'la Chip Kelly, even better.
I want someone who doesn't give a damn about the possibility of losing their job. I want someone who will pull out all the stops, throw in trick plays out to wazoo, like lining up offensive linemen as WR, fake punts, going for it on 4th and 3, statue of libery plays, and anything their wild minds can devise. I want someone with nothing to lose.
(Insert cheap cliche' line about dog in backed into corner being dangerous) I don't want that dog simply to be dangerous. I want that dog to be fucking rabid. I want to strike fear into the hearts of teams that oppose us. Uncertainty will be the weapon we use from here on out. Fear will keep the Big Ten in line, fear of our football program.
I think I need less coffee and to stop obsessing over this game. As many of you have, I have reached the conclusion that the chance of winning is slim by looking at the performance of our last four games. Our defense brings a nerf ball to a gun fight in the second half, the offense gets adjusted to and stalls out. Doing what we have been doing has not worked, here is the alternative.
Step 1: Abandon our Offense as we know it
Go into a running the ball conservative shell, bleed the clock, do not hurry up. Hell, bring Lloyd on the sideline next to RR for tips. There will be nothing to adjust to and our fans will probably be booing. Try to keep the score close, but ideally be losing by a touchdown at halftime. The Vest is happy with close games and typically responds in kind by constricting the offense to not make mistakes, he didn’t even try to win in regulation against Iowa with 2:30 on the clock for fear of having to pass. So, we appease the Vest. This also assumes we continue with a solid defensive first half.
Step 2: Make the third quarter the fastest on record
Don’t call a time out, don’t pass, I would be happy with a punting clinic from both while we limit our chances to score, but also limit their chances to score as well. It goes against the idea on actually wanting more touches to decrease effects from a bad play or turnover, but damn, the numbers do not lie about getting crushed in the second half. At this point, the Vest should be thinking happy thoughts about eating oatmeal and warm buttery toast as a child at the kitchen table as points are not scored.
Step 3: Tell Smithers to unleash the hounds in the fourth quarter
Ideally we are still within a score, so pull out every exotic play we can think of. Usher Lloyd back up to the press box and bring Beilein down to teach gunslinging. At his point, warm buttery toast leaves the Vest’s head as the horror of Pryor throwing the ball enters. The fourth quarter becomes a shoot out and we roll the dice against TP. The OSU offense is like an old heavyweight fighter that sort of leans on you until you wear out at the end of the game, at this point, make them punch to see if they accidentally open up.
Of course, this is far from perfect and near retarded. It also probably requires Murdoch to land the helicopter on the pressbox while B.A. shoots a few thousand rounds at the field unbelievably not hitting anybody while Hannibal and Face drive off with Herron and Saine in the van, thereby decimating the OSU backfield, but like I said, nothing else has been working lately. I have a hard time expecting a different result otherwise.
Can someone please explain to me why Bill Stewart was signed to a SIX YEAR CONTRACT??? Forget the loss last week...why??? Am I missing something or is WVU's athletic department just really poorly run. I feel like after only coaching 3 games he should have at least the season to show he can coach....