i would find this more credible if it was about Tom Crean
This feature highlights some of the more famous personalities here at MGoBlog and beyond. Without pulling back the infamous veil of blog anonymity, we’ll get to know some of your favorite posters better and possibly shed some light on their definition of why it’s so darn Great, To Be, A Michigan Wolverine.
CLICK HERE TO VIEW PREVIOUS EDITIONS OF MGOPROFILE
(Scroll down to the MGoProfile section of the User-Curated HOF).
SIX QUESTIONS WITH BLOCKM
Not every MGoBlogger is “that guy.” You know what I’m talking about….the “charts guy” or the “coaches guy” or the “band guy” or the “I played for Bo guy” and so on. A lot of us are just guys. Guys who know and love Michigan football and other sports. Some went to school, others were just smart enough to realize there really isn’t anything better than Michigan. One of the most prominent for many years has been the guy with the big caterpillar with the block M as an avatar. Fittingly enough, BlockM. But here’s what you didn’t know about him:
1. Long time member, tons of points, been through all the eras; what do you see your role on MGoBlog to be?
My role has evolved quite a bit over time. Most of my points were accrued during my first two or three years of posting by making jokes, and hopefully I'm still capable of making someone laugh every once in a while yet. I was hooked from the moment I posted a picture of a beached whale with the caption, "Hey guys, I found Charlie Weis" or something like that and it earned me 100 mgopoints. My obsession with climbing the leaderboard probably led to a huge number of failed attempts at humor, and I apologize to everyone for that.
Now that I've graduated from that phase (online at least...), I try to be a voice of reason than anything else. I don't post as often, mostly because I don't have any football or sports insight to provide considering my crowning athletic achievement was winning our area middle school basketball championship. Full disclosure: I was the only third stringer on a team of 11 players, and we had an eventual Michigan Mr. Basketball taking the ball up the court, so I didn't do much. Often I'll chime in if I feel like comments are excessive in their vitriol, especially if it's aimed at a player on either team.
2. Hey, The Team, The Team, The Team, amiright? One of my pet interests, you have a readily distinctive avatar...I don't think we need to explain what it is, but what made you pick it?
I wish there was some awesome story behind it but what it really comes down to is that a roommate and I were bored on a weeknight, had a couple drinks, and watched Monsters vs. Aliens. For some reason, the noise this creature makes throughout the whole movie was the funniest thing we'd ever heard. I happened to be clicking through MGoBlog while watching and the rest is history. Don't drink and internet kids, this is what happens. I've thought about changing it, but every once in a while someone will comment on how they got a kick out of it, and I don't have any better ideas, so it's probably here to stay.
3. Well, people can judge for themselves. I have people asking - Ultra-MGoBoard, where does it currently stand? (And going in the way back machine....anything still going on with that UFR database?)
The UFR database, at least as far as my attempt at it is concerned, is dead. I'm a smidge OCD when it comes to having complete datasets, so the fact that Brian is unable to stomach UFRing losses to OSU and bowl games at times made it hard for me to keep interest. I knew that even if I did everything perfectly, it would still have those massive holes, so it couldn't actually answer any of the questions like "How many times did we run an inside zone last year?" Also, each season the format of the UFRs changed a bit, so a whole new parsing script was required. The fact that I was interning at NASA in Mountain View that summer didn't really make me want to sit inside and write Python code either...
While I haven't touched Ultra-MGoBoard in a couple of years, I'd be more than happy to spend some time working on it if there are requests for improvement. It was really just something I put out there because I found it useful. I think I built it during the Rich Rod/Brady Hoke transition, and it was mainly to allow me to completely hide posts I didn't feel like seeing. I also love the fact that I can have posts by people that have identified themselves as fans of other teams come up in their team's colors, or posts by women come up in a different color, because it allows you to immediately understand a bit more about their perspective (and use appropriate pronouns). I've actually brought up that project in a couple of interviews, so it was worthwhile regardless of whether or not anyone finds it useful.
I’m not sure I understood anything you said. You seem to have a lot of technical knowledge, whether programming, computers, etc....is it your passion, your professional, or all of the above?
A bit of both. I try to explain my feelings on the subject by saying that I don't love to code, I love what coding allows you me do. I'm not a brilliant programmer, but I get excited by the challenge of having a goal and bending code to my purposes whether I'm using it correctly or not. I went to Calvin College, and eventually U-M for engineering/computer science, so I've had most of the formal training, but a large portion of the code I "write" comes straight off of Google. I'm constantly thinking, "I have this goal, and I know for a fact that someone else has solved this problem before and put it on the internet for me to use for free, so I'm going to do that instead of trying to recall syntax." I'm an applications engineer at the moment, so someone decided that my skills were good enough to pay me for them, but I get the most excitement out of talking to the end users, finding out what they want, and showing them that the technology we have is capable of giving them what they asked for and more. Coding is just my method of getting there.
4. What do you do for a living now?
I work in IT at Steelcase as an applications engineer. I'm on the manufacturing systems team, and we manage all of the back-end data from the time an order is entered to when it ships. Most of my time is spent building web services, web applications, and mobile applications that allow users to view and access that data.
A couple cool story bros of note:
· Our CEO, Jim Hackett, actually played center for Bo in the mid-70s. He's got photos and books about Michigan football in his office here at the global headquarters. There's also a gigantic press break machine out in one of our plants that's painted blue with the winged helmet pattern on each of its columns along with his number, 53. I have a photo of it somewhere, but I can't find it at the moment.
· I was able to head down to Chicago for the contract furniture industry's big expo called NeoCon this year, and while I was leaving the Steelcase showroom I noticed that Dave Brandon was being shown around by some of our executives. I know U-M has a lot of Steelcase furniture scattered across campus, including the athletic department, so it's cool to see them checking out our new products.
I can’t say I remember watching him play, but I have heard of Hackett. So yes, a real CSB. What do you like to do for fun?
