Imaginary stuff

I was reading an article on listverse this morning title "10 Monumental Map Blunders and Lies" and was surprised see a very (University of) Michigan centric story at #5:

Peter Fletcher was the former chairman of the Michigan State Highway Commission as well as a die-hard University of Michigan devotee. He included the nonexistent towns of Beatosu and Goblu, Ohio on a 1978 road map for the sole purpose of mocking Ohio State fans: Beatosu, of course, stood for “Beat OSU,” and Goblu really meant “Go Blue.”

Rabid Ohio fans wouldn’t tolerate such an injustice and demanded the Governor fix the maps. Even some Michigan residents complained that the incident was a waste of tax money. Ironically, the philanthropic Fletcher never collected his annual $60,000 salary as chairman, an amount that more than compensated for the ink used on the maps. New maps, without the offending town of Beatosu and Goblu, were reprinted later that year.

A quick google search found an interview with Mr. Fletcher himself on Michigan's DNR website:

Mr. Fletcher told me the story behind this infamous map. He explained that a fellow University of Michigan alumnus had been teasing him about the Mackinac Bridge colors. According to Fletcher, this man wondered how Fletcher, as State Highway Commission Chairman, could allow the Bridge to be painted green and white. Those were the colors of Michigan State University! Mr. Fletcher noted that the bridge colors were in compliance with federal highway regulations, so he had no choice in that matter. He did, however, have more control over the state highway map. Mr. Fletcher said that he thus ordered a cartographer to insert the two fictitious towns. These towns displayed his loyalty to his alma mater.

I was thumbing through some magazines the other day, and I came across a couple of those American Express “My life, my card” ads.  Thought you all might find them interesting: 

Mike Barwis: 

Childhood Ambition:  I was raised by actual wolverines, so my dream in childhood was to escape from everyone and never be seen, killing and eating in shadows 

Fondest Memory:  Ryan Mundy puking out the weakness 

Soundtrack:  Anything, just play it loud 

Retreat:  NEVER! 

Wildest Dream:  To crush my enemy on the field before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women 

Proudest Moment:  Crushing my enemies on the field before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women 

Biggest Challenge:  Charlie Weis if he would ever let me near him 

Alarm Clock:  I don’t sleep, I plot 

Perfect Day:  Crushing my enemies on the field before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women 

First Job:  That’s classified 

Indulgence:  Chocolate milk 

Last Purchase:  65 lbs. of red meat 

Favorite Movie:  Never Cry Wolf.  I can’t tell you how much it reminds me of my childhood, and my pets. 

Inspiration:  Chuck Norris.  The way he sends me fan mail is very inspiring. 

My Life:  Is to issue f-ing beatdowns of weak, unprepared football teams 

My Card:  Is American Express 

Jim Tressel: 

Childhood Ambition:  To crush all happiness and joy in the world, and put an end to rainbows 

Fondest Memory:  I have 6.  <<smirks>> 

Soundtrack:  Anything with the screams and wailing of the innocent 

Retreat:  Only from the SEC 

Wildest Dream:  To beat the SEC, in anything, ever 

Proudest Moment:  Personally injecting AJ Hawk’s crack with a huge needle full of steroids, then writing a check for Troy Smith’s monthly stipend and having the NCAA investigator miss me by five minutes, tops.  You think a three-step drop is timing?  Try that. 

Biggest Challenge:  Leaving a trail of slime everywhere I go 

Alarm Clock:  Followers of the Dark Lord do not sleep 

Perfect Day:  Oddly enough it doesn’t involve football.  I’d start with a ritual sacrifice, then do some money laundering, get educated on the latest PED’s, and wrap it up by crushing someone’s hopes and dreams.  Preferably wolvrine32’s. 

First Job:  Paperboy for the Stygian Free Press 

Indulgence:  Sweatervests.  Nothing like a bright, hades-red sweatervest. 

Last Purchase:  Lots of candy statistically proven to be the favorite of runaway children.  For my own private consumption, of course. 

