in re: is GRIII on a tear
Merry freakin' Christmas. Look, I realize these things are getting played, but I thought of Mr. Garrison and I was impressed by my cleverness. And then Mr. Slave fell right into place. When Lemmiwinks appeared in my mind I knew that the Lord had commanded me to build a great monument to his name. My god appears to be a weird amalgam of college football, Matt Parker, and Trey Stone. So here you go...
Nebraska: Mr. Garrison
I went to hell! I went to hell and I died!
Ugly. Thinks reading about celebrities constitutes an education. Used to be wildly successful out of proportion to all reason by exploiting a niche lifestyle, but has recently abandoned said niche in favor of a more conventional existence. This effort is going less than swimmingly. Decision to abandon niche produced vast quantity of horrifying images.
(BONUS: Lawrence Phillips: Mr. Hat; the expression of Mr. Garrison's writhing, unsavory id.)
Colorado: Mr. Slave
Into all sorts of kinky stuff. Conservative groups are worried about their recruiting efforts. Still Mr Garrison's bitch, deep down. Says "Jesus Christ" all the time but never really means it.
(BONUS!!! Brian Calhoun: Lemmiwinks; escaped from certain death in Mr. Slave's sinful bowels to become the prince of a selection of small animals.)
Kansas State: Miss Choksondik
Mildly interesting for unsavory reasons (JUCO reliance and scheduling convents/impossibly pendulous breasts) for a while but then choked to death on her wages of sin.
Texas Tech: Tweek
The spazziest kid in town. Jittery after having consumed heroic amounts of caffeine. Has a tendency to collapse in spectacular fashion when placed under duress.
Integral to the whole show but not the first person you think of when looking for entertainment due to a lack of fun exploits. Functions more as a straight man, letting others use him for a platform to deliver a punchline. Often nearly accomplishes great things during the first half of the show before succumbing to all-too-frequent bouts of vaginitis towards the end.
(BONUS!!! The Rose Bowl : Wendy Testaburger; Stan barfs whenever he gets near her.)
Ohio State: Shelley
Coarse. No good at speaking English. Thinks "turd" is the pinnacle of insult technology. Takes multitude of personal failures out on those around her because the true horror of her existence is too terrible to contemplate. Hits Stan a lot.
Wisconsin & Minnesota: Terence & Phillip
Do the same thing over and over again, year after year, but find inexplicable success doing so. Vaguely Canadian. Fight regularly. Always smell strongly of methane.
Iowa: Mr. Hankey
Surprisingly effective for being composed mostly of crap (easy, Iowa fans, think of it as a compliment to Ferentz). Somewhat annoyingly goody-two-shoes, but powerful when angered. Fundamentally, er, consistent. Also smells strongly of methane.
Northwestern: Sexual Harrassment Panda
Totally bizarre entity that exists for no discernible reason whatsoever. Would probably be happier on a strange island--like the Ivy League--with the other misfits.
Penn State: Grandpa Marsh
Obvious reasons; Stan's Grandpa also experienced one brief renassiance when the AARP took over, but it didn't last.
Michigan State: Butters
Innocuous boy who usually gets beaten up and picked on by everybody else. Morphs into super-villian alter-ego from time to time, wreaking unexpected havoc upon innocent passers-by. Often has hilarious delusions about taking over the world, but plans always come to naught.
Maybe we could put like 15 asses on the monkey and have four run off before the snap.
Has a reputation for wild experimentation, but in the end it's all about cramming as much ass as possible into a small area (like a football season, or a pair of pants).
Mephisto's tiny, insignificant companion.
Worst character ever. Decisions clearly influenced by pot... unless you think someone would hire Ron Zook sober.
A hunk of BEEFCAKE(!) back when 'Nam was going on but never recovered from a crippling disaster that happened long ago. Enjoys shooting things. Talks about the good old days in 'Nam a lot.
Linked inextricably with Ned; not particularly bright; also enjoys shooting things; has a fondness for garish orange clothing.
Steve Spurrier (and Florida, I guess): Cartman
Will totally kick you in the nuts.
An evil genius with an array of implasibly effective schemes that can turn any random citizen into the centerpiece of a terrifying misfit army. Occasionally says 'screw you guys, I'm going home.' Unquestionably the most reprehensible, terrible person on the planet, but after a couple of episodes without him you realize that it's just not the same. Gets all the best lines ('Respect my authorita'/'You can't spell Citrus without UT'). As the South Park website says, "basic rule, don't f*ck with Cartman."