I spend some time helping out with the middle school youth group at my church, which is always a blast. A few of the kids love Michigan sports, and their perspectives are always fantastic, usually something along the lines of, "DID YOU SEE WHAT TREY BURKE DID LAST NIIIIIGHT?!"
Beyond that, I live with friend that runs a local golf-oriented non-profit that can get me on the course for free occasionally, so I take advantage of that. I love getting out and doing a 20 mile loop on my bike on a Saturday morning, and I'll go for a run if I'm feeling particularly ambitious. I also tend to binge watch TV shows when I find one I really like. Between Arrested Development, Dexter, House of Cards, and Game of Thrones I've been spoiled lately, and I'm already shaking with excitement for the final season of Breaking Bad.
5. Describe the perfect meal.
My answer might have been different before I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes a couple of years ago. Unfortunately since I've had to start keeping track of my carb intake "cake and more cake and ice cream" doesn't work as a meal anymore unless I want to put myself in the hospital.
At the moment, my perfect meal is a tray of tacos from a tiny, dirty looking spot in Grand Rapids called La Taqueria San Jose. If you like tacos and you're ever in the area, check it out. It doesn't look like much from the outside, but their chorizo or al pastor tacos are to die for, come with onions, cilantro, and a few different house salsas on two perfectly fried corn tortillas. I'll usually order four, be completely full, and still wish I had another four to try to cram in. In a perfect world, I'd have a beer from any of the number of phenomenal breweries around town in my hand, but I haven't had the opportunity to combine those two pleasures yet.
6. Ann Arbor is finally getting some decent taco joints, but the finer Mexican restaurants are still hit and miss.
Can you explain why you are a Michigan fan?
My dad. That's the short answer and the long answer. I'm blessed to have been raised by the human being I respect most in this world and he loves Michigan, so I do too. Some of my favorite moments from my childhood are from watching games on the couch in our basement with him and seeing this normally calm and even-keeled person just explode out of his seat during a long touchdown run screaming, "GO! GO! GO! YESSSSSSSSSS!" I've only been to a few games with him, but I think the first was against Rice. I'm sure the score was lopsided, but it didn't matter.
I was able to get him a ticket in the student section for the last OSU home game, and being able to celebrate with him and my brother after breaking that streak of losses will always be one of my most cherished memories. Thankfully we took a moment to capture the emotion, and my two wonderfully artistic younger sisters surprised me with this at Christmas, which includes all of my home tickets (all wins, obviously) from the season:
A picture of the picture doesn't come close to doing it justice, but I think it gets the point across.
As good a reason as we’ll find. Who’s your all-time favorite Wolverine?
I'm sure someday twenty years from now there will be an MGoProfile where Denard Robinson isn't mentioned here, but it won't be today. Even with his flaws on the football field, I've never had as much fun watching someone do what they love as Denard. Say what you want about his passing skills or lack of ability to hear me screaming "TUCK IT AND RUN!" from my couch, but if you told me we'd go between 8-4 and 10-2 every year, but we'd have a guy that was so easy to root for and could plant his foot and disappear in a cloud of turf pellets like Denard, I'd take it in a heartbeat as long as we're beating OSU and MSU.
BlockM, ladies and gents. It’s guys (and the occasional gal) like this who make MGoBlog what it is, and so great to come here over and over. And really, what makes it great to be a Michigan fan. If everyone on the Internet was a BlockM, we’d be doing alllllriggghhttt (best Freddie J. drawl). Only a few more weeks till the season starts, so this might be a wrap for this off-season of MGoProfiles. If a couple of things percolating come to a boil, there might be one more, but I hope you've enjoyed this run of Profiles. Thanks to Six Zero, for coming up with this great way to put some "faces" out there from behind the avatars; the profilees (is that a word?) who really do all the work, and make this interesting, and the readers who take the time to read this and get to know each other better, and respond to it. There could be a hundred weeks in the off season, and I still don't think we would get through all the interesting characters on MGoBlog. So don't fret, keep posting, because you may be next! Go Blue!
DOWNS AND SUCCESS: THE MICRO-LEVEL VIEW
NOTE: The scales on charts will vary - apologies in advance.
Inspired partially by a suggestion made in the last Dear Diary, I’ve decided to extend this series one more entry. This time, I am going with the micro-level view, using in-game differentials and tracking these with point differentials from game to game. The sample I chose, just to see if there is anything going on within the numbers, is Michigan’s in-game stats from 2005-2012.
The method for calculating that differential was the same as in the previous entry – the offensive conversion rate minus the defensive (opponent’s success) rate. The point differential would then be simply Michigan’s total points minus the opponent. The idea was to see if they tracked together and, if so, how close is the relationship.
As it turns out, it is reasonably close – for the sample, the R-value came out to be 0.728, so there is a decided correlation between the two variables. It was at this point that I decided to embark on a smaller side comparison of first down differential (Michigan’s total 1stdowns minus opponent first downs) and also compare these to point differentials. I only did this for three seasons, but for that small sample, the R-value was 0.653, so although it is a weaker relationship, there is still a relationship here.
A LITTLE SUMMARY DATA:
First, here are the average differentials for each season studied and the average point differential:
AVG. 3RD DOWN DIFFERENTIAL
AVG. POINT DIFFERENTIAL
For the entire sample of 101 games, the overall average differential for Michigan was 5.62% and the average point differential was 5.69. The standard deviations were 22.45% and 20.16 points respectively. Interestingly, the median value is 2.82% for the 3rddown differential and the median point differential is actually 4.00.
Second, here is a table which shows how many games in each of the eight seasons had a negative differential versus how many had a negative point differential. Actually, I left that in the table header because it is perhaps an excellent jargon term for a loss.
“We didn’t lose, but merely achieved a negative point differential.”
If only I had thought about this in 2008. Anyway, here’s the table:
GAMES WITH NEGATIVE 3rd DOWN DIFF.