Favorite Movie:  The Devil’s Own 

Inspiration:  Kael’thas, my dark lord to whom I pledge my undying devotion 

My Life:  Involves feeding my black heart, which pumps my black blood, that nourishes my black, soot-stained soul 

My Card:  Is American Express

COACH RODRIGUEZ, I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL AND ANGRY MICHIGAN SAFETY-HATING GOD (named as such by Brian Cook at MGoBlog, which you should read every day there is new content.) 

COACH RODRIGUEZ, YOU SHALL OBEY THESE COMMANDMENTS, CONVENIENTLY WRITTEN IN DESCENDING ORDER OF IMPORTANCE.  IF YOU DO SO, I SHALL MELLOW OUT A BIT AND NOT REDUCE YOUR SAFETIES’ KNEES TO WARM RICOTTA CHEESE.

1. THOU SHALT RUN A CLEAN PROGRAM.  My people do not like NCAA sanctions one bit.  For My sakes, we aren’t Alabama.  Thou shalt keep it clean, or thou will be smote down with extreme prejudice, including any Ed Martin-types standing in your smoting radius.  My people like to think of our program as being honorable, except in recruiting when My people secretly like to see Wilford Brimley frothing.
2. THOU SHALT WIN FOOTBALL GAMES.  That is thine calling.  Get to it.
3. THOU SHALT BE A POSITIVE FORCE IN THE PLAYERS’ LIVES.  My players should be better off in life having been through thine program.  Though that doesn’t always mean getting a degree, it often does.  My people want their heroes to be prosperous and successful.  Thou shouldst not even consider winning a Fulmer Cup.
4. THOU SHALT KEEP TRADITIONS AND STREAKS ALIVE.  My people love streaks and traditions of all kinds.  Appearances in bowl games, beating Indiana and Penn State, the #1 jersey, record home crowds, the Go Blue banner, non-losing seasons, the Winged Helmet, thou nameth the streak or tradition and My people loveth it.
5. THOU SHALT PREVAIL OVER RIVALS.  This means over half the time defeating the hated Buckeyes, two out of three against the current Irish regime, and four out of five against Little Brother.
6. THOU SHALT NOT BLOW 4TH QUARTER LEADS.  My people liketh safety and security, and are not constitutionally equipped to handle late blown leads well.  Play good solid defense, and be better conditioned than thine enemy.  Scoring early and often also helps.
7. THOU SHALT NEVER COACH WITH ARROGANCE.  Arrogance is the job of My people, particularly when bossing around their Spartan brethren at work.  Understanding that, no sitting starters against a spunky FCS team.  No pretending you have talent that meets what thoust wisheth the gameplan to be.  No telling the other team exactly what thoust is going to do, then being shocked when they adapt and it doesn’t work.  No assuming that all will be OK if you recruit better than the other guy.  Take nothing for granted, or incur my wrathful wrath cupcake, covered with little wrath sprinkles!
8. THOU SHALT NEVER INTRODUCE MAIZE JERSEYS IN A GAME.  This is an abomination against all that is holy, and a bullshit gimmick to boot.  Let Notre Dame keep getting beatdowns while wearing a goofy-colored jersey.  My people like to win, but prefer to win with class.  A bright yellow jersey does not have class.
9. THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ANY FORM OF MASCOT.    A live Wolverine mascot would be acceptable if it could be trained to rip up stuffed animals in the likeness of the opposing team’s mascot, but that’s not very likely.  Then again, maybe Barwis can work that miracle.  Did you know he raised wolves?
10. THOU SHALT RECRUIT PLAYERS WITH FUNNY NAMES.  Shavodrick Beaver is an excellent start.  Thoust has a standard to live up to, with Elvis Grbac, Zoltan Mesko, Tshimanga Biakabutuka, and the Sword/Irons/Payne/Steele grouping, among many others.  “Dingle/Berry” having consecutive jersey numbers so they would be in proper order in a numerical roster leads me to believe thoust understands this Commandment well.

SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE.

(Also, shouldst thou ever run across Reggie Ho in thy travels, please kindly let me know so that I can smite his puppies.)