(Also of note: was once upstaged by Butters of all people (AWESOME-O ep/'99 Citrus).)
Georgia: Cartman's Mom
You guys can play linebacker, right?
Willing to put out for any questionable character that comes along. Pushed around by Cartman all the time. Offspring associated with the Denver Broncos, at least temporarily. Ultimately got what she wanted from the various men in South Park.
Tennessee: Scott Tenorman
Radiohead thinks you're a pussy, Erik Ainge.
Would you rather eat your own parents or be a Tennessee fan right now? Tough call... unless you're Phil Fulmer! Also totally owned by Cartman. Tends to talk tough but dissolves into whiny bitchery once the horrible truth (like Charles Woodson winning the Heisman) is revealed.
Funny-accented child of privilege with a somewhat Victorian vibe going on. Probably would be comfortable with a television that showed only BBC America. Totally out of place in its current environs.
Popular with the ladies because of his 5x2. Enjoys singing about chocolate salty balls.
Virginia Tech: Kenny
Must be October in Blacksburg again.
A poor white-trash redneck. Even when it's looking good for him you know that he's going to die during the last third of the show. It's like clockwork. You killed BeamerBall, you bastards.
Florida State: Officer Barbrady
"Nothing to see here," is the catchphrase of choice, whether you're talking about criminal offenses or just ones directed by Jeff Bowden. If there's even a difference, that is. Tends to ignore obvious wrongdoing being perpetrated right under one's nose.
Kick the baby!
Georgia Tech: Dougie
Your Constitutionally-mandated "Georgia Tech students are dorks" reference. Also has a tendency to hang out with Butters a lot, plotting world domination and never achieving it.
Clemson: The Marklars
Despite all the talk, every marklar it's always the same old marklar. Marklar marklar, Bowden marklar marklar, 6-5 and the Marklar Tire Marklar in beautiful Marklar, North Marklar.
Virginia: Kyle's Cousin Kyle.
Weak, extraordinarily Jewish. Nerdy and somewhat repulsive but you know damn well he'll be your boss someday. Exactly how I imagine Ian.
Notre Dame: Jesus
Mostly exists for the purpose of fighting Jesus. Prominent in the embryonic stages of the show but hasn't been heard from recently.
Huge. Possesses minions with otherworldly, demonic skills and power. Beats the hell out of Jesus on a regular basis. Secretly kind of foo-foo, if you know what I mean.
Wears a lot of powder blue. Takes it in the ass from Satan.
Supported by older man who is unbelievably rich. Older man has given him an outlandish appearance that causes quite a commotion, though the reasons why are unclear.
Oregon State: Bebe
Briefly OMG SEXY, then quickly forgotten.
Washington: Mr. Mackey
Don't fire black coaches, mmkay? Firing black coaches is bad. You don't want to be bad, do you? All right, maybe we're bad, but we're diverse, mmkay? Diversity is good even if you're bad.
Washington State: Nurse Gollum
Fairly normal except for the terribly depressing eyesore (dead fetus/Pullman) that causes everyone to feel very sorry for them. Like Bebe, had a brief run in the sun and was then forgotten about.
Arizona State: "Hennifer Lopez"
Spicy faux-latin with sex appeal who puts out all kinds of wacky material that somehow sticks; ultimately a mirage. Seems like a fiction of the evil genius' mind. Loves tacos.
Arizona: Jennifer Lopez
Like the fictional version, only crappier and prone to volcanic outbursts of ridiculous behavior.
BYU: Gary & The Creepy Mormons
Dum dum dum dum dum. Would be even better if Gary Crowton was still running the show.
Louisville: Crab People
Things just keep getting better for the Cardinals, but underneath the flash and dash is concealed an audacious plan to conquer the world. Vaguely foo-foo as well.
Boise State: Mrs. Crabtree
The source of a vast amount of noise but ultimately irrelevant.
Timmah! Timmah Chang! Do exactly the same thing year after year: throw ten billion passes, go to a bowl game in, er, Hawai'i. Somewhat retarded, but fun to be around.
Syracuse: The Denver Broncos
Really, really, really orange. Good back in 1998.
Fresno State: Trent Boyett
Your Constitutionally-mandated "guy from the wrong side of the tracks coming to kick your ass" Fresno State reference.
Also, Trent is a dead ringer for an elementary-school version of Pat Hill. Seriously.
Temple: Miss Claridge
Please, someone put it out of its misery.