GAMES WITH NEGATIVE POINT DIFF. (LOSSES)
The 2011 and 2012 numbers stood out to me, and in the last diary, someone pointed out the strange decoupling of differential and win percentage in this period for Michigan actually. In these tables, you can see just what that looked like. The average 3rddown differential went up from the previous year, but the average point differential fell. We only lost the battle of 3rddowns three times but lost five games. Indeed, in the 2011 season, we lost the battle of 3rddowns five times but only lost two games.
THIRD DOWN DIFFERENTIAL / POINT DIFFERENTIAL CHARTS:
FOR GIGGLES - FIRST DOWN DIFFERENTIAL / POINT DIFFERENTIAL (only for 2010-2012):
Essentially, this is testing the usefulness / limitations of this particular metric as a predictive tool, but doing so at the level of the games in the season and not just season averages. I like to think that it is reasonably useful if not always accurate.
Welcome to the 2013 Michigan Football season! For the past several years now, I have written the lyrics to a Song for the Season, beginning in the RR era, when it was especially meaningful and poignant to have something to liven up the approaching unknown.
Now, though? Now everything is just way too much fun to be too meaningful and poignant. So, I present to you this year's Song for the Season, 2013.
Michigan's Back (To the Tune of Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back)
I like deep threats and I cannot lie
Al Gorgeous Borges can't deny
When a reciever runs in a deep ball race
with a Touchdown in his face
He has fun! Wanna make the o-line tough
So the runners don't get stuffed, deep in the offense backfield
Make that defense bend and then yield.
You know he wants to run through ya,
Got D. Green, Boo-yah!
Those boxes, the defense will stack up
Got Gardner to make 'em back up!
Ooh, six foot five tight ends
You say, "When will it end?"
Well Run up, Run up,
Cause Borges don't like to sum up.
See OSU sweatin'
See Lil' Brother forgettin'
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of ESPN
Sayin' SEC is the beginning and end.
Take the average Michigan Man and ask him that
We gotta have a bull-rush back.
So Fan Base? (Yeah!) Said Fan Base? (Yeah!)
Has your offense got deep threats? (Hell Yeah!)
Tell 'em to run it! Throw deep!
Light up that scoreboard now!
I like that D-Line Big!
Those offenses feel like they 'been rigged!
Mattison can't help himself, bustin' with the swag.
Recrutin hard gettin jet lag.
Gotta get 'em to the house
And yeah, sign em up, yeah yeah,
I ain't talkin about recruting tips
Cause they do decommits in Minneapolis
We want 'em thick n' 5-starred
He'll find 'em starred and hyped.
If they're Purdues he'll get 'em swiped.
Ain't got no practice music piped.
I'm lookin' at M-Drill Videos,
Got O-Line and D-Line setup in rows.
Big Uglies keepin their pads low,
Pipkins and Kalis we stole from 'O".
A word to the LB's, Mattison will bring you the Bling-Bling,
Like Ray Lewis but without the Killing.
But I gotta be straight when he says you gonna hurt,
Gonna break you all the way down make you work.
Might think he's a jerk.
A lotta teams won't like this song
Cause them punks get hit, just quit.
Michigan Men rather stay and play
Cause they Michigan Strong
So Band take the field, go get on!
So Ladies? (Yeah!) Ladies? (yeah!)
Is your defense mad like rabies? (Hell Yeah!)
Then push 'em back! Hold the line!
Give 'em a place to stand!
Michigan's Back! When it comes to football, them Buckeyes ain't got nothin' over on Michigan. 3 Arrests in one Weekend? Ha-Ha! Only in Columbus!
Little Brother wants to know where's the threat,
Oh oh oh, how soon they forget.
The threat gotta five-star, rocket-armed jet.
Our defense don't wanna hear it,
without Bell, you'e lucky to run three and clear it.
You can come from Ames or Madison,
You ain't gonna win in Ann Arbor, son.
Some haterz can't face reality.
Tell you want you see ain't what you really see.
They whine and cry about Roundtree.
Darboh's got more there, you'll see.
Well DiNardo says we're young.
We ain't down with that, son.
Cause our QB says we a champion squad.
Gonna party in the quad,
When we bury Braxton Miller in the game.
Hello, Heisman? Ain't that a shame.
Give us MMB, and touch the banner.
Want another shot at Yellow Hammer.
Some Spartan whined and moaned.
Cause we got Bunyun, you got boned.
Night game? Friggin juggalos!
Buy some goddamn decent clothes!
So folks if your tailgate's set.
They're runnin up the fieldgoal net.
Pasadena, ready to recieve 'em.
Roses, oh baby we need 'em.
So, we are in the stadium, home of the Atlanta Falcons, with 75,000 other fans. I look for my Atlanta friend, but the seats she was in Saturday are empty. I text her, still outside fighting the crowd to get in.
Now we find our seats, in the upper deck, corner, about halfway up.
However, the view through the binoculars is perfect, taking in the whole court. A friend who was there Saturday had told me the sight lines were better than the United Center, where the Bulls play.
I look to my daughter and say I can't believe we made the title game. She says: “I can't believe I'm here!” with a big, parent satisfying grin.
And it is all over twitter that Webber is at the game. Just to continue to make it all about him, though, he does not sit with his four teammates. As my daughter says, whatever.
It seems there are more Louisville fans in the crowd, judging by wearing apparel. Not all of our fans wear maize, of course, but it seems that more than half the throng is wearing red.
The Louisville end zone is in front of us; ours at the opposite end. Our students act as they did at home games, standing througout, crowding to the court, so that the last few rows of seats were empty during the first half.
I am told the half-time performing bands used them for the second half.
Our noise making leads the elderly Kansas fans next to us to note that Michigan fans are really serious.
My great fear, the zebras, appears to materialize as Burke picks up two quick fouls, the second yet to be seen by anyone else. I feel impending doom. Disaster. A Louisville blowout.
Bad calls are made on both teams. When you can see a mid-court foul from my seat, without binoculars, it is impossible to conclude that the officials all missed it. That one would have been on Hardaway.
A friend texts that he does not think that the referees are in good enough shape to keep up with the players, so that they can be in position to actually see the game they are calling.
