"The University of Illinois is also in turmoil. The university sports an Interim Chancellor, an Interim Athletic Director, and an Interim Football Coach; the game will be played at Soldier Field, making this an Illini Interim Home Game."
After reading Michael Rosenberg’s brilliantly written, well-researched and intelligently unbiased article “A look inside Rodriguez’s rigorous football program at Michigan” that has gained so much media attention as of late, I decided that I should also focus my attention on an expose for the benefits of my readership and everyone in the world.
I first became aware of this issue when searching the internet for information on Mr. Rosenberg. Michael Rosenberg clearly condones the use of drugs as is evidenced by photographs directly from his publicity website [scroll down].
But how much junk is too much?
According to the 1984 Drug Offenders Act, the 1986 Analogue Act, the Anti-Drug Abuse Act of 1988 and the Second Act of Shakespeare’s Richard III written in 1591 (none of which have I actually read), any and all use is non-permissible. But numerous members of the Free Press staff have routinely broken these rules.
How do I know this?
Well thanks to my journalistic prowess, I have interviewed ten employees comprised of former team members, two current employees and a shepherd with a lazy eye named Quanto. The two current employees agreed to talk with us only if we would keep their names anonymous for fear of punishment. Another requirement of their involvement was that we take their words and horribly skew them in favor of our “journalistic opinion”.
Two of the team members described the on-going drug use as “ridiculous”. One team member actually witnessed another employee taking a spoon from the kitchen, no doubt for the purpose of booting black tar heroin. Family members of the staff have routinely expressed concern over the amount of illicit drugs being imbibed. I was shocked to find that during one of our interviews, a current staff member sneezed which is on record as a common symptom of heavy cocaine usage.
A member of the sports writing staff who has been suspended in the past for printing information that was not factual stated, “We know the drug policy. Everyone knows the drug policy. Drug use is voluntary. But everyone knows it’s not voluntary. Having your articles published is also voluntary, you know?” He followed that with two winks and a nudge.
I tried to reach higher officials in the company for their reaction to these allegations but they were unavailable. (By “tried to reach”, I of course mean that I air-dialled their phone numbers on my son’s Elmo Phone and then whispered into the universe, “Are you available for comment?”. I received no response.)
After beginning this article, I spoke candidly with two of the newest team members at the DFP to find out what their experiences had been. One junior copy boy commented with a smile on his face, “Oh I love it here. They have donuts every morning.” Clearly the innocent young man was unaware that the donuts had surely been provided to quell the constant hunger that arises from frequent use of a drug called “marijuana”.
It’s unfortunate that such a well-respected community of journalists and their staff could have fallen into such a deep hole. We can only hope that the United States government will step in and arrest all of them, if for no other reason than their shameful and willful abuse of the first amendment.
[This article has been written in satire and parody and like the article it has been written in response to, it's almost completely unfactual. These comments are not the views of mgoblog.com or any of it's operators, developers, advisors, employees, spouses, friends, family members, pets or co-workers. If you've gotten this far and haven't realized that this is a joke, you should probably apply for a job at the Detroit Free Press.]