Leftover characters for reader suggestions: Starvin' Marvin, Kyle, Mr. Broflovski, Mrs. Broflovski, Randy Marsh, Mrs. Marsh, Principal Victoria, Saddam, Jimmy, Big Gay Al, The Mayor, The Raisins Girls, The Goths, The Useless Mayoral Goons, Kindergarteners, Scuzzlebutt, the Cutswalds, Priest Maxi, Miss Information
Glaring team absences: Cal (hippies?), OU, Texas, Texas A&M, LSU.
The impending lack of college football has driven the various denizens of the college football blogosphere insane. There's no other way to put it. Joey comes right out and says it after leaving a manic comment with a truly prodigious exclamation point count in the aftermath of the Carlos Brown commitment:
Shotgun with Henne flanked by Bass and Brown with Breaston coming on the end around.
MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yeah... about that. Others flake out and do things like watch the
New Orleans Katrina Bowl. Or write something on the order of 1,000 words about it, which happened at not one but two(!) blogs. SMQB has a ready-made excuse as a Southern Miss Alum, but even he says that...
Watchability Rating: SMQ is a diehard alumni with solid ties to one of these programs, and even he might opt for Gilmore Girls.
And then, uh... well... Joel Hollingsworth, who got bitched out for an inagural blogpoll ballot that was essentially a declaration of war on damn Yankees, has gone totally flapjack nuts with extra walnuts. Yeah: a flash movie staring Vol fans as "Vollum." The reasoning boils down to: "if SEC teams are overrated in the BlogPoll they will fail to achieve," which is flattering but mostly batshit insane. Then again, I think that accurately captures what my mental state would be if my team just lost to Vanderbilt.
Of note: I am not exempted. Apparently the prospect of an army of blue-clad, Full-Metal-Jacket-drilled kittens playing Sherman to whatever Georgia town you call home has terrified both Mayor Kyle King and Orson from EDSBS into rooting for the Wolverines in the (please don't remember the) Alamo Bowl. So if anyone needs a kitten army that's really good at burning things and stealing women and stuff, it's available for hire. Unless you're from the government, in which case I have no idea what all those cats are doing in my basement and demand that you find the perpetrator of this foul deed.
So that's why it's important to get to 7-4. The bowl gift limit got bumped up to 500 dollars this year--theoretically allowing every college football player in the nation to bring home an XBOX 360 for the holidays--but of all the bowls in all the halfass vacation destinations in all the world, only the Alamo decided to give it out as schwag. So we've got that going for us. This revelation spurred both Bleed Blue and White and RBUAS to great heights comparing and contrasting the various and sundry bowl prizes. Which is better? I declare blog deathmatch!
Not alone... not. alone. I would like to point out that The House Rock Built also has a kitten fixation. That is all.
Hopefully you will be joined by, like, other people. The Detroit News has a feature article on '07 shooting guard commitment Alex Legion. It would be nice if he got to play with a point guard and some tall guys, Tommy.
Update 12/19: Added MI S Aaron Gant and MI DE Quintin Woods, removed IN DT Dexter Larimore(OSU) and re-added KY DT Corey Peters, who was apparently just offered. Reaction to the Larimore commitment? Removed WR Percy Harvin(UF). Added GA RB Carlos Brown as a commitment. Updated Jonas Mouton's school list based on a Scout article header: Nebraska is out. Final three are USC, LSU, and UM... where have we heard that before?
Also, here's a Daron Rose article.
Editorial Opinion: USC can't take a third safety away from us, can they? I would regard that article as good news. LSU hasn't been mentioned much for him and given the internets chatter it seems like if he's going to leave home it would probably be to go to Michigan. So Mouton gets to choose between OMG USC/mom/two five stars at his position in the very same class and Michigan/cold/one safety in the last two classes and Steve Brown. That looks good, but USC hasn't lost a recruiting battle against Michigan since they stopped sucking.
And, hey, remember Carlos Brown? I'm betting you do, since he committed yesterday. Well, do you remember that goofy AJC photoset featuring David Cone and his Army of Midgets? Yeah, they did Brown, too. (Original AJC link gone but reproduced at BuckeyePlanet; get a load of his ideal car: a 1996 Impala... um, okay(?).)You can see him at right holding a perfectly innocent football hostage. There are also a number of pictures available for perusal on Scout.