You could not disprove that theory by what I am seeing.
So, Burke sits. Spike shoots. And scores. And shoots and scores and shoots and scores and, you saw the game.
I raise my hands to the heavens like Ecstasy Guy. Yes, it is our destiny, clearly, nothing can stop us!
The half winds down. I figure we need to be ahead by at least ten.
Woops. The entire lead evaporates in a rain of Louisville threes. We just barely get back on top as the half ends.
The vibes are bad again. I remember leading Indiana in the 76 game at the half, still tied with ten minutes left, and, the end, losing by double digits.
I find my friend at halftime, take a picture, have a short visit. Her son is sitting in a different spot. I am sorry to miss him, a 16 year old survivor of Ewing's sarcoma, a virulent form of cancer.
The second half begins.
It is a battle of two heavyweights, exhanging blows, no quarter asked, none given.
I keep thinking Louisville will pull away, but they do not.
Then the play of the year, the Burke block at the far end of the court. Looked good to me live. Looked better on the replay.
The advantage of attending sporting events live is that you can look where you want. You are not bound by the director mandating shots of players' parents in the crowd.
I watch Burke, wander alone to the corner, looking away from the court.
He is pissed, I tell my daughter.
And rightly so. But he composes himself, and plays out the game, to the best of his ability.
As did all the players, on both teams. And the coaches.
I cannot remember another championship game like this, in any sport. No one ever seized the momentum and ran with it. Neither team was able to work its will on the other.
Disappointing result? Of course. It was meant to be. That is how I handle such things after decades of the ups and, more frequent, downs, cheering on the Maize and Blue.
Bad officiating? Blatantly, but that does not mean a perfectly called game would have mandated a different result.
With 3.9 seconds on the clock, my daughter and I look at each other and get up to leave. She has to punch in at the barn in Lexington in less than 8 hours, and it is 6 hours driving time.
The parking spot works to a charm; we seem to be in the first 15 vehicles leaving the stadium. And the road leads right to the freeway.
Erin is still up front next to me in the passenger seat. I call my friend who texted me to get his impressions from watching on TV.
A magnificent spectacle, he agrees.
The adrenaline is still going, for a while.
I stop for gas and a cappuccino and she takes up residence on the sleeping bags and pillows in the back of the mini-van.
Hmmmm. Maybe I should have pounded some 5 hour energy drinks.
Out of Georgia and back into the curving mountain roads of Tennessee. Which I do not remember. Oh, yeah, I was napping during this part of the trip down.
No lights on these roads either. Usually a semi truck or two is in sight.
Somewhere around 3:30 a.m., I pull off for a power nap.
Erin wakes me up about half an hour later, and off we go again.
After the next gas stop, I have her drive the last hour and a half or so. We are on schedule, and she is fully awake.
I am in the passenger seat and we chat about the hoop programs our our respective alma maters, Kentucky and Michigan.
She says the only player to graduate during Calipari's tenure was a holdover, who had promised his grandmother he would get a degree. He talks at post-game conferences about how some of his guys are not coachable. Well, why the hell should they be? They are just on a one year layover before they go pro. She is familiar with player attendance at classes, and not impressed.
The contrast with our coaching staff could not be more stark.
The team, the team, the team. Michigan Man values. Exposure to these beliefs is the benefit of having taken my girls to UM games since before they could talk.
Sports imitates life. You win some, you lose some. But how do you play the game?
As a parent, how do you get quality time with your kids?
I heartily recommend long road trips to Michigan sporting events.
Having exhausted the topic of basketball, she goes on to tell me her relationship with her bosses, the owners of the huge horse farm, the ladder to advancement, what she wants to do, and how she plans to get there.
This is the reason for my trip. To have that time, to check in on her life, to see how she is really doing.
Her sister lives in Detroit and I am blessed with frequent contact with that wonderful person.
I have not seen Erin since this trip. She will be up here this weekend, August 16.
She pulls in front of her house about 6:15 a.m. I go in to use the bathroom, but my dog allergies drive me back to the van for some sleep. I hear her “Thank you!” as she gets in her car to drive to work.
After some sleep, I drive home, arriving about 3:30 p.m., meaning that, except for 6 hours in Atlanta and pit stops, I have been in the mini-van for about 33 hours.
I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Now that college football season is nearly upon us, and wildly inspired by Cracked.com’s Sunday article, “The 5 Most Creative Acts of Insanity by Modern Dictators”, I couldn’t help but wonder if I could get my creative, historical snark on and write up a tome on similarly bat-shit college football coaches. After all, this a world where Bo Pellini, Les Miles and Wil Muschamp prowl the sidelines.
The amazing thing I learned in writing this diary is that a coach need not be named “GERG” to engage in motivational hilarity, and that our former Defensive Coordinator’s pep talk with a fur-covered hand puppet didn’t even make my Top 5 (though it might have been #6 since we were all left asking “What. The.F-ck?”). Neither did Rich Rodriguez’s use of YouTube and ten gallon hats and Josh Groban.
Google “insane college football coaches”, and you’ll get nearly 2.8 million hits, and not one of them will mention so much as a sock monkey (go ahead and check – I’ll wait).
#5 Brian Kelly Tries to Recreate That Scene from “Scanners”
You know the one I mean. Against a mediocre South Florida team in 2011, Notre Dame head coach, Brian Kelly, went all Bobby Knight after his team coughed up its third turn-over of the game. Now, I imagine that he was just reacting as most ND fans did at that moment, what with the Irish deep in Bulls territory and threatening to score, and all.
Still, Coach Kelly managed to put the “A” in “apoplectic”, nearly having a stroke on the sidelines that was captured and replayed by media talking heads far and wide for the next week and on opposing fan sites long after. There are MGoUsers who actually have the photo of the key moment as their avatars, and they’re probably not the only ones.
