Coaches' timeouts are worse. Basketball teams should get one, full stop.
I was thumbing through some magazines the other day, and I came across a couple of those American Express “My life, my card” ads. Thought you all might find them interesting:
Childhood Ambition: I was raised by actual wolverines, so my dream in childhood was to escape from everyone and never be seen, killing and eating in shadows
Fondest Memory: Ryan Mundy puking out the weakness
Soundtrack: Anything, just play it loud
Wildest Dream: To crush my enemy on the field before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women
Proudest Moment: Crushing my enemies on the field before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women
Biggest Challenge: Charlie Weis if he would ever let me near him
Alarm Clock: I don’t sleep, I plot
Perfect Day: Crushing my enemies on the field before me, and hearing the lamentations of their women
First Job: That’s classified
Indulgence: Chocolate milk
Last Purchase: 65 lbs. of red meat
Favorite Movie: Never Cry Wolf. I can’t tell you how much it reminds me of my childhood, and my pets.
Inspiration: Chuck Norris. The way he sends me fan mail is very inspiring.
My Life: Is to issue f-ing beatdowns of weak, unprepared football teams
My Card: Is American Express
Childhood Ambition: To crush all happiness and joy in the world, and put an end to rainbows
Fondest Memory: I have 6. <<smirks>>
Soundtrack: Anything with the screams and wailing of the innocent
Retreat: Only from the SEC
Wildest Dream: To beat the SEC, in anything, ever
Proudest Moment: Personally injecting AJ Hawk’s crack with a huge needle full of steroids, then writing a check for Troy Smith’s monthly stipend and having the NCAA investigator miss me by five minutes, tops. You think a three-step drop is timing? Try that.
Biggest Challenge: Leaving a trail of slime everywhere I go
Alarm Clock: Followers of the Dark Lord do not sleep
Perfect Day: Oddly enough it doesn’t involve football. I’d start with a ritual sacrifice, then do some money laundering, get educated on the latest PED’s, and wrap it up by crushing someone’s hopes and dreams. Preferably wolvrine32’s.
First Job: Paperboy for the Stygian Free Press
Indulgence: Sweatervests. Nothing like a bright, hades-red sweatervest.
Last Purchase: Lots of candy statistically proven to be the favorite of runaway children. For my own private consumption, of course.
Favorite Movie: The Devil’s Own
Inspiration: Kael’thas, my dark lord to whom I pledge my undying devotion
My Life: Involves feeding my black heart, which pumps my black blood, that nourishes my black, soot-stained soul
My Card: Is American Express
COACH RODRIGUEZ, I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL AND ANGRY MICHIGAN SAFETY-HATING GOD (named as such by Brian Cook at MGoBlog, which you should read every day there is new content.)
COACH RODRIGUEZ, YOU SHALL OBEY THESE COMMANDMENTS, CONVENIENTLY WRITTEN IN DESCENDING ORDER OF IMPORTANCE. IF YOU DO SO, I SHALL MELLOW OUT A BIT AND NOT REDUCE YOUR SAFETIES’ KNEES TO WARM RICOTTA CHEESE.
- THOU SHALT RUN A CLEAN PROGRAM. My people do not like NCAA sanctions one bit. For My sakes, we aren’t Alabama. Thou shalt keep it clean, or thou will be smote down with extreme prejudice, including any Ed Martin-types standing in your smoting radius. My people like to think of our program as being honorable, except in recruiting when My people secretly like to see Wilford Brimley frothing.
- THOU SHALT WIN FOOTBALL GAMES. That is thine calling. Get to it.
- THOU SHALT BE A POSITIVE FORCE IN THE PLAYERS’ LIVES. My players should be better off in life having been through thine program. Though that doesn’t always mean getting a degree, it often does. My people want their heroes to be prosperous and successful. Thou shouldst not even consider winning a Fulmer Cup.
- THOU SHALT KEEP TRADITIONS AND STREAKS ALIVE. My people love streaks and traditions of all kinds. Appearances in bowl games, beating Indiana and Penn State, the #1 jersey, record home crowds, the Go Blue banner, non-losing seasons, the Winged Helmet, thou nameth the streak or tradition and My people loveth it.
- THOU SHALT PREVAIL OVER RIVALS. This means over half the time defeating the hated Buckeyes, two out of three against the current Irish regime, and four out of five against Little Brother.
- THOU SHALT NOT BLOW 4TH QUARTER LEADS. My people liketh safety and security, and are not constitutionally equipped to handle late blown leads well. Play good solid defense, and be better conditioned than thine enemy. Scoring early and often also helps.
- THOU SHALT NEVER COACH WITH ARROGANCE. Arrogance is the job of My people, particularly when bossing around their Spartan brethren at work. Understanding that, no sitting starters against a spunky FCS team. No pretending you have talent that meets what thoust wisheth the gameplan to be. No telling the other team exactly what thoust is going to do, then being shocked when they adapt and it doesn’t work. No assuming that all will be OK if you recruit better than the other guy. Take nothing for granted, or incur my wrathful wrath cupcake, covered with little wrath sprinkles!
- THOU SHALT NEVER INTRODUCE MAIZE JERSEYS IN A GAME. This is an abomination against all that is holy, and a bullshit gimmick to boot. Let Notre Dame keep getting beatdowns while wearing a goofy-colored jersey. My people like to win, but prefer to win with class. A bright yellow jersey does not have class.
- THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ANY FORM OF MASCOT. A live Wolverine mascot would be acceptable if it could be trained to rip up stuffed animals in the likeness of the opposing team’s mascot, but that’s not very likely. Then again, maybe Barwis can work that miracle. Did you know he raised wolves?
- THOU SHALT RECRUIT PLAYERS WITH FUNNY NAMES. Shavodrick Beaver is an excellent start. Thoust has a standard to live up to, with Elvis Grbac, Zoltan Mesko, Tshimanga Biakabutuka, and the Sword/Irons/Payne/Steele grouping, among many others. “Dingle/Berry” having consecutive jersey numbers so they would be in proper order in a numerical roster leads me to believe thoust understands this Commandment well.
SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE.
(Also, shouldst thou ever run across Reggie Ho in thy travels, please kindly let me know so that I can smite his puppies.)