Other than the "are you sure? Really sure? Sure you're sure?" Brown commitment, the interesting news in this particular update is the emergence of two instate players who got offered (or are apparently on the verge of being offered) based on strong senior-year performance: DE Quintin Woods and OLSM's Aaron Gant, a safety. Someone claiming to be an OLSM alum popped up on BuckeyePlanet and offered these words:
Word around here is that Gant is going to Michigan. Michigan wants him at safety or linebacker. Gant is good friends with Michigan committ Brandon Graham, and his cousin is Dionte Allen- a kid whom many around here expect to be a Wolverine next year. Gant is a good player, he really came on strong his senior year, and that is why he's getting alot of recruiting attention right now.
and then again:
I have no idea if he really has an OSU offer. I do know that he has one from Michigan though. If there is a quality OLSM kid that wants Michigan, Michigan will almost always offer him. OLSM is a pipeline to Michigan, and the staff at Michigan doesn't want to disrupt that pipeline. Especially when you look at the prospects they'll have in the 2007 and 2008 classes. Michigan wants to keep the pipeline open, and if they land Gant, they can pencil in Dionte Allen in '07.
As always, take such unconfirmed Internet speculation lightly, but I buy it. There are enough ancillary factors in play here to believe Gant's offer is not strictly a Mouton backup plan--OSU got in on him, the OLSM pipeline thing, Dionte Allen--so I don't think Gant and Mouton commits are mutually exclusive.
As for Woods, he emerged late and has been the subject of a recent flurry of articles($). Iowa offered him (scroll down). A Google search turns up a lot of basketball hits but nothing on football, as he didn't even play the sport until his senior year--shades of TE Carson Butler last year.
Coach Tim Barron said Brown just gave him the news a few minutes ago. Barron said Brown told him he settled on Michigan "because he felt it was the best place for him to go."
Is this surprising? Um... I don't think "surprising" covers it. I mean:
Brown had earlier indicated to his coach his choice would be either USC or Georgia.
This is an uber-recruit (#32 according to Rivals) who 1) lives in the south, 2) had already eliminated us, and 3) was considering home-school UGA and
freakin' USC er... the Other USC (South Carolina). Um... lessee... lessee, Answers.com, thesaurus section...
Intellectually or emotionally overwhelming: "a mind-boggling bazaar of competing manufacturers and overlapping technologies" (William D. Marbach).
Brown never once appeared on the recruiting board for the above reasons and any and all references to him were mentally blocked by my "useless information" filter due to the whole blue-chippah-from-the-South thing. So I dunno anything about him. Update coming when I do.
Top traits: An elusive runner who amassed 2,103 all-purpose yards --- 1,284 rushing, 567 returning, 113 receiving and 139 passing --- last season. "Wherever we could get the ball to him is where we put him," Heard County coach Tim Barron said. "They love his speed. He's a 4.4 kid." Has 88.8 average in school and qualified on the SAT as a sophomore. He's slated to play mostly QB this season. "We're going to put the ball in his hands on every play," Barron said. Colleges are recruiting him as a running back, wide receiver and defensive back. He has 27 TDs that went for more than 40 yards. Bench-presses 280 pounds and squats 440. "I have good balance, pretty good vision and pretty good speed," Brown said.
Offers: Georgia, Auburn, Ohio State, Michigan State, Alabama, Kansas State, Georgia Tech, Oklahoma State, Louisville, Ole Miss, Duke, Wake Forest, South Carolina and Purdue
Favorites: Former Michigan State assistant Paul Haynes was the first to make an offer to Brown, after his fourth game last season, but he's now at Ohio State, where he coaches defensive backs. Brown said he's looking for "a school that specializes in what I want to do after football. Right now, I want to be a pilot." Growing up, he used to like watching Florida State.
Aha! Wants to be a pilot, hmmm? Anyone thinking what I'm thinking? That's right: Space, bitches! Space! Congrats to EDSBS for being the number one hit on Google for that critical search term, by the way. Scouts, Inc., also thinks he's the bee's knees:
Brown may be the best overall athlete in this running back class and could be a difference maker at the next level.
So that's cool. Here at MGoBlog we try not to get too high when high schoolers we've never seen promise to go to our school or too low when they spurn us just like everyone we've ever loved, but yay and stuff. I promise to scream "Space, bitches!" whenever he scores. Or takes the field. And at random times during meetings at work.
I'm so happy. Said picture is courtesy BC&RS. Sam also provides a selection of other wondrous images from fifth graders. My favorite is titled "Disco Car" and features either Kid or Play (the one with the giant novelty haircut), a pink car flying off a cliff, and a THRILLING CONCLUSION you must SEE TO BELIEVE!
Also from Sam comes my proudest moment as a Michigan engineer. That's a brief movie; please watch it with the sound on. If anyone out there has some video editing skills, please fade in the Michigan fight song towards the end and then bring up a giant block M with "The Michigan Difference" under it. You'll see what I mean.
