"Northwestern fans can be both heartened and disheartened by the loss to Minnesota just like how nineteenth-century resurrectionists were heartened when they pried a heart from a freshly-buried corpse and then disheartened it when they sold it to a disreputable anatomist."
ANTHRAX SCARE AT FOOTBALL FIELDS IN MICHIGAN
University of Michigan football practice was delayed nearly two hours late this morning after a player reported finding an unknown, white, powdery substance on the practice field.
Head coach Rich Rodriguez immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.
Suspicions were further enhanced when it became known that there was a similar finding on the home field of the Detroit Lions.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.
Practice was resumed this afternoon after special
agents decided the teams were unlikely to encounter the substance again.