#4 Lane Kiffin Holds a Press Conference for the Recruit That Never Was
Back in World War II, the British made Mincemeat of the Nazis by staging an elaborate ruse that involved a real dead man, a fake identity, a submarine and a clown car (I’m finding the last bit difficult to confirm) in an effort to make the Germans believe the forthcoming Allied landings in Sicily were going to be anywhere but Sicily. Everyone who has ever head-faked their dog by pretend-throwing a Frisbee knows how the trick works. The Allies were delighted to find that Hitler was a lot more trusting than a retriever, who sent his army chasing a stick out near Malta while the Allies were invading Sicily.
Evidently taking a page from British history (or not, Lane Kiffin doesn’t strike me as the type to open a lot of books) the coach decided to stage a fake press conference for nine recruits to Tennessee in 2009. Unfortunately for him, that’s an NCAA violation.
But Coach Kiffin didn’t stop there.
Continuing with the “World War II” theme, the coach channeled Humphrey Bogart and the end of Casablanca by installing a fog machine to simulate a “game environment” for those same recruits, which is also an NCAA violation. No word on whether he was also thinking about adding a disco ball and the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack.
#3 Marshall Strength Coaches Think Kevin Bacon is a Pussy
Taking the term “hot seat” into uncharted territory, not only was the Omega house initiation apparently used as a how-to guide for motivating the Thundering Herd, but Marshall’s former staff upped the ante by lighting the paddles on fire.
With their breath.
Fortunately for Matthew McConaughey, none of the players on the business end seemed to enjoy lunches of double bean burritos and egg salad sandwiches. He’s done that movie once and his agent has probably insisted that he’s not interested in filming a We Are Marshall sequel, no matter how hot he is for January Jones.
#2 Woody Hayes Forgets That Size Does Matter
Speaking of wood, this story comes to us courtesy of Urbz himself, who claims he witnessed the event. I don’t normally speak ill of the dead but I’m making an exception in this case because Ohio State.
For those of you too creeped out to watch Urban Meyer (and who isn't?), I'll give you the gist of it. Evidently, Woody had advanced to that age where he no longer had a useful purpose for Little Woody, or at least one of the two that Nature most intended. So, just like in that heart-tugging ending from Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree, the old coach said “F- You!” to PETA, dug deep and pulled one out (of his pants).
After a humbling bowl loss, then-Buckeye head coach, Earle Bruce, asked Woody to come in and give a pep talk to the coaches on toughness. Immediately after berating the current staff on its lack of meddle, Hayes opened a box to reveal a snapping turtle, whipped his (apparently seldom used) baby maker out of his trousers, and demonstrated for Earle’s staff what a real man is capable of doing that they aren’t.
In case it’s not readily apparent what he did, I’ll let you use your imaginations or read the story yourselves. It hurts below my waistline to even write about it.
I feel awful for the turtle. Reptile or not, no species of plant or animal should have to do that for a Buckeye. And it got a poke in the eye for its troubles.
Thank God Bo didn’t bring every one of Woody’s lasting lesson with him to Ann Arbor.
#1 John L. Smith Tries to Get the Voices in His Head to Stop
What? You thought I wouldn’t remember this one?
In the raw vote (which I conducted solely inside my head) this episode of The Ball Coach Be Crazy Yo’ only finished second. But since this happened while he was still in the process of earning the Sparty No! Lifetime Achievement Award, and it was caught on camera by everyone, and it’s been replayed eleventy billion times, and he later went on to become some kind of Bat Shit Superhero at Arkansas, he’s earned the outright top spot in my list.
In doing the research for this story, I realized I could have written it as “Top 5 Reasons JLS is Insane”, but that would have been too easy. And it’s probably already been done.
As always, your mileage may vary.
Six Zero here, with a very special edition of…
This feature highlights some of the more famous personalities here at MGoBlog
and beyond. Without pulling back the infamous veil of blog anonymity, we’ll get
to know some of your favorite posters better and possibly shed some light on
their definition of why it’s so darn Great, To Be, A Michigan Wolverine.
CLICK HERE TO VIEW PREVIOUS EDITIONS OF MGOPROFILE
(Scroll down to the MGoProfile section of the User-Curated HOF).
SIX QUESTIONS WITH CREX
WARNING: If you are not well versed in the phenomenon known simply as the CRex Saga, drop whatever you are eating, holding, working on and/or breastfeeding and READ THIS IMMEDIATELY. Upon completion of the first tome, feel free to follow it up with subsequent entries of CRex and Koreans, the memorable CRex visits Mongolia, The Wedding Part I, The Wedding Part II, and the most recent CRex Does China.
In short, if you're a reader of MGoBlog and you don't know who CRex is and what he does... well then, you probably don't read MGoBlog enough. As the writer of possibly the most famous OT post in the history of the blog, CRex graciously chose to share his own personal adventures with all of us during the tumult and uncertainty of the 2010 transition between the Rodriguez and Hoke regimes.
But enough back story-- you know the guy tells a good story, and you can be assured he makes for an equally compelling interview. So sit back, my friends, and enjoy this exclusive interview with everyone's favorite Korean-loving Ginger CRex...
1. Few diarists at MGoBlog have had as loyal a readership as you. For a time, the drama of your relationship and life was simply must-read entertainment for the entire MGoBlog community. What originally moved you to share the story with the blog in the first place?
It's hard to pinpoint one specific reason, rather it was a number of them. While the surprise visit was stressful to say the least, I knew it was going to be one of those things that years later I'd look back on and laugh about. Writing it down provided me with a way to step back and pretend it was years later and laugh about it. I was able to do some venting and gain some perspective while the rest of the community got to have a laugh and some drama, so it was win-win. As for why I picked MGoBlog as opposed to some other venue, I figured that given most of that offseason's topics centered around our head coaching issues everyone would welcome a laugh. I was kind of fed up with some of the threads that kept picking at old wounds, so a chance to post something Michigan related that was humorous just seemed too good to pass up.
We’re all collectively grateful you did. When did you know that your simple tale had become the epic "CRex Saga," and how did it affect interactions in your real, non-virtual life? Have you ever been outed as the "infamous ginger CRex?"