The scales of fate balance out... or something. Starting Nebraska OLB Barrett Ruud broke his arm and will miss the Alamo Bowl. Backup DE Wali Muhammad is also suspended for a violation of team rules. Two less guys for the offensive line to sort-of block.
Who had 23 games in the pool? ESPN.com headline: "Marbury no longer Isiah's fave." Newsday:
Something's got to give, and Knicks president Isiah Thomas recently indicated that if it ever comes down to a choice between Brown and point guard Stephon Marbury, he'll cast his lot with the coach.
Nary a loss passes without Brown questioning the toughness or basketball IQ of his players. ... Thomas was hailed for acquiring Marbury and now he has no other option but to trade Coney Island's Finest.
THOMAS: MARBURY NO LONGER NUCLEUS OF KNICKS
Who saw this coming? Everybody? Oh. The Knicks are 6-17. Brown is HEY! HEY! HEY!-ing his way to drafting someone who is not Greg Oden this summer. The Pistons are 18-3 and clearly better without The Great Millstone around their necks.
Dear Larry, the city of Detroit would like to extend you a warm...
Gracious? Er, not really. But let's review: Pistons battling for their playoff lives; Brown attempting to leave town before season even ends.
If I am alive this time in 2009-10 I (and you) will be watching a team that misses both Minnesota and Northwestern in the Big Ten. That should be just enough time for Mason to flee to greener pastures and Northwestern to resume its historic uselessness. Remember, the answer to the question "Who are the two worst teams in the Big Ten?" is always "Whoever Michigan misses." I would be very afraid if I was Iowa.
Also: yet another Big Ten team is slated for two years without both Michigan and Ohio State. This time it's the Wildcats. It wasn't relevant this year, but what are the chances that Iowa doesn't skeeze out a questionable Big Ten title in '07 or '08?
(Thanks to reader Douglas Dillon for the pointer.)
Okay... I have the fluttering beginnings of something cool. I have hacked my way through the various jungles of variable data input from hell to compile a database of... er... most of this year's football plays. For everybody. Bad news if you're an Eastern Michigan fan (other than "you're an Eastern Michigan fan"): I'm still working on an especially head-meets-wall section of plays that should work but do not. Other failures are scattered throughout the data.
Despite this, there are still over 100,000 plays that have been dumped into an SQL database (by hand! Uphill both ways! Wearing communism on my back like an extremely red, not-yet-shot-into-space monkey!). I think better than 95% of the plays from scrimmage made it in safely. Now things like this...
...exist and appear fairly sane. That's a breakdown of the Michigan D's third down performance YTD: blue are unsuccessful conversions, red vice versa.
So that's cool but totally without context and somewhat silly on the surface. Is this good? Is it bad? If you find yourself in second and nine should you attempt to lose two yards to access Michigan's horrid 3rd-and-11 defense?
So then we've got this:
The background there is the NCAA average; the foreground is Michigan's success at halting their opponents. Now we have something to relate it to: surprisingly, Michigan's defense on third and one is subpar despite Gabe Watson. Those seismic spikes towards the end are way stupid, though... so we need to smooth us some data:
This is better, but still wonky.
[WARNING] Those who experience seizures at math talk should skip the next section. [/WARNING]
I had two ideas for the smoothing:
- a sort of moving average based on the percentages. Unsatisfactory because this particular graph does not appear to be linear... there's a steep drop at the beginning and then a levelling off. Also, tends to ignore the fact that 4/6 on third and eleven isn't quite as meaningful as 6/22 or whatever on third and ten.
- something similar to #1 except adding up each success and failure instead of treating each yard line as a monolithic percentage. This more properly weights stuff that is frequently experienced (like 3rd and 10), but also has a distorting effect that you can clearly see around 12 or 13 yards to go... with so few instances of those distances, their lower conversion percentages are drowned out by the vast quantity of 3rd and 10s.
#2 is currently in use, but I'm highly suspicious. The preponderance of 3rd and 10s seems to be dragging items nearby to its level, like a gravitational well. Someone somewhere has tackled data like this before and come out with something better than either of these alternatives. Are you one of these people? Please say yes. Any help is appreciated.
Anyway, I'm a couple tweaks away from releasing a little app that will give you these graphs for any offense or defense in I-A, but before I do it I'd really like to get some better smoothing so that the results for individual teams don't look goofy. Consider this an APB for assistance.
(You can come out now, mathophobes.)