Dumb Wisconsin Laws
• No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.
• Citizens may not murder their enemies.
• Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.
• As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.
• It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
• It is illegal to play checkers in public.
• You cannot "worry a squirrel."
• It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention.
• If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day.
In any case, I thought some humor might help alleviate the dong punch that was Saturday's game. So I went and did a little research of my own, and found some interesting historical tidbits that might shed some light on why what happened actually happened. Are any of these true? Only time will tell, my friends. Are any actually humorous? Probably not.
Roy: I used to be happy
First up: Roy Roundtree. Turns out this is not the first time he's been caught from behind. Research reveals the following telling incidents from his past:
- Age 3. Roy spills milk on the kitchen table. Mama Roundtree chases as Roy heads for the front door and freedom. Mama catches him just as he was about to get out. Result: spanking. Also, the children lose all momentum in the constant struggle between parents and children.
- Age 10. During a spelling bee, Roy gets nervous as his word is "does not have elite speed" (ok, actually it is a phrase). He bolts for the exit, only to be caught by the lunch lady, who runs a 5.5 forty (FAKE!). He is forced to spell the phrase, which is unfortunately quite easy for him.
- Age 17. Girlfriend wants to "have some experiences together". Roy is nervous, as he has never done stuff like that before. Roy bolts for his car, but the girlfriend catches him just as he puts the keys in. Result: Roy loses virginity.
- Age 18: And then there was the polar bear incident...
Roy getting chased by a polar bear. It also ends poorly.
So, as you can see, getting caught from behind isn't always a bad thing. It's too bad Roy's girlfriend doesn't play for Michigan too. She has top-end speed. Same for the polar bear.
Also unearthed: a famous series of chess matches between Coach Rod and the Zooker. Little known fact: both are chess grandmasters. More known fact: neither seems much like a chess grandmaster. Here is a recap of their games:
- Game 1: Zook throws rook at Rich, catches him in the eye. Result: Rich forfeits (can't see the board).
- Game 2: Rich attempts to move pawn one square ahead for four straight moves. Unfortunately, Zook has entire defensive line there, including an extra pawn.
- Game 3: Rich moves queen into winning position. Unfortunately, Queen fumbles the ball. Zook's bishop scoops it up, only to be punched in the nuts by an angry pawn.
They even made a movie about them: Zooker (left) and RichRod
So in all cases, had we known of these chess games, we might have guessed that the Zooker had the strategic edge on Coach Rich. Who would have thunk it?
Finally, we have the dong punch. Brian already mined this for all it is worth, but who can leave a nut crack like that alone? As it turns out, the U of M players have been nut punching each other all year in what Barwis calls "our new way of saying 'well done, mate!'" For example:
- After the winning TD pass in the Notre Dame game, Shoelace went up to Tate and "congratulated" him right in the scrotum.
So that's it. With all the calls for Rich's head and the decay of Michigan football, let's keep in mind: "it's only football". Which means of course "it's only really important to a bunch of us who are not really affiliated with the team in any meaningful way, but it sure can ruin our saturday." So, a saturday was ruined. Now for the good news: only three more saturdays left.
After speaking with Coach Rodriguez, Chris told rivals that he will not be attending the University of Michigan next fall. "I spoke with coach (Rodriguez) and we decided this isn't a good fit for me or the team." Chris went on to explain that he had been recruited by Coach Shafer. "I just spoke with him last week and he offerred me. He has offerred some of my friends too and they haven't ever played football. Coach (Shafer) said something about anybody who wants to play defense just needing to sign up." I'm a little confused.
Rivals is reporting that ChrisGoComment has committed to play for the University of Michigan's football team next fall. While Rivals has moved Chris to committed, Scout has yet to do so. The announcement that the undersized defensive tackle will play for UoM is a bit of surprise. While this is an area in which the Wolverines lack bodies, taking an unranked player this early in the recruiting cycle is unusual.
When asked why he has chosen Michigan without visiting the campus, Chris had this to say. "They have really good academics and that is important to me. Also, I have heard something about an all-you-can-eat pizza diet and that is something I have some experience with. Most importantly, I viewed some of the pics from the recent football camp for women and I really liked the looks of the, uh, facilities."
I imagine Brian will have a post about this soon.
Forgive me if I'm doing this wrong. Hobos don't normally keep diaries.
Anyway, I was poking around the athletic department begging for change and looking for some Gatorade to help the Wild Irish Rose go down easier and I learned Rich Rod is making Kevin Grady wear a new uniform as a condition of staying on the team.