I know M-Wolverine spotted me at a Michigan football game. Beyond that as far as I know I've never been outed in public, although I'm honestly not sure if I'd notice. I'm still surprised how many odd glances mixed race couples get in Ann Arbor, so I just tend to assume that people who are staring at me are looking for that reason as opposed to any form of recognition. For me, since I work for the university and am surrounded by coworkers who read MGoBlog, a lot of my focus is making sure they don't out me. That means I creatively edit dates a little so they can't line up my vacations to the stories and things like that. Also I have to keep a straight face when someone sends me the link or calls me over because a new installment of the C-Rex Saga went up and it is 'pretty good'. Or when I step into an office to talk to someone and see them commenting on an entry. I did tell one of my coworkers who also has a Korean wife who I am, but for the most part I keep it private. I normally hope someone has also posted a big stats-laden diary right before or after me so I can just tell people I was reading the latest by LSAClassof2000 or Mathlete, as opposed to wasting my time on that OT K-drama diary crap!
Also, for a time your wife's identity was compromised after the story broke. Obviously some candid details of her life and her interaction with family were really put out there for our enjoyment. How did she handle your ascension into MGo-Immortality, and what does she think of it now?
A couple of my wife's students did figure out her identity somehow which got me in some hot water and put an end to the stories for awhile. I didn't have to sleep on the couch, but she wasn't happy to say the least. That led to that infamous suspension of the stories where I had to go dark. Eventually we worked out a deal where I'd agree to alter certain facts and she was happy, especially once she graduated and moved on. Thankfully if her adviser reads MGoBlog he never connected her to the diaries or at least never said anything to her, because if he had, I'd have been found floating face down in the Huron River. Beyond that, my wife thinks we're all crazy. She can understand the excitement for gameday and how the blog gives us all ties back to Michigan, but the fact we do this kind of stuff 365 days a year is an alien concept to her.
Wives. They actually believe the world doesn’t revolve around Michigan football. Okay, now on behalf of all of MGoBlog, I feel it’s my journalistic duty to move on to a more pressing and paramount topic…
2. Little sister. Discuss.
Little Sister and one of her minions, err a friend, came over this year and we went on a road trip across America. That lead to enough material for at least one diary, but I've been slow in putting it together. My wife and I are in the process of relocation so my writing schedule has fallen behind and off topic season is now over. So that would move it back to the 2014 offseason. In larger scale news, the relocation likely means Lil Sister will not be a Michigan Wolverine, as with my wife and I leaving the area, my in-laws know better than to drop Lil Sis off in Ann Arbor without someone to monitor her. After all, she might come back with a white boyfriend or something. For all her trouble making, Lil Sis's test scores are outstanding and she's going to have her pick of the litter in terms of schools. Although her dreams to walk onto the Michigan Football team are likely over and it will be a major setback to the program, she had the potential to perform those "Crable Noooooooo" type hits and then just unleash the cute little girl smile so the ref would just pick the flag up.
We’ve got some pull with the staff—maybe Heiko can get her a tryout. You've since married your girlfriend and are linked forever with her South Korean family. You seemed to have won over the father on the initial trip, but things were dicey for awhile there with the mother. How are things with the in-laws now?
We're now firmly in the "Where the hell are the grandchildren? Make with the grandchildren already." stage. It was inevitable I suppose. The in-laws relationship really improved with the wedding as they could now explain their daughter was married to me as opposed to randomly living with some American dude, so that was a major step forward. I've also advanced my career enough that my mother in law can now brag about me to her exercise group, which was a bunch of old women who walked around the city park. The minute my income set the record for son in-law income within that group, my popularity skyrocketed. I'm now considered tall, handsome, and a perfect match based on the numbers I type into my 1040 form. Ironically, of course, my wife (who clears significantly more coin than me) is criticized for not contributing enough to the relationship by her parents (read: not having kids). I've debating trying to adopt Lil Sis and just pay for her college to get the parents to lay off the kid thing.
3. Since your ascension into MGoBlog lore, you've visited Mongolia, took part in the traditional Korean wedding, and had many other exciting adventures. We've watched you grow and evolve into a cosmopolitan man and a purveyor of multiple cultures both Eastern and Western. Did you ever see yourself growing up to be the man you are today? And if you'd never met your Korean wife, who would CRex be today?
Not at all, I was from a very white area of the country. Out of my high school graduating class of ~440, only 40 or so were non-white and just 3 Asians. My sole international experience had been a senior trip to Western Europe, which I considered a major culture shock at the time. I never had much of a desire to leave the country; my vacations were centered on visiting all 50 states and Canada. If I hadn't met my wife I'd likely own a house somewhere in Ann Arbor, have started a small business of some sort, and settled down. As for how it has changed me as a person, I came to Michigan right in the middle of the Affirmative Action lawsuits and my personal beliefs led me to favor admission based solely on scores over any kind of desire for diversity. Looking back now I can't imagine how boring it would have been to come to a college version of my mostly white high school. I wish I'd met my wife earlier and been able to experience more while on campus. If this had been High School 2.0, I'd just be a better educated version of my high school classmates who never went to college, never really went out into the world, and now, based on their Facebook posts, must be bored to tears half the time.
The other interesting, at least to me, question to ponder is if I'd be married. I was what you would call an underachiever with the girls in high school. I started out strong in 9th grade and made a name for myself when I obtained a prom invitation from an older girl. However, midway through my sophomore year I came to the conclusion that high school girls are incredibly boring and the bullshit you had to put up with was not commiserate with the benefits. During my junior year the principal actually called my parents to express his concerns I was gay, complete with an offer to invite me to his church where the gay could be prayed away. Much of my relationship works because what might sound like "Omg not this again, why does every girl whine about this?" to a Korean guy, doesn't even show up as a blip on my radar.
My view on Michigan's whole commitment to diversity has also changed. When I first came here, I tended to roll my eyes and mutter something about "PC Bullshit" whenever diversity came up. After meeting my wife and getting to know what she went through to obtain her PhD here, I'm honestly amazed at how bad Michigan is at supporting diversity. Michigan offers some intro classes to all international students and the support pretty much ends there aside from whatever the International Center can offer (and they're not always trustworthy sadly). Beyond that you need to hope your adviser or department is supportive; my wife's first adviser actually dropped her after telling her he only wanted to support her working on crunching for his numbers, but not contribute to theory because Asians are good at math but not new theories. Luckily one of her other committee members felt bad for her and supported her. When I first walked around campus I thought Asians were cliquish and didn't want to associate with Americans, but as it turns out much of that isn't necessarily a desire to be exclusive so much as a need to form social support groups with other people going through the same thing.
I've discovered how elements of Michigan bureaucracy simply don't bother to properly handle requests from Asian students because they assume Asian students aren't confrontational and don't know how to complain even if they want to. I actually managed to get someone fired after she repeatedly lied to my wife about sending out forms from the department my wife needed and had the audacity to lie about in repeated emails and when confronted directly. Of course, the moment the angry American-- who knows how to complain and who to complain to-- shows up, people suddenly get rather cooperative. It seems like every time I sit down for dinner with a group of international students, I'm amazed at how they don't know about a certain service offered by Michigan or channels to file complaints through, which I just took for granted. I could just rant on and on about this, but really at the end of the day when someone at Michigan starts talking about diversity, I roll my eyes for entirely different reasons now.
After reading the above, my wife did want me to add in that she really did enjoy her time at Michigan and how anyone who gets into Michigan is privileged with all the resources and status they're granted simply by attending Michigan. She holds no grudges and recommends Michigan to her friends. I also to admit that many levels of bureaucracy have been helpful in addressing in problems, but I tend to get my Irish temper worked up whenever someone starts preaching how great we are at diversity and supporting an international community, when really we have a long way to go.
To borrow from Wilber, your perspective borders on kosmocentric. Most of us have lived a considerably sheltered life in comparison to that of an international traveler like yourself. In your own words, CRex, tell us what the world is all about.
The world seems to come down to how people aren't that different, but the variations in culture can create seemingly great differences. Plus when you talk in language barriers, weird foods, and phenotype differences the world really starts to look like a crazy place. I've been amazed at how if you put me in with a group of non-Americans, I'll feel like in a group with a bunch of aliens, but if I spend time talking to each of them one on one, suddenly the differences aren't so severe. This can range from social norms, such as I do X to show respect to my parents, but someone else does Y to show respect to their elders. It seems different, but at the end of the day it really isn't, to the fact that some of my Korean friends grew up playing Street Fighter. That was always kind of a shock: two kids on opposite sides of the world, growing up in different culture systems, but we both have the combo for E Honda's Super Head Killer Ram programmed into our muscle memory.
Even so, though, individually nice people can come together or be forced together to form unpleasant organizations or societies with unpleasant cultural norms. There are a lot of countries out there that aren't lucky enough to be bordered by two large oceans and Canada, leaving them with only one border that leads to issues. You stand there at the Korean DMZ or the Sino-Viet Border (second heaviest fortified border in the world after the DMZ) and you realize the world is not a nice place and a lot of people are forced to make decisions that impact their survival everyday, not just in terms of personal survival and welfare, but in terms of how cold wars can turn hot. Not to mention how people in large groups do stupid things due to cultural norms or the fact that they're just dicks.
A lot of times when you travel, you find yourself confronted with both realities everyday. You'll see some amazing things and discover how some people have cultural practices and values that might be superior to your own, and sometimes you'll hop on the plane thinking "You know what America needs? More carrier battle groups and strategic bombers, lots more." End of the day you'll likely find yourself having a lot in common with many individuals and sometimes confused by how you can be so similar one on one but your cultural institutions differ so drastically from theirs.
4. Yeah, I feel the same way about New Jersey. Upon my first reading of the saga, I, in no uncertain terms, publicly suggested that you take your story and storytelling talents to Hollywood, perhaps to sell it as a screenplay, become a sitcom writer or something to that effect. (If anyone doubts my assessment of his writing prowess, just wait until you get to the perfect meal question below.) If they ever made a CRex movie, who would you want to play the title role?
Dave Chapelle, without a doubt. I might go as far as to have a rider in the project that it only happens if Chapelle can be secured for the role. He's perfect, he has Midwesterner roots and is in a mixed race marriage, so I think he'd have the perfect prescriptive to play the role. Of course he's retired and I'm not sure if he can ever be lured out, but I can dream. If this ever was turned into a movie, I'd see it being done Pulp Fiction style in terms of the scenes and I think Chapelle's history with sketches would play well there.
A Ginger Chapelle?? I'm game... can I be played by Charlie Murphy? You in fact were once a writer for the Review as well, and certainly have shown the chops for weaving an interesting tale. What other sort of writing do you do? Do you still write, or have any aspirations to in the future?
I come from a family of writers who made their money elsewhere, both my parents have English degrees but made their money in the construction industry. I've always enjoyed history and writing, but stayed in the computer field because that is where the money is. For awhile, when I had a World of Warcraft addiction, I used to write the lore for our guild, turning all the heroics and raids into epic tales and posting them on the forums. Now that I've broken that addiction, I write short stories now and then, some fantasy, some sci-fi, and some humorous modern. My goal—the one I keep failing at— is to produce say 100 pages worth of short stories with some kind of common theme and publish them as an E-Book. Right now I'm telling myself that after I'm settled at my new job I'm going to take one hour a day to write and edit. A lot of what I enjoy writing centers around world building, writing alternative history or building some future world. I think this comes out of my political science interests and how much I loved books like The Prince. I've honestly never really considering turning the C-Rex saga into something larger, I've never really had the personal belief it would play well outside of a Michigan crowd that had an automatic link to my writing simply because they loved the school and Ann Arbor.
5. Hey, man, believe in your craft-- you're a legend. So what do you do for a living?
I'm an automation programmer. I come into another environment and figure out their workflow. From there, my job is not simply to automate it but to analyze the workflow and challenge why X,Y, and Z are done instead of A,B, and C. After that we shape a new workflow and automate as much of it as possible (or as much as their budget allows). My career path focuses on doing this for large academic institutions since it will let me move around with my wife as she potentially relocates to different research centers. This is the kind of job where every time I think have some time to write, I end up getting some extra contracting work and shelving it.
And when you’re not contributing to the future autonomy of SkyNet, what do you like to do for fun?
Before I met my wife I was a huge gamer and was excited to have a partner who is also a gamer. However I've found it is rather depressing to play games with a girl who was competitively ranked in Korea for Starcraft. When we were playing Starcraft 3 v 1 (with her being 1) she was getting up and going to the kitchen for drinks, and still kicked all our asses. Currently we both play Kerbal Space Program, although considering her degree is in aerospace, her rocketry program is to mine as NASA is to North Korea. She's also accused me of not playing Kerbal Space Program but instead playing Kerbal Murder Simulator (I fry my Kerbals more frequently than Russia fried cosmonauts early on in their program).
My main hobbies are motorsports, target shooting/hunting, and kayaking. My big project right now is doing a modernization to a 1969 Pontiac Firebird, a modern LS7 V8 engine, heads up display, touch screen navigation, and all the goodies that will make old guys scream about how I butchered a classic. Of course I'll just crank up the sound system and blast K-Pop so I can't hear them. I'm still debating if I want a Screaming Chicken on the hood or a Hello Kitty. I think with the latter I'll be able to make Mustang owners swerve into bridge pillars and kill themselves out of shame when the Hello Kitty Pontiac pulls past them. Except when it’s just me in the pink Hello Kitty car and I'm cruising around with the top down, I assume AAPD will just drag me out of the car and beat the hell out of me on the grounds that I'm probably a pedophile. The engine mounts to get an LS7 into that car are a real pain though.
Sounds like a future entry into the odyssey of CRex. Describe the perfect meal.
On an island just south of mainland Vietnam. It's been hot all day, with only the sea breeze to break it up or the water. Now though the sun is going down and the storm clouds are rolling in. Off at the edge of the horizon it is pitch black and the wind is picking up, blowing your wife's hair all over her face. You can hear the surf pounding against the rocks as the tide comes in and the oncoming storm supplements it. The trees are starting to bend and you hear the occasional thud as a coconut is blown off the tree and lands on the ground. There is still some warmth in the air, but it is slowly being pushed out. You sit there on the patio as the lights come on, but every time there is a gust of wind they flicker. Dinner itself is simple, local beer, fresh grilled sea urchin with spring onion and oil, grilled calamari with salt and pepper, a bowl of pho. All the seafood is well seasoned with a clear French influence and fresh, a boat pulled into the hotel early in the day and delivered it. By the time pho comes out the rain is pounding against the patio and despite being less than 30 feet from the high tide line, you can't see the ocean, except for when the lighting flashes across the sky and you can see the the ocean with its wind whipped waves for just the briefest second as a frozen image before the darkness returns. You sit there with the pho and a second beer, sipping at the pho and marveling at the complexity of the broth, but really just staring out towards the ocean and waiting for that next flash of lighting and listening to that unseen surf pound against the shoreline. When dinner is done you linger on one of the worn old couches for a time before you need to run through the rain and back to your cottage.
In a word… perfect. I’ll never attempt to find this place or eat this meal, since reality could only taint the amazing image you’ve just painted in my mind’s eye.
6. Can you explain why you are a Michigan fan?
I was raised to be one. My family has a long legacy of attending Michigan and from day one I grew up with Michigan gear and watching Michigan football on TV. My parents met here, my uncle met my aunt here, etc. The yearly family reunion was in Ann Arbor. There was never really any question where I was going to school and Michigan was the only application I sent out for college my senior year. If I didn't get in, I just would have worked for my father, polished up my volunteer work, and tried again in a year.
Hail. Finally, who’s your all-time favorite Wolverine?
I grew up watching Woodson on TV and if I could pick any Wolverine to have a second coming of, it would be Woodson without a doubt. That said, Marlin Jackon and Lamarr Woodley are tied for my favorite Wolverine. I watched both of them play in the flesh from the student second. The CMU game where Woodley sacked the QB, forced the fumble, and then got up to get into the scrum and retrieve the ball, the 2004 destruction of Stanton, when Sparty led by double digits, guns don't kill people, Lamarr Woodley does, etc. Same with Jackson, I lost count of how many times some WR thought he was open and signaled for the ball only to see it come flying out of his hands a second later when Marlin delivered the hit. I still remember that in 2004, when he was a senior, his side of the field was only targeted 14% of the time and they threw to that side, someone ran the risk of dying.
I must confess-- when the MGoProfile series originally began back in 1954 (that sounds about right?), the aura of CRex had already ascended and his name was on my original short list. In fact, if I recall correctly he was contacted for inclusion about this time of year-- but it was around the same time that some of the disclosure mentioned above was creeping into his everyday life and general happiness. So, in the interests of self-preservation and anonymity, CRex respectfully declined.
I don't know what it is about the guy-- we do share some common traits in our past and upbringing that we've discussed off the record-- but I get CRex. When I read his stuff, I feel like it's someone I actually know, or have known for some time. So perhaps that's what makes his posts so interesting-- I could read countless books about journeying to the inner confines of Asia, but reading a CRex post is more like hearing an old friend tell it from his point of view, a perspective I can relate to and understand. He's also got a sense of humor that keeps the story going regardless of its length-- these have got to be some of the consistently biggest posts on here, but they never hurt for page hits, up-votes, and approving comments.
Finally, CRex contacted me yesterday to express that he's been called on an unexpected business trip today. As such, he'll be unable to read and respond to your comments until later in the day, presumably once the workday is over. So go ahead and post as you always would, but know that it will not be until later in the evening that he'll be able to read and respond to them. Thanks and 22 DAYS until Michigan Football!!